If other people weren't around

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I started thinking about how I would behave differently if other people weren't around, and how much of my behaviour is actually ruled by trying to look "normal" for other people. I get very self-conscious and at times, that blocks everything else out, so I'm not really having my own experience of life, so much as being hyper-aware of how others are (or might be) viewing me.
Take walking in the rain / getting wet for example. It was raining recently, and I was initially annoyed at having to run between awnings and getting wet, until I realised that I actually didn't mind getting wet, or walking in the rain. What I disliked was others looking at me, interpreting "wet" with "not ok" and I have to appear ok at all times. Being aware that wet clothing sticks to you and everyone could see all the things I dislike about my body and usually cover up with loose fitting clothing. If no one else was around, I would not have minded walking in the rain at all.
Even being totally absorbed with patting a friendly cat on the path, I couldn't fully enjoy the encounter with an animal because I was aware that people in the cat's house would be eyeing me off, people oncoming would want me to move, that it's "weird" to sit on the path and pat cats, which is exactly what I wanted to do.
How about you all? How is your behaviour and experience of life influenced by others? How would you behave if other people weren't around? Would you prefer it, or not? D you do what you want to do regardless of how weird it looks, or are you conscious of looking normal?

My philosophy is:

If you don't harm anybody with your weirdness, why should people care that you're weird?

I act weird, but I act friendly. I don't harm anybody with my weirdness.

Weirdness with a smile, I call it.

I would give anything for the power of invisibility.

You would have liked some of the old Tom and Jerry cartoons--and other cartoons from that time, too.

Sometimes, the characters would find some kind of "invisibility" formula, and wreak havoc because, now, they were invisible!

On Lord of the Rings Online one of my characters is a Burglar class Hobbit who I can make invisible. And wreak havoc he does haha. And when he's visible, he wears harvest (halloween) festival masks that cover his entire face and head. And he acts just as unruly viable as invisible. My truest alter ego.

I've always wished I could be invisible too. Though the one 'weird' thing I finally decided I didn't care about was petting trees and bushes and flowers, and saying hello to them. (While ignoring people - oops?!) It's my happy thing.

I was trained from an early age to conform in all possible ways - anything else would be an embarassment to our family (according to my folks, siblings, extended relatives, etc). Actually being on the spectrum - any spectrum - was not a permissible option. So, I did my best. I repressed everything. Stims became internalized. Discomfort became internalized. Everything became internalized until there was nothing left but a shell that passed approval. Oh, it wasn't perfect, it wasn't even very good, but it was just barely good enough and deemed far more acceptable than when I was myself.

I grew up, went to school, found a love, got married, got a career...and then we had children of our own. And that first child was just like me in every possible way. Every trained judgment in me said that the proper thing for my child to do was conform. Hide it all away, no matter the cost. I couldn't do it, though. I knew the price they'd pay. Now each time one of those trained judgements rears it's head in my head, I know what to do. I know what will cause harm and what will help my child grow.

And the thing is, now I have to lead by example. And what I've found is there are a lot more of us freaks out there than we were led to believe when we were young. And when a young freak sees me being myself and getting away with it, they'll know there is hope for them, too.

(note: Freak is used intentionally as I was called that and other derogatory terms growing up. Now I *own* it. They can consider me a "freak" all they want because quite frankly, I've lived their life and it sucks.)

I behave quite differently when alone. I behave more as a child would. I sing, and jump around, and act silly. I run instead of walk, and do other things that would be more expected of children.

I don't act differently outside depending on whether people are there or not. When I'm out, I'm simply moving from A to B and that's what I do. I do feel a lot more relaxed though when there are no one around (or with family only). Like OP I usually don't care about rain, and I don't care if people find that weird. It's just as weird to me to act like one is highly allergic to rain. When I'm simply moving from A to B there really isn't anything to downplay or not do. I never feel like singing, dancing or skipping, regardless of who is or isn't there.

Indoors I don't really do a lot of things differently, but like C2V I do avoid replaying parts of videos or DVDs if someone else is listening in, or if they're simply home. The main reason why I replay it these days isn't to hear it again over and over, it's because I so easily get distracted by my own musings and lose track of it. I can easily rewind tens of times to get the entire content of a 20-30 minute show/video.
at home there would be times I would watch more TV than I do if I were on my own (re-watching previously seen movies/ series). But there are also times where I would have the TV on less than it is now.
Either way, I'm relaxed when I'm home, and I just act like myself there.

I wouldn't prefer to live alone; it would be more expensive, more work, I'd have a hard time sleeping at night (I get lots of nightmares and interrupted sleep when I sleep alone at home or hotels (alone as in the only person in the apartment/ hotel room; not sharing bed with anyone) and most importantly, very lonely.
But I definitely prefer for there not to be people around when I'm out and when I can I go out at times when I'm less likely to encounter anyone.

When I was in school I would downplay myself somewhat, how much and how would depend on age and circumstances like mood and crowd. For the most part I was just there without doing anything to draw attention to myself (not avoiding it per se, just not trying to get it, very much like was described in a recent post, I react to life, I'm not proactive. I have never had any NT mask.


I don't think I would want to be invisible. I'd have to be hyper vigilant in order to not be injured and I'm too much into my own world to do that for long. Maybe short term when passing intimidating individuals/groups.

Tony Attwood said Autism can be cured.
You just have to remove other people.