Being surpassed

Post Reply New Topic

lately i am noticing how my younger siblings seem to be passing me up. it is a bit strange since i am the oldest (one is 7 years younger than me!) and yet, it is like they are growing up while i am staying a child. there seems to be a growing difference in so many things: the way i talk compared to them, the social....stuff, etc, etc. sometimes i notice it, and it is very strange. am i just 'immature'? it makes me feel like a huge idiot. when i was younger and in school, adults used to always praise how 'mature' i was, but i suspect this was because i did not get involved in drama and basically never talked. i've always felt behind people my age, but now that it is my younger siblings that i'm falling behind, it's even more surreal.

will it always be like this? in some aspects i am still more mature than them, but not in many areas anymore. do they notice this too? i dont think i'm regressing, but rather my progress has slowed down to almost a stop. is this normal?

This basically happened to me too. I don't have younger siblings, but I did notice it in terms of my classmates by the time I got to high school.

At the age of 35, I now feel like I'm in an odd "middle ground", where I can appear to be the right level of "maturity" if I have to, but inwardly I still feel like a teenager most days. Those I am closest to do recognize that I am often emotionally about 10 years younger (if not more so) than my chronological age.

Although, much of what passes for "normal" and "mature" in my age group or younger makes me glad that I'm NOT like that.

Don't worry. That maturity "shift" comes with the AS territory. It's far more important to be comfortable with your own level of functioning, regardless of what society says you "should" be doing/feeling/acting. Too many so-called "milestones" at every stage of life...exactly who decided what these were, and why they "have to" apply to EVERYONE? Seems a bit presumptuous, if you ask me.

This is a very typical well documented Aspie phenomenon. It happened to me too. But what I have found over time is that this "eternal child" thing, even though it may be challenging at times is really a very beautiful thing and I would not trade it for the world. I hope you will be able see how wonderful it is and to be able to cherish it as I have.

I was diagnosed as an adult. I didn't have younger siblings either, and like you, came across as more mature than my classmates largely because I was quiet and serious about things that interested me. I didn't engage in goofing around like a lot of my peers, didn't get into typical teen trouble like my older siblings and appeared studious by comparison.

This persona followed me well into my 30's. I married when I was 25, pretty much to get that settled, so I wouldn't have to date anymore. We split after 5 years. That was when I started to notice that I was being left behind in most "adult" things. Other people were getting into good relationships, getting better jobs, having kids, moving to new places.

I kind of shrugged that off thinking that those things would come in time.

Now I find that I've been doing the same work for 15 years and not really moving up. Ii work with a lot of people who are 10-20 years younger than I who have more education than I do, are buying houses, getting married and having families, and generally moving on with their lives.

I have yet to find the "eternal child" thing to be very attractive, in fact it is a big point of contention between my SO and I. She also thought that I was more together and bound for success than I have proven capable. With her encouragement I tried hard to play catch-up. The stress of doing that caused my anxiety to soar and pretty much wipe out any gains I may have made, as well as drive my self esteem into the dirt.

Don't mean to scare you with my tale of woe, but it is cautionary. Know yourself and what you are capable of and comfortable with; don't aim too high, or do so in an area that you have a real aptitude for and get great joy out of, then maybe the eternal child will really shine.

Last edited by grbiker on 30 Oct 2014, 12:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

It should be noted that "child-like" and "childish" are two different things. It's possible to have "child-like" qualities about you and still be mature, where as being "childish" means that you're being immature.

I found that what has really helped me is exactly what grbiker said about knowing yourself. Knowing my child side and accepting and even embracing its limitations has enabled me to start to learn what I can and can't do from that perspective and I have learned to respect my limitations. I don't let them bring me down but I do respect them. And I am as honest about this part of me with people as I can be. I don't just announce it to the world, but the people who are close to me know about it and understand how it works. It has caused a lot of stress in my marriage and has cost me friends and even jobs but I am learning how to work with it. I have, after 26 years of failed jobs, and nearly a half century of life finally found a career choice that can work for me and that having this child side really helps in that particular path. My husband, as difficult as life can be for him as the husband of a person like me, is super supportive and super patient. I am really blessed to have him.

It is definitely a huge help in life to have people close to you who try to understand your intricacies and who do their best to support you and work with you. But it is not easy. It is never easy. But understanding this part of my personality and honoring it and respecting it and giving it a place to exist and thrive has helped keep me more balanced and stable. And even though the challenges are great, it's who I am, I love it.

The beautiful and endearing parts of that personality are nothing short of magical and I have learned to be really thankful for that. The unique perspective from which I can see and enjoy certain things or the purity in relationships and childlike love that I can give and receive is priceless. There are certainly times that are so difficult that I seriously don't know how I manage to get through them but the beautiful parts make it worth it.

But you really do need to know yourself and like grbiker said, you can't place expectations on yourself that you can't handle. You have to respect who you are. I think once you can do that and then once you can help others respect you and your limitations, you will be able to start to see the wonderful parts of the child. People tell me often that this child part is amazing and they wish they could be like that too. Despite the great challenges that come with it that we just have to learn how to handle, and great challenges come no matter what your life is, Aspie or not, I consider my child side one of the greatest gifts that has ever been given to me.

For me I can be either or or even both at the same time depending on the circumstance or situation.

My sister has surpassed me on stuff like cooking. I've been procrastinating on learning to drive, but I recently started learning to drive. Now I know that she at least won't surpass me on learning to drive.

my younger sister surpassed me socially in grade school. she outswam me (passed to a level I wasn't ready for) also in grade school. I did the things that most adolescents do (alcohol, drugs, sex, rock and roll) when I was aged 27-30.

Hey DK, that is great that you are learning to drive. Good luck. Let us know how you do.

It's going good so far. I passed the knowledge test on the first try and I'm currently going to driving school. So far I've driven on some residential roads.

Skibum raises some good points, and I'd like to add some encouraging words in contrast to my earlier post.

Knowing yourself and your limitations doesn't mean you shouldn't try new things, or stretch your boundaries. I've tried many different things in my life, approached them with childlike enthusiasm and my own unique perspective. I learned a lot, met interesting people and had a lot of fun. Some things just ran their course, and some things I continue to enjoy and explore.

Overall, those experiences have enriched my life, even if I wasn't able to take them as far as others have. Comparing yourself to others is not the best path to tread.

You don't know where your boundaries are unless you do some adventurous exploration around the edges.

Wow, that is great. I'm excited for you!

Absolutely yes to this!

This happened to me too. Around the age of about 10-12, I started being more interested in playing with my eight/nine-year-old sister than the one who was only a year younger than me, the way I used to. Now I'm 21 and she's 17, and she's a lot more socially mature than me. She has a large number of friends, is in the high school marching band, drives, and has a job. At 16, she took the same first job I had at 18, and within nine months I'd been fired, but she had been promoted twice. She got her license two weeks after I got mine last February; never had any hesitation about driving. My mom even said the reason she scheduled my sister's test after mine was so I wouldn't feel shown up by a sixteen-year-old who was doing something I wasn't at 21. Sometimes it's irritating, but I also appreciate the fact that my family accept me in my social and emotional immaturity and allow me to be the kid I still am at heart.

Is it just your interests, the way you talk, and how well you do socially? There are many mature people who aren't "mature" when it comes to those. As for interests and the way you talk, you can define "mature" for yourself.

I'm old enough now to have seen plenty of "well this is mature" and "well that is mature", and by now I'm cynical of a lot of these opinions. All it means is that you fit someone's definition of the right kind of person. Generally once folks get a little older their ideas of maturity become less superficial, and then their definition of maturity starts to look more like this:

Loyalty to your friends and family. The ability to tolerate something for another person's sake. Working hard for the people who depend on you. Being conscientious and respectful towards your elders and authority figures. Trust me on that last one, once you've had enough headaches you just choose happiness and quit courting trouble. Learning to pick your battles. Choosing to be confident. Exercising restraint and discretion when making life decisions. But most of all you don't brag about it, don't emphasize that you have it, and you don't talk about it very much, only noting it and mentioning it to your peers on rare occasions, likely without telling that person whom you've observed.

At least that is how the older people in my culture think of it. People should personally aspire towards it but they shouldn't play the comparison game or think about it too much. There is nothing wrong or inferior about you and if it makes you feel any better as far as I can tell you're probably more mature, by my definition, than your siblings. You've experienced more of life and I'm guessing you've also shouldered more responsibilities.

A great example I can think of is my paternal grandfather, MacArthur Seiss. The man wasn't a social butterfly and he didn't have sophisticated interests of any kind. And no one faulted him because he would rather watch cartoons with the kids when we brought them over. But what made him really mature was his love for his family, the fact that he was the first one in line, always, to support everyone emotionally or financially. The fact that he tolerated all kinds of behavior I know he didn't approve of. And he taught me the hard edges of being a mature man when he took me out trapping with him (he was a trapper for a living who would tan and sell hides). A very simple, one could say even childlike person, because of how much he held in common with the kids in the family. Mind you I credit that "childlike" personality towards his maturity.