Guilt

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I have noticed that as I am coming to really grasp the concept that my struggles and issues really may have never been my fault and have simply been grand misunderstandings, I actually am developing a haunting sense of guilt over it. (I am undiagnosed but have been referred to asd specialists for diagnosis by the psychiatrist I recently went to and am pursuing assessment)

Not sure if the guilt is newly acquired or if I simply can recognize and name it now due to new self awareness, but I feel guilty for the way I behave that confuses my friends, hurts them, causes them to feel the need to tread lightly or withhold potentially upsetting information, causes fights and arguments, results in meltdowns or sensory overload, etc etc. I also have an unsettling notion that since I allow these issues to repeat themselves (as per the guilt I feel), I don't deserve the love or loyalty of my friends or that, for instance, one more incident may put them over the edge. As if I could potentially cut the crap if I chose to but instead I keep choosing to be difficult and cause problems.

Now deep down I get that all this is probably really closer the opposite of reality. But my point is that It just seems like since I am learning that things are not my fault, I should be feeling LESS guilty, not more. I don't really remember feeling guilty before. I know I was sad and confused by struggling with friendships, etc, but never guilty. It also seems like my best friend and her family should be becoming MORE understanding and patient since they are learning that I probably haven't been causing problems on purpose. However, it seems like she is harder to reach and less open to getting on the same page. Any thoughts on this? Is this one of those usual "it gets worse before it gets better" things?

I'm working on getting a diagnoses myself, but I'm 100% sure I have aspergers at this point. Guilt is something I struggle with ALL the time. It manifests itself as heavy anxiety, dread, and shame all rolled into one. It comes from me not understanding what social expectations are being placed on me at any given moment, and me not being able to live up to the expectations others overtly place on me. It's my assumption that their expectations are reasonable, even if I can't live up to them (such as not going to a friend's birthday party when I'm hitting sensory overload, resulting in a month's worth of angry/hurt drama that I couldn't understand beyond "I have failed as a friend.").

What I've been learning recently is this: No one, under any circumstances, has any right to place any expectations on you, no matter their relation to you or what they have done for you. Aspergers or NT, you are the ONLY person who should be putting expectations on yourself. If you want to have give and take relationships that foster long term benefits, then it becomes worth it to set a higher bar for yourself, but you don't "owe" it.

Not to mention, what of your own expectations? Has anyone tried to live up to those? Has anyone even tried to give them any regard? It can't be solely your job to bend can it? What NTs don't understand by and large when dealing with those who are not NT, is that they have to work at finding the right ways to communicate too. If their relationship with you isn't completely one sided, then they should WANT to find the best ways to both receive information from you, and impart information too you. It's also okay for you to say, "hey! I'm working really hard at this, but you have to cut me some slack and you have to work at this too."

Any hurt you have caused is likely due to NTs placing unrealistic expectations on you, which is their problem not yours. With all of that said, I do want to clarify that I am not saying learning social skills and developing friendships isn't worth it and must be done only on your terms, because that's not true. It's immensely rewarding to develop real friendships and learn to communicate effectively with NTs, but it's also very important to remember that just because you are different than most, doesn't mean you lose your innate human right to set your own boundaries.

I wrote about this on my blog -- not guilt so much, but shame. (Most people conflate the two, but there's a difference). I think as autists, we're more at risk to feel toxic shame just for being who we are. Maybe this will help. http://www.lunalindsey.com/2013/11/auti ... shame.html

I read this and it deeply hit home for me. I'm not gonna lie, my eyes welled up a bit. I have never once stopped to consider the difference between the two and this has done SO much for helping me understand where and what my crazy town emotions are.

I'm thinking you should disregard my response above and read this instead. My post was coming from a place of total frustration while jamgrrl's blog post is coming from a place of quiet reflection and internal wisdom.

:) Clandestine, what you said is true too! NTs expect us to be like them and if not, we're the ones with the empathy problems, right? :) (I'm planning a post on that topic, too.) We do need to evaluate our expectations in light of NT expectations and not feel ashamed when we choose to take care of ourselves first. No one can live solely for the sake of others.

I'm glad you got something out of my post. :)

I feel guilty about my autism because of all the work it has put everyone through.
Instead of having a normal son, my parents ended up with a special needs kid who was twice or triple the work.
Instead of having a normal buddy his age, my cousin ended up with a special needs kid to look after.
The same goes for my best/only friend.
I'm so thankful for their patience, kindness and generosity - but I feel guilty at times. Or maybe it's shame idk.

I also feel a big part is our capacity to endlessly OBSESS over past issues.

I've done stuff I'll always be embarrassed and ashamed of, but I'm doing better at forcing myself to NOT think about those things. It's the obsession over them that makes the guilt/shame that much worse.

NTs usually get over these things and let them go. We tend to hang on forever.

Thanks for the reassurance! I was concerned that my reply was giving bad advice somewhere since I was definitely posting it more out of frustration at NTs than anything. Boundaries and expectations are a tough nut to crack when you're the outsider. Also, I would definitely love to read that post, so keep me updated if you do it .