AS possible female

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I'm not asking for judgment, but I'm asking for insight if possible.

I met a very shy/introverted girl almost 3 months ago. I thought she was cute/pretty, but didn't talk a lot. I'm also very intuitive and can read people well. My brother is autistic, I've gotten used to reading subtle clues in people and small expressions in body language. However, she was a mystery to me. We talked and got to know each other a bit. I ended up asking her on a date. We ended up going on a date and talking for almost 4 hours. We ended up going on a second date a week later. She's not very expressive, but I noticed her fidgeting with her wine glass while we were watching a movie after dinner. I decided to kiss her cheek to show affection without being sexual. Her response was kissing me for 40 minutes. However, it seems like she had some kind of sensory overload and abruptly said "I should go." I asked her if she was ok and she said she was fine, but didn't talk much and left.

Pretty much every time we'd kiss or do something physically, something like this would happen, where she'd abruptly leave. I was never forceful and always told her that we could go at her pace. I didn't think much of it until looking back on everything later.

We are both 24. I finally asked her after 5 dates if she was a virgin and she said she was. Apparently she also hasn't been in any serious relationships, just casually dated people for a few months. She also hasn't dated anyone in two years.

I thought things were going well, but she ended up ending things. She's terrified of commitment. I presume because her parents fought a lot, yet are still married. She still lives at home and is a "buffer" between them. It's strange because she talks about wanting kids, a family, and where she wants to live, yet commitment scares her.

After we went too far physically and I found out she was a virgin... she started being slightly less physical with me. The kisses weren't as deep. We had also talked about commitment, which she admits scares her. I was ok with not being bf/gf, but knowing that we aren't seeing other people.

She finally told me that we weren't on the same page. That I was thinking longer term than her, whereas she was taking things one week at a time. She said she's stressed about wanting to figure out her life/career and that I'm not a priority right now.

She still drove about an hour to see me to talk about things in person. She also still kissed me when she saw me. She told me that she didn't want to keep going on dates with me, but wanted me in her life still. She said she didn't want to keep going on dates and then still be unsure in the future. She told me that she's always "been on the fence" about everything and still wasn't sure. (She has extreme indecision and anxiety) She overthinks things and seems disconnected from her emotions. It's odd because she seems very calm on the outside. She also said that it was a red flag to her that she wasn't more ready to commit after 7 dates.

I told her how special our relationship was, that we had similar values, interests, and got along well. I told her that she's rare and she isn't a person that I'd want to just throw away. She visually seemed upset during the breakup and told me "it bothers me that you don't think that i care about you. i care about you. i like you. i'm not writing you off" She seemed overall..... confused and unsure. It was as if she was pushing me away out of fear and her own insecurities. We genuinely had nothing wrong in our relationship.

My friend is a psychologist and mentioned the fact that she didn't seem to understand my emotions. A lack of empathy of sorts. My friend... let's call her "E" also has a brother with aspergers and works with people with aspergers in her free time. She told me not to get upset, but that she might have it and told me similarities between her brother and my ex.

Things that I've noticed while reflecting:
1) Extreme oversensitivity
2) Fear runs her life, everything is based on fear and thought
3) Over thinks everything, thought and a disconnect from emotions
4) She doesn't use her phone a lot, no social media. She leaves her phone in her purse and takes 3-4 hours to respond.
5) Genuinely needs to be alone a lot. We would see each other once a week and not really text during the week.
6) She recognizes that she's "weird" and when I said she's different. She said "I know, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing"
7) I noticed she has limited facial expression. Sometimes she'll just sit there and I won't be able to tell if she's happy, sad, etc.
She doesn't move around a lot, not that she's rigid, but has a very childlike body language.
9) I've noticed her swaying her feet and hand fidgeting as the only movements she does.
10) I genuinely am not sure that I've heard her laugh. If she did, it was very subtle and quiet.
11) She gave me strange answers to some questions that I had. I asked her what her favorite date or time spent with me was and she said "Our first date, we got to talk a lot and I found out we had a lot of similar interests". I asked how she felt after that date and she said "good, but unsure" I asked how she felt after we kissed on the second date... "good, but unsure"

I'm not trying to diagnose her, but it makes sense... I'm probably not going to bring it up to her. She might know and just not want to talk about it. I highly doubt she would have told me. Her biggest fear is people not being genuine with her... it seems like she can't read people well and takes things very verbally.

Regardless, I still think she's a beautiful person and I want to be with her. I just want more insight on how to love her and be there. She said it takes her a really long time to get comfortable with someone and wants someone that understands her. I think she's worth it and I personally know she cares about me. She still kissed me before she left too.

Any insight would be helpful. Please don't be negative, rude, etc. I'm searching for positivity and insight.

I can't diagnose her either but there are certainly autistic traits mentioned.

As for number 9 and the fidgeting read up on Stimming. Autistic or not it is a sign of nervousness or overstimulation. She may in private do a lot of other stims mentioned the article I linked. The body rigidity might be a technique to cover up body movements she does not want you to see.

It is good she knows she is different. Of course I do not know if she knows or suspects autism. And if she does know she is autistic she may not want to disclose quite yet, do the stigmas.

As you probably know, you need go slow. As you are finding out your knowledge of body language might not be as helpful here. Reminders avoid areas with florescent lighting, overly noisy or crowded places, do not force her into multitasking, avoid metaphors or hidden meanings, be direct. The answer she gave on #11 you was not strange nor negative but direct. If the date is for 9:30 be there if possible at 9:30 not late or early.

Fear is a natural reaction to constantly being misunderstood rejected, bullied for being different which unfortunately is a common experience for those that are different.

Thanks for the reply! I don't want to lose her and I care about her a lot. It's just hard to know what to do, and it's very hard to try to see the world from her perspective. The one time where we'd feel incredibly connected is when we kiss. It's like a sense of connection and trust is there and she just gives herself to me. Often times when I'd question if she likes me, we'd kiss and I'd feel everything. Hard to explain. I miss her though. I definitely want her in my life even if it's as friends right now. I'm just unsure how to approach things and what to say. I know she struggles with feeling comfortable and trusting people.

I told her that I wanted to be friends and hang out next weekend and she replied "I do care about you. l and I want you to be happy but to be honest I left your apartment last weekend pretty irritated and frustrated, and it's only been a week. I think I need a little more time"

I'm not sure why she'd be irritated or frustrated.... The only things I can think of are that 1) I told her that her life is run by fear and that fear basically made her end it or 2) She was frustrated that I didn't think that she cares about me.

If I were you, once you two are conversing again, I'd bring up the fact that your brother is autistic, and use it as a gateway to see whether she tells you anything about any diagnosis she might have. If she is autistic, and she knows about it, she may have avoided telling you, and broken off the relationship because she fears you won't understand or will find her weird or unlikable. There's a lot of stigma attached to an autism diagnosis, and it may be part of what's fueling her fear.

Very valid point. She didn't admit to being a virgin, I had to ask, therefore if she knows I doubt she'd tell me. I'm just not sure how to bring it up past that though. She's very quiet at times and might just listen.