Being assertive or being a jerk?

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I have been struggling with the need to be more assertive in my life, and when I try I often feel like I am being a jerk, sometimes people say I'm being rude.

It seems if I try to be politely assertive, I don't get what I want, and if I get what I want I come across as rude, or at least I think I am. This quandary has led me to defer to others, just go along with whatever is happening, and at worst being railroaded and manipulated.

Any one have any experience with ways to be assertive without being rude?

Not sure how much this will help but here's a few things that help me.

1. Always keep an eye on what the other person wants. This is a huge thing if you don't want to sound like a jerk. If you keep in mind what the opposite party wants, they will respect the fact that you have their interests in mind. It shows that you're not selfish and that you're also willing for some compromise.
2. Stand up for yourself, but be polite. People tend to side with those who do not lose their cool, who are rude or treat their opposition poorly. However, if you are polite, then they are more likely to help. This also means AVOID passive-aggressiveness - even though it may seem like it's okay because it's "polite", it's not, and passive aggressiveness is just as angering as direct aggression.
3. Prove your worth. People are much more willing to accommodate for issues from people who put their work back into the system than those who do little to contribute.
4. It's important to remember that despite your best efforts some things are set in stone. Hold off for a while and try reaching a more modest proposal (hopefully doesn't involve eating babies).

Not saying that you violated any, but that's what I do. It helps, but 4 is important, because sometimes you just can't win.

Start small and scale up. You might want to try a low-risk situation like asking a waiter to replace an over-cooked steak or fix some other mistake the kitchen made. Just be polite and kindly ask for what you want.

Then move on to friends and family members. If someone says something that offended you or upsets you, let them know that they have upset you and what they did to upset you. Don't accuse. Don't instigate a fight. Don't cause "drama". Just state how that person's actions make you feel. Then ask them to apologize and task them to take steps to remedy the issue.

Always remember that your boundaries, self-worth, and self-respect are important and you have the right to protect them. At the same time other people's boundaries, self-worth, and self-respect are important too and you should be mindful of respecting the other person's feelings and space. When trying to assert yourself, try to think win-win and invite the other party to invent solutions that are agreeable for both of you. Always take the high road and you'll respect yourself more and other people will respect you as well. Be polite and cordial even if one of you can't reach an agreement. The agreement in the end may be just to disagree.

Thanks, those are good tips.

Negotiations are tough for me, so I have generally kept my involvement with others to a minimum. But as you get older you just have to be more involved,

I used to be able to "keep my cool" quite a lot better and that definitely helps, but my impatience and frustration levels grow if my anxiety is high. Working with my therapist and psychiatrist on my anxiety has been showing signs of improvement.

I wish I knew. This is one of the main reasons I'm looking for a speech therapist.

Assertive is a combo of
-knowing what outcome you want
-others believing they have the power to help with that outcome
-excellent diplomacy
-excellent self-advocacy
-nerves of iron
-belief that the outcome is fully appropriate
-persistence
-process flexibility
-creative objection resolution
-lack of self-doubt
maybe some other NT specialties.

This stuff is hard as hell for ASD peeps. =(

That is a good list 1401b.

Add to that the presentation and tone of voice mentioned by dianthus.

I'm usually soft spoken, but when I get agitated or am anxious/stressed by a situation my speaking gets tighter, I stammer, and sometimes get louder. It's a change from my normal way of being, and I suppose others sense that change and might think somethings up.

One important thing to note here is that being assertive is not only about the act itself, but also conveying other people you are assertive and confident. If people see you as a 'vulnerable' type and you act assertive, they will think you are just being rude to them. This is one of those bizarre situational things that can be really confusing.

An example being if the kid who is always the good boy/girl in class speaks up against the teacher, the teacher will almost always become agitated as the behaviour did not conform to his expectation. The teacher will be much quicker to punish such an action as it deviated more from the expected norm. While when a regular Joe in class would have said the same thing, the teacher would have more likely accepted it and returned the same assertive behaviour in response. This behaviour was expected, and the teacher does not feel the need to punish since the behaviour that was received was roughly in line with the expected behaviour.

qfox, your point about expectations is important, and that is the part I don't get during an encounter where I am trying to be assertive. I have no idea what other peoples expectations are, and unless they tell me straight up, I'm not much good at teasing it out of them. Then I just beat around the bush and hope I get half of what I expect.

But if someone comes out and declares their expectations, in other words is assertive, I often just go along with it. I know social anxiety plays a big part of my lack of assertiveness.