Is this a meltdown?

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Hi -

DH has episodes that seem to be preceded by low energy, low mood. Then it's like a tornado hits his brain. I sat with him through this last one (usually I leave the house for a few hours and let him deal with it) and checked in to see what he was thinking while it happened. First it was feeling bad about the low energy and low mood. Then it was that he was a failure at work and did not fit in. Hates his job. Hates wearing nice clothes to work. Feels like a phony. Then it was that everything was wrong and he is not stable. It was seriously like his brain imploded and he went into a very dark place. Then after it was all talked out, he very suddenly felt better and actually doesn't remember what happened. His whole expression changed the moment the episode stopped. After it was over, then work was OK after all, and everything else was OK, too. I don't notice him stimming and it's not violent. It's more mental.

He seems to have a worse time on weekends, when he doesn't have a set schedule. He will usually be OK one day, but fried and low energy by the second day. Three day weekends are always hell. And it's kind of tough because he doesn't want to be by himself, but alone time seems to be crucial. Maybe being around me is over-stimulating his brain and frying it. IDK. (We have been together almost 20 yrs.) I wanted to take off by myself on Sun. night camping to give him some time alone because I could tell he was getting low energy/fried, but he didn't want me to leave without him. And it was too tough for me to get two people ready to go on short notice. So I didn't go, we didn't go, then he imploded on Monday.

Any thoughts about this type of episode? Is it a meltdown? Does anyone experience anything similar? Is there anything that helps?

TIA -
MCO

I wouldn't exactly call what you've described a "meltdown." A meltdown, to me, involves considerable violence (either in word, deed, or both). Or a period of extreme silence, and the extreme desire to be alone.

I think this is more of a case of a person who needs to "wind down" after a typical day at work.

This is something, I believe, which should be handled with a therapist. He's making the effort to make a living, and is having a difficult time. The key: he should, as much as possible, continue to earn his living, and should, through natural growth and therapy, learn to handle the crap that happens in life better.

This is something I had to learn over my life.

DH is currently working with a psychologist, but this doc doesn't have any experience with adult autistic patients. We are in a fairly isolated geographic area. I have been wondering if DH would do better Skyping with a more experienced therapist, or if the 1 on 1 interaction is key.

The other thing I forgot to mention that is of interest to me is that DH says he has a numb spot in his brain when he starts feeling low energy and fried. It's above his forehead in the middle of his skull, maybe a couple of inches above the hairline. No idea if that means anything or not, but it's a physical symptom that seems to precede the brain tornado.

It sounds like a meltdown to me. Meltdowns can vary greatly and don't always include some type of violent aspect. Even my meltdowns can be very different depending on the circumstances and on how I am feeling. I have different ways of melting down. Sometimes I headbang, sometimes, I scream, sometimes I cry, sometimes I have verbal meltdowns where I just say weird things and they don't have to be violent at all. Sometimes my body just kind of collapses.

It sounds like your DH needs to have some routines set up for the weekends. That is very important. You can plan activities together and make a weekend routine chart together so that he can see what is coming and what you will be doing and when each step will be. Make it as detailed as possible. At work, he knows exactly what he is supposed to do and when. It is a structured environment. He also knows when he will go and when he will come home. That structure gives him a sense of security, grounding and safety. That kind of structure does not exist on the weekends so he no longer feels safe.

Camping is great and is one of my favorite things. It puts me in a calm environment and lets me connect with nature which is very helpful to me. He might like it as well if it is planned and structured. You might even try just going to a park together and spending quiet time there where he can decompress and still feel that you are close. He is clinging to you because he is trying to feel safe. He is melting down and imploding because there is no routine or structure on the weekend and his world is completely out of control and that is a very scary, rather terrifying feeling for an Autistic person. I become very clingy to my oldest brother as well when I feel that way even though I relish my alone time. So hopefully these suggestions can help you.

Thank you, those are very helpful and thoughtful ideas. I guess I will need to put myself on a schedule for the weekend, as I am usually pretty flexible about what happens, and when it happens. I will try it and see how that goes, and I will schedule some alone time for me. Maybe that will make it less scary if there is a set start and end time.

I am hoping I can get him interested in going back to Sat. yoga classes as he liked those and they are calming, and maybe going to the gym again which he likes but isn't very motivated to do by himself (but he doesn't really like me to go with him to the gym either).

He does love camping, but it also knocks him out. Sometimes he naps more or less the whole time we are out, like he has been drugged. I always thought it was something to do with moving from the overstimulating environment of work to the complete under-stimulation of life in the woods. Maybe a schedule for camping would also be helpful.

Great ideas!

So glad to help. Please keep us posted on how it goes.

One thought about the camping though. I would definitely ask him how he feels about it. The reason is that he may be sleeping a lot while you are camping but not for the reason you think. Because of the issues that I have with Autism, and I know that this is extremely common, I don't sleep well. I get very little sleep because I hear and feel so much and I hear everything at night.

When I camp, the natural sounds of nature are really soothing to me and that is where I get the best sleep, away from the city's unnatural and inorganic noises. It could be possible that he is sleeping so much at camp because he is actually able to sleep well there and his body and brain are able to relax and just rest. He might not be getting real rest in other environments.

When I go camping I love to hike and kayak and mountain bike and all that but I also love to just sit and do nothing and rest. It is one of the only environments that I am able to get any kind of real rest and sometimes I will spend entire days just sitting at the fire or by the lake and not even moving from my spot.

Thanks! Yes, I think he does get restful sleep out in the woods. My schedule would be something like lots of nap time for him (with optional activities), and plenty of time for me to go out. I like to take horses & my photography gear, so I can be busy almost every minute and be very happily engrossed in my activities... Hopefully if I write out a schedule of when I would be out and when we would be together, it would be easier and less stressful for him. He likes to do some short hikes and possibly a short horse ride, but that's about all the energy he usually has. He is very happy to be in the cocoon of the camper or sitting in a chair watching the fire.

Horses and photography! Can I come with you?! Sounds like my kind of trip!

I think you guys can have real success with this if you plan it well. I hope that you can really enjoy these times together and if you help him with destressing it will bring you closer as a couple. I know that I feel closest to my husband when we understand each other's needs and do our best to help each other out with them.

Of course you can come, if you can stay on top of a horse!

I think we are going to work in some basic herbal de-stressing therapy as well and see how that goes. Probably something like turmeric and rhodiola and see if that lifts any organic depression. We tested his cortisol very recently and found it goes low around noon, which seems to correlate somewhat with the low moods. Even if we could help that, it might be enough to prevent a full on mental toilet flush.

Skibum is very good with horses.

She's qualified to be a riding instructor, in fact.

Thanks!

I like taking Tumeric. I have to get more. It is very good to use herbs and natural things. I am totally into that. I also find sunlight very helpful to me and being in and around water.

I love riding, especially bareback where I can feel every move and be in closer contact. Horses are some of the best therapy for me. But even more just than riding, I bond very closely to them. I love just being with them. I love being in the field with them and even napping in the field with them. I feel closer to the horses in my life than to most of the people. Sometimes I prefer to walk with a horse or just stand with him rather than to ride. I feel more connected when I am not on him. And if I am riding, I love to do causal trail rides where we can relax and bond and walk through a natural environment rather than just being in the arena. I also love groundwork and grooming and find grooming especially therapeutic for me and them. They are amazing.

When you mention horses to Skibum, you have tapped into what she loves.

Thank you for your vote of confidence Kraftie. That is very sweet, only half correct though. I am not qualified to be an instructor for horse riding. I am not even a great rider yet, more like an intermediate. I just really love it and it is good for me.

I am qualified to be a swim and ski instructor though.

You got that right!

DH has a horse, but rarely does anything with him. He's a fantastic little horse, though. I ride him and taught him to drive. I love all things horse, and love groundwork and training (esp. clicker training, which is sooo interactive). Its so much fun taking them camping, they learn to enjoy new places, and we get to see new country. I like drinking my coffee in the morning while walking around letting the horses hand graze in the meadows in the beautiful morning light. It's just fantastic. I would DEFINITELY take you riding any time, Skibum!

The only horse I know who knew how to drive was Mr. Ed.

Wasn't he a cool Palomino?