Weariness of being 'high functioning'

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I was only recently diagnosed was ASD (Aspergers) aged 21 and I'm learning a lot about my behaviour. But one thing that I noticed today- when I am tired or ill I always act, what I had termed in my head, 'childish'. I avoid talking, I like to surround myself with soft things and enjoy simple stories kind of aimed at children.

Weirdly enough, after watching Alphas (in which Gary Bell is visibly autistic) I recognised some of those behaviours in myself, especially when I'm alone and not feeling 100%. And I got hit with a sudden wish I could just act how I wanted all the time, but then remembered I couldn't do my job/a coming interview/my course if I did. Because I am not visibly different, I feel the need to appear as NT in behaviour as possible so as not to seem rude/unfit (although sometimes I wish I could just wear a disclaimer so everyone knew). And I've realised how exhausting that can be.

Because I am 'high functioning' and can the majority of the time pass as completely NT if a bit odd, I've noticed I've begun experiencing spells of anxiety where I just wish I was around people where I could act kind of like Gary does, obviously different but okay with it. I feel silly/childish when I catch myself in public hiding in my hood and getting distracted by simple sounds or things that make me laugh or talking my thoughts too much. I have a suspicion this is because I'm still adjusting to the idea that no I wasn't necessarily being bad/lazy most of the time I thought I was when I struggled in the past, but also that it's not something that I will fully magically 'get over' with will power.

I keep getting this wish that I could restart and make household routines the norm for everyone because I am rubbish at getting stuff done without one, and I always feel better with one. Where I felt I was more free, at least in some places, to just act as weird as I want.

I don't think, until now, I had quite realised how much I do 'cover' in my life. (This may have something to do with the fact I've helped look after my brother who has SLD a lot of my life and had to 'grow up fast'.) I have strict ideas about 'polite' behaviour in certain situations and it can be exhausting but I have to keep reminding myself I cannot retreat, I must stay engaged. Like I have to constantly be on my best to reach 'normal' standards.

Eventually I'm sure I shall adapt to relaxing my behaviour in certain spaces/situations and being more okay with it. But right now, I think it is what is causing spikes in anxiety of a frequency I haven't had for a while. Does anyone else have this problem or feel like this? How do you manage it?

NTs are special snowflakes. Any behaviour outside of what is socially acceptable is a bit scary for them. They don't like anomalies.
The trick is to introduce your behaviours gradually. Make a commentary of your behaviours as you do them and try to explain why e.g. "Swinging on this chair is so relaxing. I could do it all day!" "I'm talking to myself again. Oh well, at least I get sensible answers when I talk to myself." "I made a mistake so I'll have to start again - because that's my policy!" "I like to turn around three times after I get out of bed because, hey, you never know what might happen if you don't."
It's worked for me. I've even heard someone explain my behaviour to someone else - "Oh, don't move that chair in the corner. That's Raleigh's rocking chair."

Thing is that our functioning varies. We are often "high functioning" in areas society expects to be low functioning and "low functioning" in areas society expects expects to be high functioning which often leads to accusations of flawed character.

I was diagnosed with Asperger's. When I am feeling well enough I can "fake" being normal. I still have trouble with eye contact, though. But I don't mind small talk or anything- but I like talk about music or something rather than "the weather". I like to ask random questions of people as well. But I learned this is not considered standard behavior. But when I'm tired or just not "on", I slip and regress as well. I like to watch Disney Channel shows. I enjoy clapping my hands and swirling around or sometimes I speak quietly to myself. Also sounds and noise bother me more. I have trouble focusing.

I identify with a lot of what you said.

I get worn out and stressed out by the whole process.

And there are days I would like to walk around with an oversized stuffed animal. I have a meeting today I am nervous about, if I could have a huge stuffed animal with me it would help. Of course that would probably not be too good for my career.

I think most people only care whether or not you can do a thing, not how much it cost you. For example does something cause high stress and/or leave you very worn out.

And once you have demonstrated that you can do a thing, you cannot take that back. If you tell people you cannot do something, they will point out that you did it before. Some days I am up to something and sometimes I am not. and sometimes I might be technically up to it, but I do not really want to pay the cost.

Sometimes I would feel like I am close to a breakdown. Now I realize the danger is probably "just" a meltdown, not a nervous breakdown. This is actually a big relief, because meltdowns can generally be recovered from in a few hours.

Being high functioning and pretending to be NT have a lot of overlap, but they are not always the same. For example, say I sway back and forth while reviewing a report. I am not pretending to be NT, but I am still able to do my job competently (high function).

I have been experimenting with moving around more at work (stimming) while I am working or while I am on break. I have a little issue with the criteria that it only counts as stimming (for diagnostic purposes) if it interferes with you life. I can do other things while I am stimming. In theory, I could stim the whole day at work and still get all my work done.
Saying things like: "I like to move around." and "I am fidgety." and "I get stiff if I just sit still all day." seems to be reasonably acceptable.
My all time favorite is "this is really helps my back feel better." Two of the people who sit near me at work have back problems, so this works really well.