how might he feel?

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Hello, I hope this is the right place to post this. If not, let me know. My son was recently diagnosed with ASD. He is still quite young- just a toddler. However, I want to know how it feels for him to make eye contact. He makes almost no eye contact, in fact he usually doesn't look at faces much at all. Sometimes at our mouth. Do you think its very uncomfortable for him? We were advised to not give him something he wants until he makes eye contact, but if it is so uncomfortable for him that seems cruel to me. I was just wondering if any adults with ASD could describe what it might feel like for him. Thanks.

Awkward. Uncomfortable.

I think with my facial expression being mask-like (I've been told that it is and that I don't smile when I should) I feel that if I make eye contact in the wrong way or have the wrong facial expression, the other person will think I don't like them. Sometimes that's true, (like in the case of impatient customers I used to have to deal with) but not every time.

For me, it hurts, like staring into the sun. I also feel naked, like the other person is staring into my soul. What do normal people feel when they make eye contact?

I don't have an issue with eye contact and I am very good at it. But I remember when I was little that people would ask me to look at them a lot so maybe then I did not do it as much as I do now. But even though eye contact is not a problem for me I do know that there are some conversations that are more difficult for me to hear and understand especially if they are very emotional and I am trying to process emotions. I find that if I don't make eye contact I can hear and understand the person I am talking to much better than if I do make eye contact. Sometimes I find it easier to express myself as well if I don't make eye contact. This is also true when I am trying to process strong emotions. But I will often find myself looking at people's mouths rather than their eyes. I think I do this subconsciously. I also like when people wear sunglasses and I can't see their eyes. That makes it easier for me to look at their eyes. Other times I do very well with eye contact. The more relaxed I am the better I do with it.

Rather than manipulating your kid by only rewarding him when he makes eye contact, I would play eye games instead. What color are Daddy's eyes? What shape are Mommy's eyes? Do Mommy's eyes look like they are smiling? Games like that and you can fill them with high fives and fun little rewards. I would make eye contact a curiosity, something to be explored and played with rather than a "if you don't do it than you can't have something you want" thing.

It feels extremely uncomfortable, unpleasant, and confrontational. I have a natural tendency to watch people's mouth's when they speak. I have a very hard time making eye contact. I don't understand the need some people have, to have more than a quick eye glance. If we are talking, then I know you are there. Why do we need to stare at each other? It's an invasion of my psychological "space" to have to engage in "social staring." I don't want to be that "close" with people. I am also not into hugging and other affectionate displays for the same reason. It is too much and too close contact. I believe it is at least partly due to my sensory overload issues, but still why do so many people have such a strong, overwhelming need for "social staring?"

Thank you for your replies.

Skibum- I really like your idea about eye-play games. At present my son has no receptive or expressive language, but it is definitely something I could see us doing once he acquires some communication skills.

To the others who asked what eye contact is like for NT individuals, or why it is such a big deal- I guess for most NT people eye-contact signals engagement, sincerity, and honesty. Someone who won't maintain eye contact might be thought to be hiding something, or simply not interested in what you are saying. That said, I think there is a spectrum of NT just as there is a spectrum of autism. Though I am NT I find intense eye contact uncomfortable as well, and prefer to alternate between eye contact and glancing at nothing; making enough eye-contact to show I'm listening/engaging, but not steady, unbroken eye contact like some people prefer. I too find that invasive. I guess everybody's different.

I want to give my son the skills to interact with others more easily, but I don't want to force it on him. I certainly don't want to traumatize him by forcing him to copy something that, when it comes down to it, is simply for other people's comfort and not really necessary as a life skill. On the other hand, I don't want him to grow up and look back and say "Why didn't you teach me/help me to fit in?" So I feel conflicted over the best way to find a middle ground.

Some reassurance that the other person is "in tune" with the conversation so to speak, a shared thing that i think a lot of people here are yearning for. You do look into their soul a little bit, it's hard to lie while making eye contact for most people, for example.

It physically hurts for me. I can never understand why NTs place so much emphasis on eye contact.

I'm in my late 40's and I'm still not big on eye contact. I often find it very rude from my own standpoint.

When talking to people I usually find myself looking at their mouths, which makes more sense to me - they're talking, not communicating with me using lasers out of their eyeballs...

I disagree with the recommendation to not give you toddler something unless he makes eye contact with you - that's just plain mean. (Who's the <<fill in the blank>> who told you that?) When it comes to making eye contact, accept him for who he is. He will make eye contact when he's comfortable and wants to.

Love him - and your son will do just fine.

I think its a good skill to teach and never too young. But I would approach it in some fashion that is reward driven (positive reinforcement) and not negative. In other words I wouldn't withhold normal things like toys, meals or affection, as those build trust and intimacy. But you might give him something special in reward for eye contact. Perhaps a game you can invent or find in an internet search. If he starts to show or you suspect problems with facial recognition, the same approach might work. Make a game of you making different faces and him getting rewarded (things or praise) when he correctly identifies it. ASD people can learn, though the learning curve varies dramatically from individual to individual.

I don't have a need to look in eyes to be reassured that the other person is "in tune".
Eye contact doesn't tell me anything like that.
When I am in a conversation, usually with my family, I forget to make eye contact, I don't even think about it or consider it.
When I accidently make eye contact with someone, I get a flight response and automatically look away.

to me it is like an invisible force repelling me, I can make eye contact and wouldn't say it hurts but takes actual effort to sustain, any lapse and my eyes will snap to one side.

I think that autistics are deeply in touch with what you would call instinct, or intuitive information from their subconscious.

The instinctual connections for prolonged eye contact is based in what is described by behavioral biologists as either aggressive confrontation, or the copulatory stare.
The bottom line is that all of the interpretations are aggressive.

These situations produce a very real feeling of discomfort.

What NTs use eye contact for is for completely conceptual functions, and revolves mostly around deception, or lying as was mentioned earlier.

NTs often view someone's unwillingness to make or keep eye contact as submission, which is often taken advantage of.

An autistic who does not intend to aggressively dominate you or invite you to copulate may instinctively choose to not make very much eye contact.
Of course there are exceptions to this situation, and I think most exceptions are heavily based on the overall aggression level that is felt from a given environment by the autisitic in question.

It was the DI from early intervention, and another parent of an ASD child said the same thing. I have been very conflicted as the experts keep pushing ABA, and I don't like what I've read about it. Today we met with a DIR/floortime therapist, and her views were right in line with my gut feelings on how to approach my son. It was reassuring to finally talk to someone who didn't see my son as a list of deficits.

Thank you for your final comment, that is how I feel as well.

What are DI, DIR, and ABA?

I only know ABA as the American Bicycle Association but somehow I doubt that is whom you are talking about.

This is how I understand each of these- not an official definition.

DI= Developmental Instructor- someone they send out from Early Intervention to work with children under age 3 that have developmental delays (not just ASD children).

ABA= Applied Behavioral Analysis- a rewards-based intensive and rigid therapy program for kids on the autism spectrum designed to teach them certain behaviors and skills and eradicate other behaviors

DIR/floortime= a therapeutic approach to kids on the spectrum that emphasizes meeting them where they are at, entering their world and becoming a part of it, then trying to expand it to help them claim communication and other skills for themselves in their own way. DIR/floortime emphasizes each child's individual strengths rather than focussing on what they are not doing as compared with NT peers.