Bubble repair. Solitaries.

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Sometimes I am polluted and seriously impaired by an external unavoidable entanglement with people outside my bubble. The outing is sometimes looked for by myself in a fit of weakness, to have some reassurance that I still exist, that it’s not all a dream. But the expenditure in terms of my bubble’s solidity is high and it takes much effort in mending and restoring the structure. One of my techniques is that of plunging myself in frenetic solitaries (Free cell). Solitaires absorb most of left hemisphere activity, allays anxiety and allow a gradual recovery of my abnormal but mandatory equilibrium.

I don't like to visit my friends anymore because I feel like rather than making me feel more balanced they tend to chisel away at my self identity. No one I know, including my family, is very similar to me. Spending time alone is the best way I can allow my personality to develop as it would if I had people to interact with that were on the same wavelength as me. I'll leave my bubble when I feel confident and energetic enough to maintain my outlook in the throngs of the mainstream. Does that sound pretentious? This is something new that I'm trying, because last year I tried to integrate, and it almost killed me.

I used to always look forward to seeing friends from a spiritual site I worked on...doing their weekend long workshops etc, but it would always be bittersweet and result in me having a tantrum of one sort or another. The last and final one I went to, they had given me the smallest room in the hotel, in spite of my being a moderator..I mean, this room was like a cupboard and I get nightmares in small spaces. I just immediately went from calm and positive to negative and raging and they had to find someone to swap with me as when the site's head moderator initially refused to do anything I burst into tears and shouted and ran off. None of them knew I have AS at the time as I didn't know myself, but the idea of being put in that small room freaked me out, as well as making me feel I was being stuck there to keep me away from everyone else.

Almost every socialisation I experience, leaves me feeling drained to some degree, and immensely relieved to be back in my own space...though sometimes, I get unhappy when I return from staying with my mother in London as her apartment is so nice and tidy and I can buy lots of books and stuff there. But on the down side, she has no interest in listening to anything I have to talk about unless it is what she is interested in...so I do wonder if she has AS too to a degree heh.

Anyway, I digress. I find that venturing out is fine. I find venturing out with the aim of finding some company, or proving I exist ends in my believing even more that I do not exist...as in the end, I am stuck behind this wall, while life is going on around me, and as far as I can tell, that is a life I cannot be a part of. Before xmas, it filled me with such immense sadness and disappointment that I had no-one to share the pre xmas excitement with...but then I reminded myself it is only about spending money now anyway.