How do you make peace?

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How do you make peace with it when others are doing things that seem like they don't respect you and never will?

Example, you send out an e-mail to several co-workers. (These are not people who are averse to e-mails. This is a tech company where people live and breathe e-mails.) The e-mail addresses a problem and is also a request for more information needed to resolve the problem. You send it, and you already know right after you clicked send that it will go into an e-mail black hole. Sure enough, nobody answers and then they proceed to waste a whole bunch of time and effort. Later you say well, all that stuff you just wasted all day on, I already put that in an e-mail so I guess you didn't bother to read it.

Now, it is of course not useful or helpful to be angry. And you can't change people.

Note that:

* I'm not looking for what I might have done differently in the original e-mail. I'm always trying to improve that, but regardless of that I know this problem will never go away no matter how I try to improve my communication habits.

* I'm not looking to say "well it is my fault." or to just admit it just meants I'm inferior to them. I am not going to do that, I lived like that for 3 decades and won't do it anymore

I'm just looking for ideas on how to make peace with something you can't change, like people not respecting you at all (or at least not seeming to.) I try, but it inevitably ends up making me upset every time.

First of all, if you send lots of emails in or as a bulk to others the email servers may tag you as spam for their email box's so they may not get it, secondly, if the email is vary long most people wont bother to read it, to much work or thinking for them. and lastly the more you make an issue out of something the worse you make things on your self, when most people don't really want to give a crap other then to get on with their own work and lives, so for the most part its better to just let some issues go, esp if their personal ones.

Is this a workplace issue? It seems that your issue is with your peers, and that your superiors are not involved (yet).

You don't say what size organisation you work for, but there ought to be some kind of reporting procedure.

If you and your superiors are happy that you are pulling your weight within the organisation, then maybe you need to be able to negotiate for somebody else to compose and send your emails on your behalf.

Possibly, this would be an occasion when a written diagnosis of ASD would be useful in support of your request for special support, but if you don't have one, then go see your doctor and ask for some help with your workplace issue.

* No, they are not going into spam filters. I wont bore you with the details but suffice it to say this is not happening.
* The emails are not long.

Agreed.

I think this misses the point. The emails are fine, people just prefer to ignore them. They do it to each other too, to a lesser extent. And making a big stink of it will never help. The only solutions to the e-mails is to either just let the other people waste their time, or call them or talk to them in person even though I find that annoying.

This isn't just about e-mail either. This is just about making peace with the fact people will always want to ignore me. You don't help by being a drama queen, it just makes people hate you. I have to just have enough self reliance to simply not care, and that is what I'm trying to accomplish.

Find things you can change, and can make a difference on, whether that's painting and watching the picture come from your actions, or whether its mowing the lawn and seeing what you wanted to occur happen because you did it, find things you want to change or want to make progress on, and do them.

They can be small, but find things. And see what that gives you. Because seeing what you can change makes it easier for many people to deal with what you can't. And making progress on anything is something that tends to help with all sorts of mental health and mental health issues tend to come comorbid with autism spectrum disorders.

This may overlap a little with what Tuttle is saying --


I think my question is a question with no real answer. It is just something you have to continue to work on. In the short term it has just gotten me extremely frustrated.

If you addressed your request to several people, odds are they are all expecting the others to answer. This reminds me of what I was told about being a first responder to an accident... Never say "call 911" or "get help". Instead you are supposed to look at one particular person, in the eye, and tell that person to call 911. If you need something else, you look at 1 person and tell them to do what you need. Otherwise, no one will call 911 or get you what you need because human psychology is simply that we are always expecting the other guy to do whatever needs doing, unless the request or demand is directed specifically at us.

"I think my question is a question with no real answer. It is just something you have to continue to work on"

You may be right, but you don't necessarily have to do it without help.

You don't say much about the level at which you work, but you do seem to feel secure in your position.

You shouldn't have to suffer in silence. Go talk to someone - you might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

There is no making peace with email. You need AT LEAST a videoconference or phone call. If you truly wish to try & make peace via email, you'll need a cellphone with a real QWERTY on it.

I for one choose to practice peacemaking by walking into a room and thinking about peace.

How do you make peace? you park your truck or van next to the work building with near two tons of TNT in it, it would solve most all your problems.

I believe you have my stapler...

Master Thread Killer - you didn't say whether the OP should stay in the cab, or run like hell...

Rule of thumb, if your stapler costs less then the two tons of TNT, then you can have it back, or ill buy you a new one, and all is forgiven.



Stay in the cab of course, otherwise the government will kill you off anyways, or make you wish you had.

Which is an example of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect (or, at least, a variant of it).

If this is indeed the case, try just addressing your request to a few people next time (no more than three, say)--those who might be the best at handling what you are requesting.

If you continue to get ignored, then just do your own part and don't even bother anymore--or go straight to the top (your supervisors, if you have not already done so).

I've had this happen to me too, and I still don't know exactly why.

An all-too-familiar story! When I have the solution to something I tell people, but they don't seem to notice unless you jump up and down shouting for attention - and I don't see why I should do that, especially when what I'm saying is for their benefit, not for mine. (This even happened to me right here on WP with the infamous CAPTCHAs.)

The only thing that I found helps is reminding myself that these other people are ignoring me to their own detriment and feeling a bit of smug satisfaction that I'm better than them. I now see the funny side of people wasting their time when they could have just listened to me. Also, I will generally refuse to help them to make up for the mistakes that wouldn't have happened if they listened to me, taking the opportunity to point this out (though I'll give them the benefit of the doubt the first time).