Coping with a relative's late-in-life diagnosis

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Hello,

I'm pretty sure my Dad (pushing 60) has Aspergers'. He's a wonderful Dad and a wonderful man - no horror story of Asperger parents here - but I keep wishing that a diagnosis and treatment and accommodations could have been made for him as a young man. I keep wishing he could have had the kind of help that (best case scenario, I do realise) is available today. I keep wishing he had more chances in life. Don't get me wrong; as Aspies go he's very, very lucky. He held down a job (a good one) for two decades, he's happily married (at least as far as I'm aware) and he's definitely a happy parent, he's spiritually fulfilled and he does have friends. It's just that I think he's been confused by a lot of things, left behind in a lot of things, not accommodated for in a lot of things, and I just wish he had the kind of chances I have. I think I might be grieving over it. I just . . . when people don't make appropriate accommodations for him, or the effort to get to know and befriend him, I'd say it was their loss. It's just that that happens so much, that it's become his loss too. I keep wishing.

I don't think I'll tell him that I think he's an aspie. He's old-fashioned, and I don't want him thinking that something's wrong with him, or that his kid thinks that something is wrong with him. The weird thing is, when I felt like I was broken and defective when I first came to the possibility that *I* might have Aspergers, his example was one of the things that made me decide that Aspergers (I'm still not sure whether I have it or not) didn't have to mean I was worthless.

I love my Dad, and I love who he is - the Spectrum is part of him, and I accept (possibly even love) that part, but it's not all of him . . . it's hard to explain unless you've lived it. I wouldn't want to change my Dad, I just wish he hadn't had to deal with the fallout of a hidden disadvantage.

So . . . do I have to learn to live with feeling? (I don't mind it at present, but it can be intense and I want to learn to cope before it gets bitter).

I was 60+ at the time of Dx.

I am almost 55 years of age. I was diagnosed when I was 53 years of age. I like to repeat how someone described late-diagnosed autists as "survivors." We didn't know we were autistic and had to survive and thrive despite all the hostility and discrimination that all autists experience ... without the assistance of even knowing who we really were.

If your father is autistic, you are right to let him continue to live his life as he chooses. You could bring up the topic by describing an imaginary friend who is autistic and simply say that you worry that others might not treat him well. Leave it at that and watch for responses ... which might come days or weeks after you mention it. If your father says nothing, let it be. If he says something, ask how he would resolve your "friend's" problems. Either way, don't even hint that you suspect your father is autistic. He deserves his privacy as much as anyone. Meanwhile, you might enjoy a shared dialogue with your father about the idea of autism.

Good luck!