Shared Space

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Roommates ... how do you deal with this?

I'm 45 years old and find myself for the first time, due to financial ineptitude and employment challenges, having to live in a room. My roommate shares her apartment with me, so the bathroom, kitchen and living room are shared spaces. But I find myself hiding in my room. I just cant relax; I feel unable to let my guard down because the social situation is ever present.

So to those of you living in a roommate situation, do you get used to it?

My other half is a contractor and works away from home for months at a time.
This necessitates mon-fri digs which means sharing. He's not a social person.

Despite this, he has gotten used to the notion, bearing in mind he moves on after a few months which means he has to deal with the renewed anxiety of a new place n people n household routine...constantly.

He too, stays in his room. He has his laptop, TV, and a small stash of drinks n snacks and he only leaves his room for stuff like going to work, the bathroom, laundry, or the kitchen at dinnertime etc.
IF he times it badly, he's forced into the social thing. So he's careful to note the comings and goings of the others so he knows when to emerge.
If he has to do the social thing, he makes it brief.

Appreciate in your case this may be a longer term let. You should still be able to get by pretty well, the way my bf does, as long as there wasn't a mention of sociability as a condition of sharing (I've been to view, and rapidly departed, places that landed this on me when I arrived. Pfft)

So long as your housemate understands you're not the talkative type, doesn't expect girly chats or for you to become her new best friend, you should be fine to only engage in the social thing only when you absolutely have to.

I'm not particularly social myself and I've been in plenty of shares where it's not frowned upon if you prefer to be in your room.

You should be fine : ) and yes, you'll get used to it. Takes a bit of adjustment tho, so allow yourself the time to adapt.

I started sharing my room with my cousin who is my age a year or so ago because of a divorce. We have always been deeply close, but I honestly did not like the idea at first. But eventually I got used to it and now I like it. Just took time. If it was anyone else, I don't think I would ever get used to it.

Thanks for sharing the success stories!

It's good to know that staying in one's room is acceptable. I am only engaging in chats when we pass each other. She seems to be a quiet person. (Actually, she seems to have some spectrumite traits.) I think it's possible this could work. I hope it does, as I have way too much stuff to move again, at least not for 6 months. It'll take me that long to recover from this move. If I can I'd like to stay here until a place in housing comes up for me. I have been on the social housing list for 2 years now, but it is a 5 year waiting list.

The weird thing is that we can hear each other when we talk on the phone. So it's hard not to listen. I'm sure I will get used to this.

I have a good excuse to keep my room door closed as my cat is pestering her cat. They aren't fighting which is good, but she's older and doesn't like her space being invaded.

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. Sincerely. I've only just started to read some of the other sub forums and came across your thread in Haven.

As for your roomie. The quiet ones are the best imo and only engaging in pleasantries, as you pass like ships in the night, is exactly how to play it. Means that should there ever be a need to raise an issue, you will both be able to deal with it with civility and zero awkwardness.

To me this sounds like it's going to work too, fwiw.



Ah. Now i was going to mention about this in my previous post but decided against but, as it's been brought up... and on the subject of hearing each other...sounds like you have thin walls there.
Keep that in mind should you have company *koff* or are flying solo with an aid *koff koff*...if you catch my drift. Background noise like music or TV is useful here, btw.
Not sure how blunt i can be on this board and am trying to keep my comments family friendly.



I had this situ myself before i had to have my kitty put down, actually.
That said, the usual unspoken rule is if the door is open/partially open then it signals to other roomies you are open to chat/feeling approachable. Door closed means, i'm exercising the right to prance around in my room butt naked so, Do Not Disturb.
Not that I've ever personally done this, of course

As an aside...

The disadvantages are obvious when sharing, especially if you find yourself living with The Missing Link and generally, there are adjustments aplenty. That said, after you get used to it, it has its benefits too. Knowing there's someone on the other side of the wall is...comforting...in times of crisis etc.
Not coming home to an empty space, bar the cat, can also be calming. Especially as a woman.

So, it all balances out : )

Yup I got used to it, but it took a few months.
I spend a lot of time in my bedroom, its kinda like being a teenager again and I think it took my housemate a while to adjust to my way of being. Most days we exchange pleasantries in the morning, have a catch up chat in the evening, and wish each other a good night. She understands that I just like my quiet time, and that its not a personal thing.

Thanks. I still haven't heard back about the results of the biopsy. Wondering is looming at the back of my mind.


I don't think I will feel comfortable enough for a while, if ever. At least not when she's here.


I am beginning to discover this. A new form of non-verbal communication ... interesting.


I do feel like a kid. It is too weird. I'm sure she finds me odd, but that's okay, everyone is odd somehow.

Well, I think I suck as a roommate.

I am failing to integrate our space and have been encouraged to do so by my roommate. I was taking "room" literally and keeping everything in my room. Apparently, I am to put my stuff in the common space - foyer, kitchen, bathroom. I am finding this very complicated.

I had been keeping my cat in my room, but I have abandoned this and am leaving him to his own devices as my roommate seems insulted when I keep him in my room.

But I am concerned for her cat as she is older and seems very stressed by my young kitty.

boofle, my friend pushed the envelope and we engaged in sexual escapades when my roommate was out. This is all incredibly awkward. I am discovering that my roommate is quite young and naive. I'll have to not jade her with my negative attitude.

No you don't : ) remember this is new to you. Give yourself time to adapt and adjust. That includes your roomie. She's probably equally nervous and wants to make this work because she won't want to lose your rent. You're doing fine. Honestly.



This is a good thing she's said. Trust me. ALL new roomies go thru this. What's allowed and not allowed is a learning curve and comes with sharing territory. That she's asked you to spread out shows she's more welcoming than some landlords that prefer one to be all squashed up in one's room.
Take your toiletries into the bathroom, make a space on one of the shelves. Ask where your cupboard space is to be in the kitchen for both food n plates n pots n things. Do same with the fridge. She's given you permission in a nice way



She's not insulted she's doing her utmost to make you feel welcome and at home so you don't have to restrict kitty, is probably her thinking.



Do point out your concerns regards this and ask her how she would like to proceed and if she's still happy for your kitty to be allowed out of your room.



The solution we all use lol. And if ever you're caught out and she's home, put some music on, or go to his.
And don't worry about corrupting anyone. You're not as blighted as you appear to think you are : )
The only awkwardness here is the one of sharing space when it's a new share and having a sex life, which doesn't always gel well. Just try and plan it better next time so you don't always have to wait till she goes out.

And. Relax. Exhale. You're ok : )
There's nothing you're experiencing that we haven't all experienced as sharers. Please don't fall into the mindset that thinks you're not adapting.
You're functioning more capably than I could, given your circs.

: )

Thanks boofle, your post made me feel better.

My roommate is at work today. Woohoo. I have the place to myself.

I know the feeling, Ann.

I wish I had the place to myself more frequently myself.

Yeah, there's always that tension.