Need some support

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OK I don't know where to start with this. I just need some support of some kind. I don't even know how anyone can offer anything that might help me.

In March I was suicidal. I went to a multistorey carpark with a knife to cut my wrists in case I couldn't jump. I couldn't jump and as I started to cut my wrist a security guard found me. After he talked to me for a bit I agreed to go downstairs with him to the security office to get first aid for my wrist because there was no way I felt I could continue with an audience. The woman who did the first aid called the paramedics (because my wrist was bleeding quite badly) and the police (because I had a knife).

The paramedics looked at my wrist and bandaged it but I refused to go to hospital with them. The police asked for my knife so I gave it to them, and then they took me to the psychiatric hospital for emergency assessment. The psychiatrist who assessed me said I was OK but the police disagreed so they arrested me for breach of the peace so they could take me to the police station for my own safety (which was a smart move because I planned to try again as soon as I didn't have an audience). I spent 30 hours in custody on suicide watch and had to go to court the next day. By which time I found out the charge had morphed into possession of a knife in a public place without reasonable excuse.

Basically the court sent me to psychiatric hospital for further evaluation and I spent 7 weeks as an inpatient being assessed, getting stabilised on medication and having therapy (which I continue as an outpatient now). The court had wanted me on a secure ward and assessed by forensic psychiatrists but my own psychiatrist argued strongly against this on the grounds that the unfamiliarity of everything would make me worse (I had previously spent time on the ward to which I was admitted and was familiar with the routine, staff and surroundings).

Fast forward to today. Everyone (psychiatrist, police officers who arrested me, therapists, solicitor) told me that they did not believe this incident would ever reach trial because it was clear I was very unwell at the time, and once the public prosecutor had the evidence of this they would drop the case. But the public prosecutor has decided otherwise and I was advised two weeks ago of my trial date.

I don't know what they are hoping to achieve with this. I know I had a knife and I shouldn't have done and that that was wrong. But I had no intention of hurting anyone other than myself and didn't threaten anyone and was completely compliant once security got involved. All I can think of is that they either want to make an example of me for having the knife, or they think that by coming down hard on me that it'll put me off doing something similar in future. But if anything it is making it more likely that I will.

There have been several intermediate hearings which I did not have to attend in person because of my difficulties, but obviously now it's reached this stage I have to go. I just don't know what to do. I am utterly terrified of just going to court, let alone what the outcome of the trial will be. My solicitor has tried to talk me through the process from when I go in the front door of the building but it hasn't made any difference.

I took a large overdose of paracetamol the day I found out the trial date. It was impulsive and stupid because liver failure is not a good way to die so eventually I got myself to hospital and got treated. Since then I haven't really been sleeping. When I do sleep, for a few minutes here and there, I have horrible dreams where I am sure I'm awake and even when I wake up I think the dream was real and have a real sense of terror. I feel constantly sick to the point where I can't take my medications because the thought of taking pills makes me retch. Worse yet, I have found myself going back to that car park (and others) to consider jumping. I wasn't suicidal but as time goes on I find my thoughts rapidly heading back in that direction.

Crap. Just realised I posted this in General Autism Discussion instead of The Haven. If a moderator can move it, I'd be most grateful.

i have a DUI for taking my bedtime meds and driving. court was unpleasant, but not horrible. do you know what the potential penalty is? please stop thinking of killing yourself over this temporary setback.

agreed,it IS a temperary setback in life,not a permenent one,will be able to look at it without feeling bad in time.

if are not on them,it might be worth asking the doctor for lorazepam/diazepam/temazepam to cope with the circumstances up till the court date,any doctor woud see that as a better alternative to having their patient kill themselves because they were unable to cope.
if are in the UK [as it looks like to KoR] then have a look into getting an advocate from a charity such as MIND or rethink, some links with advocacy services available [not all will be for out patient/community based users];
http://www.mind.org.uk/information-supp ... -_RnWdzvWU
http://www.rethink.org/services-groups/ ... lse&page=1

and if are feeling suicidal please have a read of this first;
http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

there is another member on here [steel maiden] who has often publicaly posted of her circustances with severe mental health impacting on her behavior and she ended up arrested and under a criminal record for it,despite the fact she was severely mentaly ill at the time.
am really surprised this still goes on,someone who is severely mentaly ill will not have the mental capacity to understand the consequences that happen from their behavior.

This is horrible what the prosecutor is doing to you. I'm not a law expert but I think that the charge against you might be dropped because they might assume that you were not of sound mind. I also don't understand what they are trying to achieve with this. If you don't mind me asking, what state or country do you live in? Based on what I've heard, suicide is not a crime in the US. I have also never heard that it is illegal to possess a knife in a public place.

Sweet Pea hugs

^^^This! Definitely.

Thank for the input and support. I love those sweet pea hugs that fly out of the screen at you.

For those that asked, I am in Scotland. Outcome in court, if found guilty of having the knife without reasonable excuse, can be a fine of up to £5000 or a prison term of up to 6 months or both. My solicitor says if I am found guilty she'll try to get me an absolute discharge due to the state of my mental health at the time of the incident and my character. But then she was pretty sure it wouldn't get as far as trial in the first place, so I'm not holding out much hope of a discharge...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this yellowbanana (((hug))) I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I hope you have family who can support you through this tough time xx

Hi again YellowBanana. I've been worried about you all night. I know everyone thought that your case wouldn't go to trial, but I'm sure that at trial the judge will consider that fact that you were struggling with mental health issues. I'm really having trouble believing that they would penalize you for something like this, especially if you have a diagnosed condition.
Also, please get the idea of killing yourself out of your head. You're only 38 years old, right? This is no time for you to die. Besides, if you try to overdose on medications you can die from liver failure and, like you said, it would be a bad way to go. And if you try to kill yourself by jumping there is a good chance you will survive and like, be paralyzed for the rest of your life. That would be horrible. Just try to get some sleep and please, let us know how you are doing if you have the time.

I am 41 now - was diagnosed with ASD at 38.

The problem is that my thoughts move towards killing myself when I am stressed, and although I try not to follow through, things like taking an overdose or going to car park roofs happen impulsively. Fortunately given how sick I'm feeling the likelihood of another overdose is extremely slim. I can't even take my regular meds which probably isn't helping my condition.

Managed an hour or so sleep during the day today. Wondering if I'll get any sleep tonight or if it's going to be another sleepless night.

I'm glad you got some sleep during the day. I understand it can be hard to fall asleep when you are stressed. Have you ever tried taking melatonin as a sleep aide? I use it sometimes and it helps me calm down and fall asleep. It is drug-free so it shouldn't cause any problems.