I am scared about having kids

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Hi my name is Jake. I am engaged to the love of my life and we are getting married soon. She is not diagnosed with autism but is instead diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She shows some signs of autism but mostly just very mildly with her social behavior. Both of her siblings have autism. I am not sure what the appropriate way of saying how severe someone's autism is but her 16 year old sister is verbal and leads a pretty normal life. Her brother is 21 and he lives in a institution. He can be violent and is nonverbal and has an intellectual disability. My diagnosis has been changed many times and I am unsure if I have autism. No one else in my family has it. I also do not know an extreme amount about the disorder so please forgive anything that I say that is inaccurate or offensive. I have always been a bit off socially. I talk loudly and it took a lot of years for me to get where I am now that I am pretty well rounded. I used to over talk people and force the conversation in the direction of things only things I was interested in. But it seems like I mostly grew out of my typical autism symptoms leaving me with little evidence supporting that I have it. I still get overstimulated a bit easier than normal people and some textures will cause me to gag. Anyways the point of this post is that me and my soon to be wife are going to be reproducing at some point soon. She may already be pregnant so this is not debatable. She is dead set on having children and so am I. My mom really wants to meet her first grandchild before anything happens and she is not doing well. I am under the understanding there is a very high risk of us having a child with autism. I just want to know what I can do to ensure this child has the best chance at being happy and able to communicate. I'm just really scared right now. I wanted nothing more in life than to have a family and now that it is happening I am scared that my kid is never going to say "I love you" back to me. Can someone please talk to me about this?

I feel you life in a very beautiful part of Pennsylvania--especially if you're in the Endless Mountains.

It is not definite that your child will have autism. It is not a genetic disorder, in the sense that Down Syndrome is a genetic disorder. Or, especially, in the sense that Sickle Cell Anemia is a genetic disorder.

Obviously, there is a possibility of your child having some form of autism; but this is the case where there are two "neurotypical" parents, too.

But I can understand your fear. It's a very difficult undertaking taking care of a nonverbal autistic person. I don't know the extent of it--but there are a few people within the Parent's subforum who would have personal knowledge of this I would say, for the most part, that this would be the best subforum for your particular situation.

Of course, you can also post in the "regular" autism section....and any other section which you feel has relevance.

I am glad you have found the woman of your dreams, and that you are ready to have children together.

I, myself, even though age 55, have never had a child.

I want at least one child of my own, but, like the OP, I'm worried it might have autism. My partner is NT, and all his family seem NT, so hopefully the NT genes will be stronger, and most people are born as NT.

But a lot of Aspies don't agree with me about this. They make me feel like I'm a bad person for not wanting my child to have autism, and that an NT child is no different to an autistic child because NT kids can bring problems too. I never know how to answer that.

Hello there, I feel your trepidation.

I have often felt the same way, and frankly, I feel that even NT people feel the same worries. Am I good enough to be a father? Am I going to mess up my kid?

The answer is yes, you can be a good father. As long as you have love, you can overcome the things that make life difficult, the things that you'd rather not your kids have to deal with.

There's no perfect situation for people to pro-create, not really for anyone. You'll never feel like you can be the perfect father, because frankly, no one can be the perfect father. And that's a good thing, because it's the less than perfect experiences that children learn from. And you know what? When your son or daughter realizes the struggles you go through, and see the love you have for them comes through all that, it builds an even stronger bond I think.

That's my thought at least. In the end, whether you want to have children is up to you, but don't let the fear of what might be stop you from having children.

I'm NT and my husband is an aspie. We've been together off and on for 22 years. We had a surprise blessing two and a half years ago. Our son is neurotypical, but definitely not easy to raise. He's smarter than both of us and my husband's a genius. Imagine raising a genius NT. We're always at a disadvantage, running to catch up with whatever he's doing.

ALL kids are challenging, but once you have them, you wish you had them sooner. They quite literally improve your life a million times over, so you don't mind the extra effort you make in taking care of them. We have become much better people as parents, and our relationship with each other is also so much better. It is not possible for me to be any happier with my life now.

I know it's scary, but try to relax and enjoy each step as you go along. This will be the best thing that's ever happened to both of you. Whether or not your child is on the spectrum, they will fit in with you and your lady. The kid will just be a third one of the two of you. And don't worry about that "I love you" business. You will know that your kid loves you. They will have a way to say it no matter what.