Should I continue to hang out with this person?

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JacktardedJake
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24 Jul 2014, 6:43 pm

There is this guy (also autistic) who keeps calling to hang out with me. The problem is that last year at a convention, he went up to one of the cosplaying girls holding up a free hugs sign and trying to force kiss her. He also claimed to other people that she was his girlfriend as well as played twister with some 13 year old girls. I didn't see this but I was at the same convention. I've told my parents about this but they keep insisting I be nice and that I'm being mean by not wanting to hang out with him. I'm I mean?



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24 Jul 2014, 6:46 pm

I don't think you are being mean. If what he is doing is disturbing to you, and I would be disturbed as well by it, and it makes you uncomfortable to be with him than you should not have to be with him. I would just tell him that he is being inappropriate and that makes you uncomfortable and so you don't want to hang out with him anymore.


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AspieUtah
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24 Jul 2014, 6:52 pm

Define your limits for yourself before you talk with him about his behaviors. While none of them appear illegal, they cross some social boundaries. Regardless of the age and gender of his targets, people could end up reacting very angrily to him. Add in the age and gender factors, and you might have some potentially violent situations. He should be told this, and the fact that you feel uncomfortable when he does such things. You can also draw some bondaries between you and him by telling him that if he continues to do these things, you will distance yourself from his friendship. At that point, the choice is his. And, you might just help him avoid some conflict.


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JacktardedJake
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24 Jul 2014, 7:15 pm

But my dad keeps telling me that he's not going to grope me so I shouldn't worry. Also months ago I saw him at a movie theater and when he tried to talk to me I kept walking like I was in a hurry. My dad told me I was being rude.



1024
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24 Jul 2014, 7:20 pm

I'd say talk to him abolut these things. That way you can assess if he is well-meaing and just doesn't know what is acceptable, or malicious. And if he is well-meaning, you can try to influence him.

In any case, in my opinion, you don't have any obligation to either leave him or stay close to him, you should decide it.


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AspieUtah
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24 Jul 2014, 7:23 pm

JacktardedJake wrote:
But my dad keeps telling me that he's not going to grope me so I shouldn't worry. Also months ago I saw him at a movie theater and when he tried to talk to me I kept walking like I was in a hurry. My dad told me I was being rude.

I agree with your father that your friend's behaviors won't likely get you in trouble, but, as his friend, you seem to want to distance yourself from your friend and his behaviors. You can do that, or you can try to influence him to stop the behaviors. Doing so would protect him from possible reactions, and save you both a friendship.


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JacktardedJake
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24 Jul 2014, 7:32 pm

AspieUtah wrote:
JacktardedJake wrote:
But my dad keeps telling me that he's not going to grope me so I shouldn't worry. Also months ago I saw him at a movie theater and when he tried to talk to me I kept walking like I was in a hurry. My dad told me I was being rude.

I agree with your father that your friend's behaviors won't likely get you in trouble, but, as his friend, you seem to want to distance yourself from your friend and his behaviors. You can do that, or you can try to influence him to stop the behaviors. Doing so would protect him from possible reactions, and save you both a friendship.

That's the thing, I'm not his friend, I just hang out with him because my parents guilt into it. Plus, I've talked to my friends about this and they said that not only should I ignore him, but that "he's not gonna grope you" is stupid because you never know when he might.



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24 Jul 2014, 7:45 pm

Your parents should not be guilting you into hanging out with this person. They need to stop that.


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JacktardedJake
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24 Jul 2014, 7:51 pm

skibum wrote:
Your parents should not be guilting you into hanging out with this person. They need to stop that.

I know but they won't. They keep telling me to feel sorry for him. He actually has other friends, but my mom said I still need to hang out with him because this person's mom want as many people there as possible during events.



JacktardedJake
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24 Jul 2014, 8:01 pm

Can't believe I forgot this, before this all happened he kept calling my female friend and kept trying to talk to her on facebook, to the point where she had to block him on facebook and get a new cell phone, even though he probably knew she had a boyfriend.



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24 Jul 2014, 8:16 pm

If you continue with this relationship, I suggest you give him honest feedback, eg "Dude, that wasn't cool". If he remains unresponsive to feedback, give up on him.



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24 Jul 2014, 8:25 pm

You are 22. Are you able to tell your mom no, you are not comfortable being his friend and that you need for her and expect her to respect your decision? And maybe his mom needs to have a talk with him as well about what is appropriate behavior and what is not. If she wants him to have friends and supporters she needs to teach him those things. It is not right for her to expect everyone to support him if he insists on doing stuff like that. That is not fair to the rest of you. Maybe someone needs to talk to her.


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24 Jul 2014, 8:34 pm

we are all allowed to pick our friends. if you become uncomfortable around him, it would be "rude" of him to act in the way he is with you around, or with people you are also friends(or more) with... its not all one sided. so just because your parents seem to think you are being rude, it doesnt void him from being rude. (honestly i dont know what term "rude" exactly is defined as, but i do know its categorized as unfriendly).... and it could be percieved to be "rude" by tolerating him and continuing to lead him into thinking that your okay with his actions(just trying to add perceptions from many different angles).

but like a lot of people on the spectrum, it can be hard to read between the lines or seeing what others might be feeling or thinking. so he may not be good with reading others hints or cues. meaning the best approach with some on the spectrum is being direct(if something he is doing is causing distress, let him know what it is, and if you can identify why it distresses you, you might add that in. he may not even notice and give a second thought on the things hes doing. until you bring his attention to it and your point of view).


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24 Jul 2014, 8:38 pm

JacktardedJake wrote:
Can't believe I forgot this, before this all happened he kept calling my female friend and kept trying to talk to her on facebook, to the point where she had to block him on facebook and get a new cell phone, even though he probably knew she had a boyfriend.

Did she tell him unequivocally that she does not want to talk to him, or just kept not responding?


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JacktardedJake
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24 Jul 2014, 9:25 pm

Saphie wrote:
we are all allowed to pick our friends. if you become uncomfortable around him, it would be "rude" of him to act in the way he is with you around, or with people you are also friends(or more) with... its not all one sided. so just because your parents seem to think you are being rude, it doesnt void him from being rude. (honestly i dont know what term "rude" exactly is defined as, but i do know its categorized as unfriendly).... and it could be percieved to be "rude" by tolerating him and continuing to lead him into thinking that your okay with his actions(just trying to add perceptions from many different angles).

but like a lot of people on the spectrum, it can be hard to read between the lines or seeing what others might be feeling or thinking. so he may not be good with reading others hints or cues. meaning the best approach with some on the spectrum is being direct(if something he is doing is causing distress, let him know what it is, and if you can identify why it distresses you, you might add that in. he may not even notice and give a second thought on the things hes doing. until you bring his attention to it and your point of view).

He should have learned that when the security guards halled him out for a period of time.



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24 Jul 2014, 9:28 pm

I personally wouldn't be friends with anyone who tried to forcefully touch or kiss others. Your parents might be pressuring you to spend time with him because he doesn't have many or any friends, but... well... unsurprisingly, people don't want to be around those who don't respect boundaries.

It's sad that some people clash so much with others, but it's also sad for people who'd have to allow others to cross their boundaries or make them uncomfortable. I don't think that's suddenly a fair request just because someone else is struggling.

If it's been a couple years and he seems more respectful of other people's space, a chance might be worthwhile. People can grow. I'd also look at the way he reacts to being told that something is making people uncomfortable. If he cares about how he affects people, that's different than not caring at all as long as he gets his way.