Best fit for these symptoms:
In childhood:
1 Difficulty fitting in socially. Difficulty taking turns with other children. Difficulty coping with rule changes when game playing. Tendency to prefer collecting bank forms over playing with dolls. Tendency to play alone. Tics that caused the other children to run away and say I was pulling faces at them when I could not control it (still get tics now but they are more controllable or I can conceal them...ie need to sniff repeatedly or make grunting noises with my throat particularly when I am tired or unwell).
2 Academically bright but studies suffered due to bullying. Bad handwriting.
3 Advance development in some areas (morals, intellect) but behind my age in others (emotional maturity). Also said to be too idealistic and over sensitive.
4 Could not tolerate tags in clothing, elastic on socks, seams on socks, materials such as pure wool and certain textures of food (mashed potato).
5 Did not like routine changes. Ie Tantrum from hell if my scooby doo schedule was altered. Had to watch scooby at the same time each day. However did not like routines such as having a regular bedtime. Could not sleep at the time they wanted me to so hid behind the couch until they left me alone to fall asleep at a time I wanted to.
6 Would occasionally play games like pretend tea parties with the other children but only if my mother would make me real tea to go in my tea cups.
7 Some behavioural problems due to bullying at school and bad home life. Labelled as a problem child growing up as a result.
8 Have been rubbing silky pieces of material since I could first rub them. I name them my tickle. I always have a tickle and have one to this day which I still rub...on and off throughout the day, when I feel like it and when I go to sleep at night. Used to like spinning, dancing, singing.
9 Difficulty controlling volume and speed of voice as a child. Bit better at it as an adult but can still lose vocal control when excited or upset.
10 Could not stay at friends houses as could not sleep in a strange environment. As a teenager I took to taking my own mattress with me whenever I stayed away from home, much to the amusement of people around me.
11 Large vocabulary at a young age...fast speech, no speech delay.
12 Depression sets in during my teens due to bullying and a couple of suicide attempts followed as a result (no actual suicide attempts since my early 20s though, even if I can still experience suicidal thoughts during depressions as an adult. I don't act on them)
Into adulthood:
1 Had a drinking problem in my early 20's but was not a typical alcoholic. I thought I was being socially cool and trying to fit in...so I went clubbing and pubbing a lot. Unfortunately I don't really enjoy these activities when sober (prefer a museum). Drinking was the in thing to do, I wanted friends, so I drank and had many unhappy nights out at noisy smelly crowded places. Still did not make any friends so it didn't work out for me anyway. In fact it made me worse socially and got me into trouble. Ie I couldn't tell whether men found me attractive so decided to run an experiment. Basically I got tipsy and then walked around the pub asking random males if they found me attractive so that I could attempt to read their body signals in the process. Unfortunately I asked someone's boyfriend by mistake and got thumped in the face. I don't get into physical fights (they scare me and I am a wimp in person...I used to run away from the bullies when I could, I would only ever fight if I was cornered) so just sat there on the floor staring at her in shock. I left pretty quickly. There was no need to hit me though, I was only running a social experiment and had she said "excuse me can you not talk to my boyfriend please" I would have apologised an obliged.
Quit drinking for 13 years after that until I came off antidepressants (which I was on for 10 years) a few years ago. I only really drink when I am trying to be social so it came and went with my efforts to socialise. At the moment I have given due to exhaustion on the social thing so am sober. I don't need alcohol when I am alone, I have my hobbies to cheer myself up with such as Norman wisdom films and later I want to do some knitting. I'd organise my crochet magazines but I am still sulking because I spoiled one of them by spilling coffee on it and it has upset me. I like to keep my collections pristine or at least look after them very well. they are my precious little babies and I am very fond of them.
No history of drug use except trying cannabis twice at age 18. Didn't like it, never bothered again. In one instance I remember missing an entire psychology class (psyche was the love of my life back then) and was horribly disappointed. I physically attended but spent the whole lesson staring out of the window at a tree. This displeased me. The second time was out of college and it merely induced a panic attack. Ergo I never tried that drug again. I have never tried any other drugs at all.
2 No history of self harm except hitting myself or pulling my hair during an upset or tantrum (whatever you want to call it). Usually involves my feeling overwhelmed or overloaded by something (either pressure to socialise, having a routine upset too many times, unexpected change, emotional upset, too much physical stimuli) and will result in my ranting to self, screaming and pulling hair, hitting head or sometimes other parts of my body. I do not scream at other people usually. The exception is if I am being bullied and am doing a bad job of trying to defend myself. I am not very good at it. I panic when people attack me and don't know what to do. I become flustered and can react with fear by shouting at the person as a way of trying to get them to back it off if I am cornered. Usually I flee when I can...in real life.
I do not have a desire to hurt myself, even if I do wonder if my quality of life is worth living for...please bear in mind these are thoughts and feelings at this stage and do not usually manifest as attempts. I am trying to express how much hurt I am feeling when i write such things. I have problems getting people to understand me, regardless of how I try to explain things. It is incredibly frustrating.
And so on, my brain just emptied out and is refusing to give me anything else for now so I will come back and add more later...as I only covered the first 20 years of my life thus far...
I am tired and need to sleep.
24 Jan 2014, 8:04 am
