My Aspy-like hubby

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In 2007, I met this man, and I couldn't believe my luck, he was adoring, romantic and showed so much interest in me. We have been together 8 years and are married. However, about 4 years ago, he started to really change (or my rose-coloured glasses broke), we were both stressed, we were not seeing each other regularly and work schedules as well impacted on us. He acted so strangely, said such weird things and forgot simple tasks, I seriously thought he had early onset dementia. We argued so much over silly things. I thankfully came across an online AQ test and we both took it. My husband scored 4 points below those diagnosed with Asperger's, (his good social skills pulling him out of that group), I scored 2 points above the control group (ironically, this highlighted my crippling social skills)!

Anyways, convinced he was somewhere on the Asperger's spectrum, even if it's the periphery, I started reading up on Asperger's, from people who had partners with it, or have it, and reading forums. I found myself highlighting page after page of text in my books, of instances which I had experienced with my husband.

I love my husband very much and this is not me slagging him off, and it may come across as being on the offense, I am currently in a 'cooling off' period after a blow-up with him, so the following wording may be hard or sarcastic, but I really do want others to hear my story.

Now, no two experiences are the same, here are some examples of my husbands behaviour:
1. My husband was playing on his phone and engrossed in it to such a degree, that when I slipped off a step ladder (misjudging the step) and gave out a yelp!, he did not even notice, but I was standing 3ft away, I had to tell him I slipped, he responded kindly, but with something like: You did are alright aren't you? - this not being question but a statement.
2). When he does things, because he 'goes through the motions/does the actions' it means it is done, period, I have to constantly pull him up over his grooming (having not looked in the mirror, he might not have bothered sometimes), this also relates to the cleaning of the house, which sometimes is not completed 100% (cleaning the worktops, but leaving one side dirty, or wiping in such a way, that there are still crumbs all over the table). I think he does not feel the need to look at what he is doing.
3). He cannot organise to get bills paid and has had to rely on me to sort his finances out, also his employer helped once and I now have a chart to show which bills need to be paid when, which unfortunately, he sometimes forgets to look at. He does not put all items back/close drawers? He simply does not see it needs to be done (they become invisible), so he/we kind of live in disarray, chaos and confusion when I don't take control.
4). He has no foresight, so cannot adequately judge situations/the future. He really cannot see how events all relate ultimately to each other, but sees everything compartmentalized. Because of this he cannot prioritize things in his life. He struggles to see how all of his behaviour can belong maybe to one syndrome.
5). His ex moved out 10 years ago, and left a pile of her stuff in the house (toys, furniture, books, bedding, clothes, shoes, etc., of the 3 bedrooms, we had her junk in 2 bedrooms, the attic and the garage, apart from a few items now, he finally cleared it out this last month. I have lived with him 1 year, most of this clearing out took place whilst I have lived here (trust me he didn't clear it without a fight!). He simply closed the doors and it did not bother him.
6). He functions poorly in his home life, rubbish can accumulate (recycling mainly), not because he is hoarding, but because he'll take them to the recycling point later. It seems not to be a problem having plastic and glass bottles in the house. He forgot to take washing out of the machine, which I found 2 days later, which then needed re-washing as it was getting a bit funky!
7). The way he lines up shopping in the supermarket trolley is weird, very systematic. He will take my things off the sofa so he can sit down, and instead of handing them to me, he puts them to the furtherest end of the coffee table.
. He procrastinates, if I ask him to do things, it's always 'later'!?! It's now got to the point where he is trying his best to do things when I tell him, because he has seen what happens when he doesn't (he forgets). I left a note for him to call two companies the next day (about bills) by his bedside table, I also texted him early the morning of the call (but he overslept, so put off calling them), and I finally remembered and reminded him 20 minutes to 5pm. He completely forgot to do it!?! I live in a country where I do not speak the language, so have had to rely on him, but at one point it impacted detrimentally on our finances, that I started to ring the companies and got them to speak English with me.
9). He has sensory issues, he will sit in the house with the curtains drawn in the daytime and then feel it's dark, so will turn the light on???. All the lights were low wattage (proper cave-like). He hates loud music, and will often turn the radio/TV down to inaudible levels. Also, certain smells are unpleasant to him in a way that is to me over the top.
10). He is totally obsessed with keeping good time. He will leave the house with dirty dishes, to ensure he is on time to a house party???
11). He does somethings full on: cooking everything on full flame, running the taps full blast, when we were repairing the garden fence, he wanted to take the whole structure down, because in his mind it made sense to start from scratch, but I suggested taking out one floppy post and resetting it and then continuing to replace any missing panels. This cut about 1-2 hours off the job and the fence is standing well 9 months later.
12). He does not listen to logic. He is stubborn to a fault! He will contradict himself, or go against me (when he knows I am talking facts) just so he can fight back. He did this a lot as a child, and told me he had fights at school on a weekly basis.
13). He has serious problems expressing his feelings, he seems unable to tell me anything intimate in any detail. He takes forever (a week or more) to write something from his heart, often rehashing things I have said. When we have arguments he usually repeats what I say or says 'I agree'.
14). His gaming on his iPhone actually took precedence over important things that had to be done? So I had to put my foot down. He nearly lost it when in an argument, I took his phone away, so I could get him to talk to me, he uses it as his crutch, he is totally obsessed with the thing! The only other thing I find he has an obsession with is his job. It is the only thing he takes seriously enough, that he will do it by the book and not screw up.
15). He has a real hedonistic thing going on, he is all about the pleasures, and this can overtake the more boring practical side of life, I have to remind him that life is not all about fun and that you should try to 'earn' your fun, that way you appreciate it more and maybe the practical part of life makes you feel you have achieved something.
16). He 'reacts' to life rather than being proactive. He does not understand very well the 'carpe diem' concept, he 'fire fights' constantly.
17). Out of sight out of mind, when we were apart, he would not call me for days when at home at the weekend. This may be over the top for most, but we lived 500km apart, so if he did not call in his free time, did I know if he cared? For me if we didn't have frequent communication, what did we have??? I often felt forgotten at this time. I also have to remind him to call his elderly dad!
18). He makes huge demands on me, but very passively, he allows me to pick up the slack, he will thank me if it's obvious to him, but makes no effort next time to do it himself. It makes most things go his way.
19). He has a view of himself that he passively puts himself on a pedestal, in agruments, I often have to tell him that the world does not revolve around him or that he is not as great as he seems to think he is.
20). Even though I have told him many times that I don't need financial security from him as a no.1 thing, and I need reliability, trust, get up and go! He somehow feels the thing I need from him first is financial security?
21). At times, he does not seem to comprehend his physical environment and would for instance drag his clean clothes up a dirty staircase or constantly kick my keyboard when crossing his legs, also he can be clumsy.
22). At times when I ask what he is thinking about he says nothing, and I really can't comprehend that.
23). My husband is like a hamster in a wheel going round and round and round and making the same mistakes again and again and again! I feel that I am slip-streaming him into the hamster wheel, and I don't want to go there with him!

24). He shows a keen interest in my hobbies, and helps out if he can.
25). He loves cuddles, I mean if we sit on the sofa, we sit close and he cuddles and kisses me constantly. We cuddle everyday in bed. He tells me he loves me constantly. When out I am sure some people think we are a new couple.
26). What he can do for me he tries to go all out and make it special (delicious meals, bubble baths, horse-drawn carriage rides).
27). If he is free he will pick up or drop me off anywhere I ask of him (like my language school).
28). We go shopping all the time and he never grumbles: all shopping, any shops and also, I am talking about women's
clothes shops!! !
29). He will do anything for my family and takes an active part in family activities (they all love him!).

As you can see the bad outweighs the good! I feel like I am on a roller-coaster ride with him, when it's good, I am floating on a cloud and when it's bad I just want to go as far away as possible. Most Aspy partners feel this way and many have experienced a lot of what I have said here, in different ways. Intrinsically my husband is a good man with a heart of gold, and I know it's very martyrly of me, but I am scared that if I leave him he will flounder, and I HAVE wanted to leave him many a time.

I do believe that you can display Asperger's-like qualities and not have the awkward social skills. Maybe the doctors have yet to realise/catagorise that 'being part' of this spectrum, there is the side of it where someone displays poor functionality, and it is as important as poor social skills. Poor functional skills are, as I and many others know to be extremely debilitating, his behaviour impacts really badly upon us. I try to explain things to him and how what some of what he is doing is making my life miserable. He is trying his best to do things to help me, and think about me and put me higher up the scale, for the longest time I come way down the scale, below his job?!?

I really hope this helps others like me?

BTW, I am not an example of perfection, I have my flaws, I do let him know that when we talk. I also encourage him to tell me if I don't quite meet his expectations.

You realize this is a forum comprised mainly of people on the spectrum, right? You're statement (which I've underlined in the quote above) is insulting. It sounds like the stuff I've read around the net from women who've decided their husbands are Autistic, and thus that's why they're terrible partners. People on the spectrum can be wonderful, loyal, and considerate partners.

Reading through your list, it mostly shows that your husband is inattentive, sloppy, careless, and lazy. These not inherent to ASD and are typically personality traits. Some of it may be ADHD. You said for the first 4 years that these things weren't occurring; Autism is not something that manifests over time.



You're a new comer to ASD. There's a lot about it that you have yet to learn. You can have your own theories about what it includes if you wish, but they're unfounded. Social struggles are a massive part of ASD. If you hang around here you'll see that many of what is posted discusses how to make friends, meet potential partners, social gaffs, not understanding 'the rules' of socializing, etc.

It may seem like I am being hard on you, but I do understand your frustration. My own bf does many of the things you listed and it makes for a tumultuous relationship. But he is not on the spectrum, he's a narcissist.

Without significant social deficits, a person cannot have autism.
Your husband may be functioning poorly in some areas, but autism is not general label for functioning poorly, as there are many other reasons for functioning poorly that are not autism related.
A person must have significant social deficits that can be observed on the outside to have autism.

No need to be a martyr. My husband divorced me due to disability issues, and yes I did flounder initially, but ultimately he did me a favor. Better to be alone than with someone who feels that way about you.

When he forgets something like leaving the washing in the machine,
Or doesnt clean off the counter
Do you get angry or sarcastic?

Last edited by slenkar on 06 Feb 2016, 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, the evidence that he has ASD seems pretty shaky to me too. I think practically everybody has a smattering of the ASD traits, and ASD doesn't just start after 4 years of happy marriage. Sounds like that phase of stress and estrangement might be behind it somehow. If you both really want to make it work, the only thing I can think of is to try to find a good counsellor, one who really listens and gets to the heart of what's really going on.

From the information given, we certainly cannot make a definite diagnosis of an autistic condition, either on its own, or co-morbid with some other problem.

However, I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome late in life - and much as it pains me to admit it, I very often treated the people who love me, my environment, and myself, in ways just as dysfunctional as the man in question.

I'm very new here, and I can appreciate that "passing for normal" may be a controversial subject. But my personal experience of attempting to "pass" for most of my life tells me that it is very subject to context. It is far easier to "pass" when encounters are only with casual acquaintancies, or a place where one has "worked out the rules". In a romantic relationship, and the commitment of marriage, I can only guess at how much harder it would be to do. This could in principle explain the apparent change in the behaviour of the person in question. I'm not saying that it is likely, just a possibility that cannot be excluded with certainty.

The description definitely chimes with my experience of alexithymia - which impairs the ability of a person to recognise their own emotions, or to describe them adequately to others. Since I was diagnosed with this, at the same time as AS, I have become painfully aware of how much I have inadvertently hurt the people I claim to love. I'm sure this man's apparent aloofness, indifference, and hedonism would be very familiar to members of my family.

IMHO, the whole problem hinges on this: Does he realise himself that his behaviour is dysfunctional, and is he willing to seek diagnosis or treatment? Whatever is up with him, it won't change without some effort from him, even if it is only to seek the opinion of a professional. I suggest that you make it totally unambiguous to him that your relationship depends on it. If he is anything like I have been, he'll just keep repeating the same behaviour until there is a crisis which is impossible to ignore - I suspect that maintaining the status quo would be very unlikely to lead to any change in your circumstances, and no greater happiness for either of you.

If he won't seek to change, you have no reason to feel guilty if you decide to walk away, regardless of what he might one day be diagnosed with. If he is an undiagnosed autistic who is somehow able to "pass" when he puts his mind to it, then he is certainly self-aware enough to see that only his own actions will result in him bettering himself - and only he can decide whether he wants to better himself.

Maybe look into ADHD, because the pattern of his problems remind me of it a lot. The practical functioning issues all seem like executive dysfunction, which is a problem with both ADHD and autism, but it's more acknowledged and understood in ADHD.

ADHD is also a form of neurological atypicality, so if it turns out to be ADHD, you were on the right track.