Problems with non verbal communication

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I've read about Aspies not being able to interpret body language / facial expression well, etc.

I also have a problem with less subtle non verbal communication. When I was working and my boss signalled to put a call through to him I struggled to understand him and had get up off my chair and go ask him what he meant which he didn't like. I have difficulties when driving too if a driver is trying to indicate something to me I'm not sure what they mean. Is that something anyone else has a problem with.

Thanks.

It is possible for aspies to read body language and social cues, but only if you are giving it your "full attention" all the time. Unfortunately doing so is not practical and could result in a massive sensory overload, exhaustion and result in you giving off bad body language yourself (What the NT person see of you.). things just end up going out of balance.

Also it has to be learned cognitively rather than intuitively. That means somebody needs to explain it to us, or we need to find a book to read or a website that will explain it at all levels starting with the basics.

I can read basic categories of facial expression (I do know a smile from a frown, for example). I am not good at pinpointing exactly what level of or I see on people's faces or why they are feeling what they look to me like they're feeling.

Because I can't read it unless it's blatant, my own facial expressions and gestures are often grossly exaggerated.

And then I get told I'm out of control and childish and freaky and weird, and I'm upsetting everyone because I'm not all all the time.

fleeced, I don't always get gestures either--even broad ones where nt's use their whole arms or both arms. The instance of this phenomenon that has caused the most trouble in my life is in church with my husband. He makes these gestures, like an usher at a wedding or a hostess at a sit-down restaurant. They are supposed to tell me where he want me to walk or stand or sit or when to go through a door or down a hall or up the aisle to a particular pew. He thinks I don't do what his body language tells me to do because I don't respect him. When I don't respond to the subtler gestures he'll grab my arm or give me a gently push with his hand on my shoulder or elbow. I don't like it. It makes me feel that I'm being pushed ahead, like in a movie where everybody knows there is danger ahead and someone pushes a weaker person out front so s/he will be hurt first. I know, cognitively, that it is not what he is doing or what he means. The way he was raised, that is the polite and gentlemanly thing to do for the woman you're proud to call your wife. He doesn't understand my social anxiety of do not want to be the first person through the door. We've had huge blowout fights about this. I feel unloved because I feel pushed around and misunderstood. He feels disrespected because I don't read his cues to do what he wants.

I don't know if I'd have understood the gestures you got from your boss or from other drivers, either. But I've gotten pretty good at putting a confused expression on my face. Sometimes that works. Sometimes it makes NT's angry because either they read confusion and think it's a no-brainer and they have no patience with stupid people (their phrase for Aspies who see the world differently) or they read stubborn defiance on my face instead of confusion.

LyraLuthTinu it's a shame your husband doesn't understand that must be really tough.

I don't go to church anymore but seem to remember not understanding what I was supposed to do either.

I only understand generic facial expressions myself. This leads to misunderstandings. The way I could determine how someone is feeling is if I ask questions. Sometimes, when a person is upset at something, questions aren't welcome.

I don't think I could read a book on facial expressions, then translate it into real life.

I could, say, see a humerus bone in a book--but I have trouble determining which is the humerus bone in person.

I'm working on him--trying to learn more about how he needs me to relate and to act, and bringing home reading material so he'll understand the differences between his brain and my brain. That it's more than just a gender thing, or an age gap, or that he was raised in the deep south of the USA where they pound manners into children's heads while I'm from the looser, more liberal Left Coast (but not personally a liberal leftist. We're both Christian Conservatives, politically).

It's major differences in the way our brains are wired to perceive fellow human beings. I think he sees them all as horses and dogs and sheep and goats--domesticated social animals that you can make friends with. I see them all as wolves and panthers--predators that can hurt you. Some who hunt in packs and some who hunt alone, but all out to take advantage of you, take what they want and leave you bleeding. People scare me.

I love church--I feel wrong when I miss it. But sometimes being there doesn't help when I'm afraid I'm doing something that embarrasses my husband without even realizing it. I remember an evening service that I was enjoying immensely, I thought the speaker was wonderful and engaging and inspiring--but I was suffering under a sleep deficit and yawning frequently. My husband scolded me all the way home because to a neurotypical, the yawning is a rude indicator that the speaker is boring! It was an involuntary reaction to being tired and had nothing to do with the way I felt about the excellent speaker. But it was sending messages to the NT's that I didn't intend and didn't match up with my true feels.

kraftiekortie you're speaking my language with the anatomy talk--I grabbed my daughter by the humerus today and she said it hurt. I didn't mean to hurt her, just to re-direct her attention and her direction.

I also understand the basics of facial expression. I think we all do, otherwise we couldn't use the emoticons. But the "why" of upset and unhappy people, and needing to ask questions to understand it--I agree. They won't explain when they're upset, because they don't want to talk about it.

But they won't talk about it when they're not upset, either! I don't know why--maybe they just don't want to think about it, or they can't even remember that long. I remember, though; sometimes it keeps me awake at night, or I agonize over it for a week because I'm trying to figure out what happened. Or I'm trying to make up a rule that will keep it from happening again.

"Don't yawn at church" is a pretty easy rule. But the guiding and ushering thing--not so much. He isn't consistent with it. I'll watch his face, hands and arms--but I can only tell what he wants if it's obvious. Obvious would be things like looking at me while he's holding a door open--he wants me to go through it. Or holding out his hand toward me--he wants me to take his hand and hold it as we walk (he gets impatient if I'm fumbling with objects in my purse, though, and I don't take it right away). Or stretching out an arm with his hand spread, palm toward me--he wants me to go the way his arm is stretched.

I watched him last night, and he didn't do any of those things. So I don't know for sure if he just didn't want to even try to guide me, or if he did it more subtly and I failed to pick up on it.

Not long ago he was upset with me for missing the nvbls and made up an insult about not being able to tell a from a and I'm still not sure if he was just angry and being hurtful, or if he really thinks I'm that bad at reading faces, or if he was just exaggerating to make a point.

Yes, fleeced, it can be really tough. I hope we figure it out, though. I really love him and I want to make our relationship work as best it can.