Please tell me if you think I have Aspergers...

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Hi all,
I am hoping to find out if I have Asperger?s syndrome. I?ve taken online tests but they are not reliable, so I wanted to hear from people with this condition. I would see a psychiatrist but I can?t without my mom finding out (not that she would see it negatively. I just want to do this alone until I'm absolutely sure). I hope you read my story?

Where to start?
I?m a 23 year old female. I have been moving to different countries, cities, and school all my life. When I was a child, my family and relatives noticed I was different from other kids. My mom says I was always very quiet and private (I still am, although I learned to open up to my mom and sister). I never cried as a baby, even when I had needles go through my skin (in my home country, when children catch cold, they get shots on their bottoms). I never expressed any discomfort or needs, never threw tantrums, and didn?t like to express feelings verbally. I always had trouble making friends. I?ve been bullied, or otherwise made fun of because I never spoke at school. Ever since I have been bullied, I get these uncontrollable I-want-to-murder-someone anger bursts occasionally, and became distrusting of people in general. Even one teacher in high school always made fun of my quietness in front of class (during my presentation, he jokingly offered to bring me a microphone). Both in my native language and second language (English), I have never been articulate or confident about my speaking skills. Presentations are my worst nightmare. Avoiding this kind of situations prevents me from being successful (like skipping class to avoid presentations).

Inability to socialize like other people has made socializing the worst fear. I have gotten slightly better over the years, but I simply can?t understand WHY and HOW people make small talk or conversations. Big crowded spaces and noisy traffic/people chatting REALLY makes me stressed out and I have to leave the scene immediately. The whole time I am outside of my home, I have to put on an act. Socializing is harder than rocket science ?it is just impossible for me to think of what to say to people, and to know how to behave/act in social situations and be accepted. I?ve always been considered eccentric and ?weird.? Every time my peers at school told me this, it really hurt me and made me wonder, what IS wrong with me? Everyone is different, but what is so different about me that people don?t accept me for who I am? Why, on the first day of each class, do people never approach me, and when they do, they somehow decide I am unusual and never talk to or look at me again? Why does everyone constantly tell me to smile? Why do people constantly ask me if I am angry or upset, just because I am expressionless? Why did I walk ?weirdly? until my mom pointed it out and I tried to fix it? Why doesn?t something as simple as walking come naturally to me? I STILL always feel like my body is about to collapse when I?m walking. It?s like I lose control or balance, and I make awkward movements. It makes me absolutely dread walking in a large open public space, because I am afraid that people will notice my unusual walk.

My family and teachers always made me feel like I was special. I learned to speak much earlier than other kids, without anyone teaching me, which shocked my mom. Many of my teachers called me a prodigy, and I have won many competitions and good grades with minimal efforts. I always said I am just extremely lucky. My family always told me I was gifted. But am I really? While I seem to have natural talent at art, music, and anything that involves creating, I feel I am inferior to many other people my age. I feel that no matter how talented I may be, without the social skills that every other person seems to have, I am nothing, and will go nowhere in life. As a grown up, now I see that in order to live in this society among other people, I can?t be the way I am. But I feel that it?s IMPOSSIBLE to change myself. I really tried? or I really tried to try, if that makes sense. I don?t feel it?s something I can learn to do.

All this has caused intense social anxiety and depression. I?ve seen a couple of psychiatrists while growing up, been on medication, but there?s a limit to what they can do. I tried telling my sister yesterday, but she counter-argues every Asperger?s sign I tell her I have. She keeps telling me that it is dangerous to diagnose myself, and that everybody else is also shy and awkward, etc? She just does not GET it. I find it frustrating? because she is usually very supportive and trusting of me. She was also a medical student with psychology as her minor. I thought she would tell me something helpful.

So I started doing research on Asperger?s syndrome on my own, after my mom recently told me that when I was little, she and my aunt suspected that I was autistic. It shocked me, but gave me some hope, because it would at least explain my differentness. It would give me comfort to know that I am not simply a weirdo. It would give me a place to start, and help me figure out what actions to take to improve myself. I found that I could immediately relate to many of the signs of Asperger?s, but not all of them. I also seem to have some signs of Autism. It would help me immensely if you guys could tell me what you think?

My signs of autism and/or Asperger?s are:

- Inappropriate laughing/giggling for no reason (it stopped after about age 20)

- Not wanting physical contact (it was much more severe when I was little ? I pushed my family away when they tried to touch me in any way, which often hurt my mom emotionally)

- Preferring to be alone (I am dependent on my mom and grew up in an overprotective family, but I still enjoyed playing by myself more than playing with other kids)

- Insistence on sameness (Until about age 20, I wore the same clothes every day and ordered the same food at restaurants)

- Avoid eye contact (I feel very uncomfortable meeting other people?s eyes, and avoided doing so in the past, but now I force myself to, because I know that it is socially unacceptable to avoid eye contact. It still feels very awkward, and I can?t control my apparently ?mean? face)

- Inappropriate attachment to objects (I have a set of dolls I?ve had since I was little ? I used to talk to them, tuck them in, and this will sound silly ? kiss them in a specific order. I promised them I?ll never abandon them. Ok now you must think I?m crazy! I also used to feed (put food on their mouth) them and treat them like they were my babies. I still have them and would never throw them out)

- Difficulty in interacting with others (This has always been true. Also I seem to befriend and relate to older people more. In college, I had 2 friends and they were both about 4 years older than me. I feel that people my age do not like me in general, and I cannot relate to their interests, problems, etc?)

- Awkward walking/movement/posture (I don?t rock back and forth or anything, but I?ve been told I stand and walk awkwardly. Also I seem to get these sudden head spasms when I get nervous in a social situation, and I look around wildly to see if anyone noticed. I don?t understand what is considered ?normal? in general ? things that may come naturally to most people usually do not for me, and I have to be told specifically what IS normal.)

- Few/awkward facial expressions (this one is big for me. People (even family) have always told me that I look angry or sad, even when I am in content mood. I just don?t understand the fact that I am *expected* to have a certain facial expression 24/7. I look around and observe people, and nobody seems to be as mean-looking as I am. But I can?t help it, I can?t control my expressions, it seems)

- Shows no reaction, feelings, or empathy to another person talking to me (I do try to listen to my friends or family when they are talking, but I always end up observing their face or my surroundings and not catching a word they said. In general I zone out a lot, and have trouble concentrating on things unless I am fascinated by them or passionate about the subject)

- Gets distracted very easily, notices tiny details others cannot, sensitive to small sounds no one else seems to notice (sometimes a good thing, because often I see a spider on a wall and catch it before it ends up in a bed or something, and also I've picked up money from the ground many times!)

- Show no interest in socializing: Like I mentioned before, I don?t understand why people make small talk or conversations. It irritates me how trivial and stupid things people talk about, and I don?t open my mouth unless I absolutely need to (at work, or to discuss a problem with family). I?ve always had one or two friend in each city I?ve lived in, and it?s hard for me to maintain friendship because I never call/text, or ask them out until they decide to contact me first. It just doesn?t occur to me that I have to do such things.

- Only able to concentrate on the things I am extremely interested in, and have intense obsessions (usually with specific and ?random? things. I just wasn?t able to bring myself to even try at subjects I did not like at school, but I was the best in my favorite subjects, usually art and music. I am also able to concentrate on something I am passionate about and completely lose track of time, which means I learn very fast if it?s something I really like)

- In middle school, even though I was a very quiet and reserved kid, I was often rude to teachers/tutors when I was distressed. In middle school on one of my lab reports, I wrote ?I learned nothing from this experiment? and my mom got called in. I had no clue what I had done wrong, I thought I was being honest. Little things like this, I had to be specifically told not to do, because I don?t know what is and is not socially acceptable.

- Speak in monotonous voice: I've been made fun of (sometimes jokingly by my family) my unusually deep voice (I'm a female). I speak slowly in a monotonous voice. I force myself to speak in a higher tone when I'm outside, but at home with my family, I sound like a she-male


I can?t think of anything else at the moment, my head aches because I?ve been crying too much today. I hope I didn?t leave off any important information.
I just hope that people will read my post and tell me what they think?about anything. It would help me just to hear from anyone about this matter. Sorry it?s so long?
Thank you and have a great day

Welcome to WP Cashewz.
I don't know what country you are in but at 23 are you of legal age? If you are I think you have enough reasons to be tested. Here on WP we are not qualified to tell you one way or the other if you are on the Spectrum but it seems to me that you have many traits and that is worth looking into.

Why are you concerned about your mom finding out? You mentioned that when you were little she suspected that you could be on the Spectrum. But even if you don't want to tell her you should be old enough to pursue it further by yourself. I think you should look into it.

You send, definitely, try to obtain a proper diagnosis by someone qualified to do so.

I believe you have some traits--but I'd really have to observe you in person to get a better idea.

Thank you for replying
Well...I just don't want to worry her (she has enough to worry about at the moment) with something I'm not 100% sure of.
I'm in Canada and of legal age. I need a free local consultation, but I just don't know how to look, and frankly nervous about going in and seeing someone.. So I decided to join this forum...

Welcome to wrong planet.

Now that you are here read the posts, discuss your issues, problems, and ask for advice, or just state your opinion on what is being discussed. If you start having a lot of epiphanies, or just feel connected to what goes on here in a way you have not with anything else in your life before, that is another sign.

Thank you