What if I'm wrong?
16 Jan 2014, 11:16 pm
So I want to be evaluated. There are so many things that fit Asperger's in me, and I've wondered for a few years now. But I'm not certain. I'm missing some of the bigger typical aspie things, I've gotten significantly better with eye contact over the last few years, my stimming is something I've been working towards doing in private since I hit middle school (I had another stimming post earlier this week), and I don't struggle with metaphor. But, I have gotten worse socially and continue to have confusion in social situations, as well as being overly apathetic with my peers. Of course, there are several other things that I have recognized in myself (necessity of uninterrupted schedule, hearing sensitivity, strong disliking of physical contact, rage bouts [largely improved from younger years], disorganization and struggle to thrive in school despite being very bright, ect). The hardest part is the struggle of being in college and having romantic curiosity once in a blue moon, but hating physical contact. It's...problematic and confusing, but I'm not asexual. I think I'm okay without friends or a boyfriend, but I'm so tired of being told I'm wrong for not needing other people and bad for staying by my convictions when it's not socially acceptable.
I want to be evaluated. But I would be so ashamed to be wrong. I tried suggesting it to my sister after I first read about it and started wondering, she laughed endlessly. I'm still humiliated. I also once asked a school therapist if she knew anything about it, but she dismissed me immediately. Thoughts?
Last edited by RikkiK on 17 Jan 2014, 9:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
16 Jan 2014, 11:34 pm
I'm going to get evaluated soon, but I'm not really worried about any shame that could come about from being wrong. I'm worried that because I don't display one or two of the more obvious Asperger's traits that I will be misjudged or overlooked. For example, I don't really have intense sensory overload nor does my vision go blurry unless I'm having an aura or migraine. I do however have a TON more 'secondary' traits such as noticing an abnormal amount of patterns and a need for things to be instructed specially and precisely.
Perhaps my biggest fear is that while I have an incredible amount of past experiences that would scream Asperger's I can't remember most of them because they involved the little things like talking too quietly, which I have now improved on and/or fixed. All the 'specific' past experiences that I could bring up I can't really describe because its been so long since they actually happened, and since then all the 'fixes' I've applied have contradicted my memories and this causes great amounts of cognitive dissonance in my mind.
As for having it dismissed by the therapist and your sister, don't worry about that - they aren't professionals with an expertise in autism. If you're worried about the shame, I'm not entirely sure what I could say to help you other than the fact that if you are evaluated by an autism expert, they should be able to diagnose you accurately.
16 Jan 2014, 11:37 pm
Read "The Reason I Jump". If you can relate to it go get tested. If you are like, "what the hell is this crud?" Go get tested and you'll probably have something else. I do understand the reason or shame of being wrong. I don't know why but I've dealt with that same issue in many things. I thought I was being told I just have unspecified anxiety when I was being tested and it turns out they were telling me I have ASD. I was so upset about being wrong and I don't even really know why. Just go get tested if you really want to know.
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Good guys don't care what place they finish; only jerks do. - Me
16 Jan 2014, 11:38 pm
Perhaps my biggest fear is that while I have an incredible amount of past experiences that would scream Asperger's I can't remember most of them because they involved the little things like talking too quietly, which I have now improved on and/or fixed. All the 'specific' past experiences that I could bring up I can't really describe because its been so long since they actually happened, and since then all the 'fixes' I've applied have contradicted my memories and this causes great amounts of cognitive dissonance in my mind.
As for having it dismissed by the therapist and your sister, don't worry about that - they aren't professionals with an expertise in autism. If you're worried about the shame, I'm not entirely sure what I could say to help you other than the fact that if you are evaluated by an autism expert, they should be able to diagnose you accurately.
You can compile a list to submit to your Psychologist / Psychiatrist. Mine was actually grateful that I did because I had so much trouble talking about my issues in person.
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Good guys don't care what place they finish; only jerks do. - Me
17 Jan 2014, 9:21 pm
i like the idea of a list, but it worries me that i will appear too "self-aware" of it, you know? paranoid of course because the first counselor told me i was too aware for it to be possible.
i'll be starting therapy at my uni offices this semester, my professor wants me to, but is it even worth mentioning all of this to them? i could easily talk for hours about my other issues and just play these things off as "i don't have friends" and end it there....i just feel like it will upset me so much to get shot down by another underpaid unqualified therapist.
17 Jan 2014, 9:30 pm
i'll be starting therapy at my uni offices this semester, my professor wants me to, but is it even worth mentioning all of this to them? i could easily talk for hours about my other issues and just play these things off as "i don't have friends" and end it there....i just feel like it will upset me so much to get shot down by another underpaid unqualified therapist.
Well, for me I have the issue I think you previously mentioned where you can't remember all of the things from your past right on the spot when you need to. Someone mentioned this and sorry if it wasn't you. Because of this and my problems with communicating they were very thankful I had documentation of everything I could think of. Going in I knew I had something very different from what I now know as NTs so I wasn't worried about being "self-aware". Are you afraid of being "self-aware" and possibly being wrong? If so I sort of understand that. I was more worried about what if they don't think anything is different with me and yet the world has never made any sense to me (along with the people in it) so then my only explanation is I must be crazy then. So if you feel that way don't worry, they won't find you crazy, they are looking for information so whatever you give them will help. If you go to a Psychologist or Psychiatrist which specializes in adult autism they will understand. What has always worked for me in situations like this is that I completely withdraw inside myself and sort of become a robot where I mechanically do what I know from observation is acceptable. Hopefully some of this will help.
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Good guys don't care what place they finish; only jerks do. - Me
17 Jan 2014, 9:40 pm
i'll be starting therapy at my uni offices this semester, my professor wants me to, but is it even worth mentioning all of this to them? i could easily talk for hours about my other issues and just play these things off as "i don't have friends" and end it there....i just feel like it will upset me so much to get shot down by another underpaid unqualified therapist.
It doesn't matter how you "appear" because if you really have ASD then an Autism specialist will recognize it within 5 minutes of meeting you. What family members, family doctors or psychologist think means nothing, my only suggesting is always go to an AUTISM specialist, it is the most efficient way of being assessed and diagnosis. If you have a piece of signed paper from an Autism specialist it doesn't matter what anyone says, you have ASD.
It worries me how you mentioned about what you might appear like. If compiling a list of your symptoms and concerns and bringing it to the Autism specialist is how you operate and is a characteristic of you, then you can't attempt to hide it because of how it may "appear". That just seems like swaying from your real self to make sure you get a diagnosis which is the wrong way to go, that doesn't prove anything just that you would be desperate for a diagnosis that you might not even fit because you acted a certain way on purpose or purposely hid part of your personality. You have to go there being 100% yourself and the ASD specialist will interview you and run multiple test and will eventually see the real you, so lying or hiding is pointless.
17 Jan 2014, 9:44 pm
i'll be starting therapy at my uni offices this semester, my professor wants me to, but is it even worth mentioning all of this to them? i could easily talk for hours about my other issues and just play these things off as "i don't have friends" and end it there....i just feel like it will upset me so much to get shot down by another underpaid unqualified therapist.
It doesn't matter how you "appear" because if you really have ASD then an Autism specialist will recognize it within 5 minutes of meeting you. What family members, family doctors or psychologist means nothing, my only suggesting is always go to an AUTISM specialist, it is the most efficient way of being assessed and diagnosis. If you have a piece of signed paper from an Autism specialist it doesn't matter what anyone says, you have ASD.
It worries me how you mentioned about what you might appear like. If compiling a list of your symptoms and concerns and bringing it to the Autism specialist is how you operate and is a characteristic of you, then you can't attempt to hide it because of how it may "appear". That just seems like swaying from your real self to make sure you get a diagnosis which is the wrong way to go, that doesn't prove anything just that you would be desperate for a diagnosis that you might not even fit because you acted a certain way on purpose or purposely hid part of your personality. You have to go there being 100% yourself and the ASD specialist will interview you and run multiple test and will eventually see the real you, so lying or hiding is pointless.
I agree with this AND if after your tested you don't have ASD you may still be diagnosed with something which would help explain issues you've been having. Being diagnosed is only the first step on a very long road imo. Might as well learn everything there is about yourself if you can't connect with anyone else right? That's how I've always done it.
_________________
Good guys don't care what place they finish; only jerks do. - Me
17 Jan 2014, 9:57 pm
i'll be starting therapy at my uni offices this semester, my professor wants me to, but is it even worth mentioning all of this to them? i could easily talk for hours about my other issues and just play these things off as "i don't have friends" and end it there....i just feel like it will upset me so much to get shot down by another underpaid unqualified therapist.
It doesn't matter how you "appear" because if you really have ASD then an Autism specialist will recognize it within 5 minutes of meeting you. What family members, family doctors or psychologist means nothing, my only suggesting is always go to an AUTISM specialist, it is the most efficient way of being assessed and diagnosis. If you have a piece of signed paper from an Autism specialist it doesn't matter what anyone says, you have ASD.
It worries me how you mentioned about what you might appear like. If compiling a list of your symptoms and concerns and bringing it to the Autism specialist is how you operate and is a characteristic of you, then you can't attempt to hide it because of how it may "appear". That just seems like swaying from your real self to make sure you get a diagnosis which is the wrong way to go, that doesn't prove anything just that you would be desperate for a diagnosis that you might not even fit because you acted a certain way on purpose or purposely hid part of your personality. You have to go there being 100% yourself and the ASD specialist will interview you and run multiple test and will eventually see the real you, so lying or hiding is pointless.
I agree with this AND if after your tested you don't have ASD you may still be diagnosed with something which would help explain issues you've been having. Being diagnosed is only the first step on a very long road imo. Might as well learn everything there is about yourself if you can't connect with anyone else right? That's how I've always done it.
Very true. That is what is so horribly wrong with self diagnosing and then claiming you have the disorder when there is no medical proof or validation to the claim. For some reason people want to have ASD (which is absurd), yet they are afraid of seeking a diagnosis because they are worried that what they have come to take on to explain themselves isn't actually the answer. For them it's like being told you aren't a member of a certain club anymore, so they fear seeking a professional knowing they could be exposed if they don't actually have it.
That is why my response will ALWAYS be that if you have such a strong feeling that you have ASD that you are self diagnosing, then you need to call everyone you can find related to Autism and get yourself tested. It's like having Cancer, if you TRULY think you may have Cancer, you would go get yourself tested and not just assume and start saying you have Cancer to people. That may be an extreme example, but you get my point. If someone is so positive they have something that they are actually going to start telling people they have it, then you need to go get evaluated by an ASD specialist, as ASD is not a light thing or "cool" thing to have. It is a very serious condition that can cripple lives. I hope you decide to get evaluated, it can be a tremendous relief when you start getting the help you have always needed post-diagnosis.
17 Jan 2014, 10:07 pm
I agree for the most part. I haven't really experienced anyone in real life who self diagnosed and thinks it is "cool" but I have read about it on the internet. That makes me a little bit mad that people would do that because of how much trouble I had in my childhood, career, and marriage which ended in divorce because I couldn't connect even to my x wife. I definitely don't have as many issues as those who can't keep a job and who suffer major depression from but I sought a diagnosis because the anxiety was becoming too much for me to handle and melt downs were become more and more common. Granted there are some things in which I greatly enjoy that might be product of Autism but I still would never want anyone to ever go through any of the harsher issues. OP, also remember to don't listen to us. Go get tested, nothing we say has any weight as a diagnosis or what should or shouldn't be normal or abnormal. We all speak from experience and nothing more. Just go get tested.
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Good guys don't care what place they finish; only jerks do. - Me
17 Jan 2014, 10:26 pm
I agree for the most part. I haven't really experienced anyone in real life who self diagnosed and thinks it is "cool" but I have read about it on the internet. That makes me a little bit mad that people would do that because of how much trouble I had in my childhood, career, and marriage which ended in divorce because I couldn't connect even to my x wife. I definitely don't have as many issues as those who can't keep a job and who suffer major depression from but I sought a diagnosis because the anxiety was becoming too much for me to handle and melt downs were become more and more common. Granted there are some things in which I greatly enjoy that might be product of Autism but I still would never want anyone to ever go through any of the harsher issues. OP, also remember to don't listen to us. Go get tested, nothing we say has any weight as a diagnosis or what should or shouldn't be normal or abnormal. We all speak from experience and nothing more. Just go get tested.
The writing I put in bold couldn't be more true. I know what you mean Sam when you say it makes you angry, because for me in my eyes, I see it as discrediting every person on the planet with ASD. A self diagnosed teenager who blames everything to everyone on "Asperger's" who has never seen a doctor just makes people who actually SUFFER from ASD look like a joke and makes people not take us seriously when we discuss or explain our disability and struggles. It's a borderline eye roll for some people when they hear it, due to all the fake "Aspies (I hate that term)". That is why it really pisses me off when people self diagnose and go around telling everyone they have something that they officially don't. Suspecting you may suffer from a condition is absolutely fine, but like any condition, if you suspect you have it you then go see a doctor.
Growing up with no friends, having my struggles be passed off as "Oh he's just sensitive", "Oh he's just a baby who won't do anything for himself" etc not including constant pain and turmoil from sensory overload anytime I went in public. I couldn't even eat at the dinner table with my OWN family due to the noises of forks, plates and teeth, I had to wear construction earphones at the table if I ate with them. Not including bouncing job from job, losing relationships, feeling inferior, wanting to commit suicide, depression, consistent anxiety, being stuck in my head and not being able to experience joys of life... the list goes on and on.
17 Jan 2014, 10:46 pm
Thanks for the feedback!
Wow, yes that's right, I do have a hard time remembering most of my childhood (except for certain incidents, and of course just knowing how I usually behaved as a child). Is that something others experience? It's always bothered me. but I haven't given it anything thought recently.
See, another issue is that my parents are very...non-parental. My sister has pretty bad ADD and also some psychological problems, but my father doesn't believe ADD/ADHD exists, and mental problems like depression, anxiety, and rage issues are just the norm in my family. So, when her elementary school teachers suggested she get evaluated he got pissed. Now, as a 20 something, she still lives at home and just recently was diagnosed with ADD through her own attempts at being evaluated. These are the parents whose insurance I would have to go through to go to a specialist....even with the piles of similarities, I don't know if they would take me seriously in seeking evaluation. I'm pretty sure they don't even know how rocky my entire social existence has been, they're very removed from my personal life, and I'm quite alright with that most of the time. So that will be a bridge to cross when I get there.
On the other side of that, though, my father once mentioned in passing that he thought might have Asperger's, and I think he had even done a little surface research. He doesn't know that I even know what it is, much less that I'm suspicious. But I also think it's very possible that my father is just a huge ass who hates everyone and treats his family like dirt.
While we're here, do you all think that online tests like http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php and the other 40-50 question one that seems to be on several sites can be any pointer? I'm really shocked at how many things ring true with me in the rdos.net one. It's little things I never even gave thought to, like my dependence on visualizing things ahead of time, emotional overloads as a kid, the sexuality problems, all of these little things. It's just intriguing to me, I'm not convinced by it or anything along those lines.
And with that, please don't think that I am by any means diagnosis- seeking or that I want to have this so I can be "a totally quirky Aspie XD". The thing is, I've struggled for so long and never understood why, and honestly if I were diagnosed, all it would do is explain some things about me. I just keep coming back to this feeling that I should look into it. I mean, it's been what, 3 years since I started reading about Asperger's, and I still can't shake my feelings here.
17 Jan 2014, 11:11 pm
Wow, yes that's right, I do have a hard time remembering most of my childhood (except for certain incidents, and of course just knowing how I usually behaved as a child). Is that something others experience? It's always bothered me. but I haven't given it anything thought recently.
See, another issue is that my parents are very...non-parental. My sister has pretty bad ADD and also some psychological problems, but my father doesn't believe ADD/ADHD exists, and mental problems like depression, anxiety, and rage issues are just the norm in my family. So, when her elementary school teachers suggested she get evaluated he got pissed. Now, as a 20 something, she still lives at home and just recently was diagnosed with ADD through her own attempts at being evaluated. These are the parents whose insurance I would have to go through to go to a specialist....even with the piles of similarities, I don't know if they would take me seriously in seeking evaluation. I'm pretty sure they don't even know how rocky my entire social existence has been, they're very removed from my personal life, and I'm quite alright with that most of the time. So that will be a bridge to cross when I get there.
On the other side of that, though, my father once mentioned in passing that he thought might have Asperger's, and I think he had even done a little surface research. He doesn't know that I even know what it is, much less that I'm suspicious. But I also think it's very possible that my father is just a huge ass who hates everyone and treats his family like dirt.
While we're here, do you all think that online tests like http://rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php and the other 40-50 question one that seems to be on several sites can be any pointer? I'm really shocked at how many things ring true with me in the rdos.net one. It's little things I never even gave thought to, like my dependence on visualizing things ahead of time, emotional overloads as a kid, the sexuality problems, all of these little things. It's just intriguing to me, I'm not convinced by it or anything along those lines.
And with that, please don't think that I am by any means diagnosis- seeking or that I want to have this so I can be "a totally quirky Aspie XD". The thing is, I've struggled for so long and never understood why, and honestly if I were diagnosed, all it would do is explain some things about me. I just keep coming back to this feeling that I should look into it. I mean, it's been what, 3 years since I started reading about Asperger's, and I still can't shake my feelings here.
Online tests are no way to validate anything but they could help you get on the right track to thinking maybe it is time to go get diagnosed and see what exactly is going on inside you. My parents were not too keen on the whole thing when I broke it to them as well so I understand your anxiety on that. Ultimately no parent wants their child to have something that makes them different in a way that society perceives as bad. If you decide to get diagnosed they will have to get over it or not. The question to ask is it worth never getting diagnosed because of parents or getting diagnosed and having parents be mad at something they can't understand. I think every state has some sort of autism center in which you can call and ask them about who to contact in your area. If you are looking at where to start I would call them first and get some numbers of people who specialize in diagnosing adult ASD. After that you can call the facility and just probe around with questions. That is what I did at first and I feel like your mind might be similar to mine where I need things fully explained and to be fully prepared with my own conclusion based on facts. I need this because I never like to be unprepared (my routine is unbending and my entire life) and I strategize (why does this forum say this is misspelled?) every choice or thing I do. Best of luck
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