No future prospects or self confidence....at age FIVE

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I came to a very chilling realization, earlier tonight:

to sum it up, I broke up with my now ex-girlfriend in late '12; I thought I'd finally gotten closure a few months back, but I officially got it with in the last few weeks. Both my Dad and my room-mate were surprised to hear it, thinking I was just going back to the "well". One thing I told my Dad about what may've made my closure harder, aside from being so busy and stressed out between now and our breakup, was that there's been no one to fill that spot up, since then. I won't lie when I tell you relationships are one of my biggest areas of insecurity; they shouldn't be, I suppose, but they are. It's complicated, though if you want me to get into it, I will.

That said, I decided to take a relaxing shower shortly after explaining all this to my Dad, and that's when the chilling realization hit me:

I suddenly experienced a memory from my early childhood, about the age of 5. I remembered asking my parents about their being married and all that, with my Mom saying "one day you'll find someone". I responded with "I'm never gonna find anyone".

Folks, I want you to process this: 5 years old, and I had no faith in myself to find true love, and in fairness, do much of anything else all that successfully. No real shocker that about 10-15 years later I wound up in a massive depression which I didn't fully recover from for at least 8 years, only to fall into a mini one just last year.

It's making me wonder now: is part of the reason I'm such a workaholic, and so damn hard on myself today, an attempt to finally impress that little 5 year old kid inside me who never thought he'd amount to anything?

This seriously made my mouth drop when I remembered/realized it.

I brought this up to one of the Autism forums on Facebook and....apparently I wasn't the only one; in fact, everyone else said almost the exact same thing.

I'm beginning to think it's not just nurture, but also nature; something going on in our minds at a very early age, probably regarding our hyper-analytical minds that are still forming, and we don't really know how to work thru it yet, and of course in terms of nurture...no one else around us does, either.

LMK what you folks think, cause this excited not only me, but several others on that Facebook group.

I can relate to this. I have pushed so hard on myself trying to prove to myself and to certain others, even though I don't have contact with these others, that I am competent and capable. I was always afraid of being seen as stupid and still am to some extent.

I'm not sure of anything, but I do have issues about intuitive KNOWING long before the objective facts are in.

Example.

I KNEW a career choice was NEVER going to happen for me. I know it in my gut, but I thought it was just a lack of self-confidence, and no matter how hard I tried or applied myself, that's the outcome that happened.

Did I secretly sabotage it ever happening, or did I understand the finer mechanics of how the world works on some subconscious level and recognize I didn't fit the profile needed to be accepted in my chosen occupation? I don't know.

If we give up because our "gut" tells us X is going to be the outcome, we'll never achieve anything. Heck, just because our "gut" says Y is going to be the outcome doesn't mean it always happens either.

When I was 5 years old, I couldn't talk yet. I know it's negative: but you had comprehension of a "future" at age 5, which is actually pretty amazing.

It's a good thing that "prophecies" such as what you stated don't always come true.

I am of the opinion that you have more going for you than you believe yourself. I can sense that, based on your writing.

Alas, it's a very common problem amongst Aspies--the lack of a relationship. I didn't do so well in my youth and younger adulthood.--but we have to persevere, in order to prove both ourselves, and those around us, wrong.

At around age 5 I also felt this way and at 17 today I still do sadly and I'm only starting to see somebody about the depression In my life which has mounted over the many years, currently however I still find it hard to believe I have much future prospects.

Five is plenty old enough for nurture effects. For example, a child's attachment style forms mainly based on parent-child interaction from the ages of 9-24 months, and is mostly settled by age five. (It can still change, but it's a lot less likely to.) A five year old has already spent five years being affected by their environment, and not only that, the first five years are the most crucial for brain development.

Even an 18 month old can show irreversible or very difficult to reverse environmental effects. People who've adopted NT 18 month olds from orphanages have learnt this, because those kids have a whole pile of cognitive and emotional issues, all stemming from the environment they spent their first 18 months in.

Given all the research I've read, it's perfectly plausible for me to think of a five year old having an environmentally-induced pessimistic view of life. For example, they might have an avoidant attachment, an attachment style that basically involves the philosophy 'you can't depend on anyone else, so take care of yourself'. This attachment style emerges in toddlers when their parents are unresponsive to their emotional distress (even if they otherwise look after them well).

I know that the normal early infantile amnesia can make it feel like your life began at 3-5 years old, but it really didn't. Things that happened when you were too young to remember can still have a huge effect on your personality.

I didn't have such thoughts when I was five or any other age.
I am more optimist by nature.