Emotions & Motivation

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For the past eight or so years I haven’t been able to feel any sort of complex emotion. The only emotion I’ve been able to feel is what I would term as, “upset.” Rage would be the most apt word besides that, as anger is typically more directed. I spent the last three years as a shut-in and I’ve recently begun attending university.
I’ve become increasingly aware of the robustness afforded by the normative psyche, while certain components of theirs may be weaker than my own, their components are numerous with interplay, while mine is singular. Mine would be narrow, theirs wide.

For example, if their reason is bested they’ll very oft start saying things like, “I believe, I think, I feel,” whereas for the most part I reserve the first person to facts about my person, such as my age, name, and so on. This provides a buttress for their belief system, they can ultimately decide their belief based on their want (which is largely to be appropriate), whereas if I am bested I must concede, which is uncomfortable as I am rigid.

As I am emotionally stunted the only means of motivation I have is intellectual satisfaction, and this provides a substantial disadvantage. The normative has all manner of social pressures and emotion to motivate; when they fail they feel sad, when they succeed they are happy. I am only roused when I feel an attack is made upon my ego that requires vindication.

The pinnacle of introversion is to be content entirely within one’s self. When one is content there is no need to venture outside, if there’s no loneliness then there’s no need to broach friendships, if there’s no boredom then there’s no need to seek out stimulation. I see my peers constantly fumbling over their phones, and I understand it, but I’ll never feel it. If I had loneliness I’d have a problem to try and solve.
Motivation is a kernel which propels all other aspects, and it’s largely incomprehensible because it’s mute and fundamental. A heterosexual can understand a homosexual by applying his inclinations towards women towards men, but a person without any sexual inclinations won’t be able to understand either beyond the knowledge that it’s fuelled by an instinct to propagate. I wouldn’t be able to appreciate a person who claimed to be asexual, it wouldn’t be a case of “You’re like me except you don’t like women,” because sexuality would be a kernel of my person which has shaped much my perception both consciously and subconsciously. Similarly, it’s not possible for a person who is emotionally fuelled to appreciate someone is devoid of it, especially considering they would be much less depersonalised.

I love religion, I love its systemic structures and winnowing spheres of influence, but I don’t believe in a god, or rather I never considered it an interesting enough question to be worth consideration. It’s a pity because I could do with an altar to pour all my worship into.

Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten that vaccine :^)

I am interested in hearing different perspectives so I could determine how much on my perceptions are symptomatic.