Could I have autism/aspergers+help?+questions

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I need some insight/help . Do you think I might have autism/aspergers? (or: would someone please tell me that I don't? ), what should I do?, and there's also some other questions further down...I underlined all of them to make them easier to find.


I'm obsessed with mental disorders right now- autism in particular....I keep daydreaming about autism or finding out I have autism and I've spent HOURS googling it and reading articles and taking tests. And although I've tried to quit it all and just be in denial, it keeps coming back. I'm hoping that doing this will take it off my mind...maybe someone here will tell me that I don't have autism/aspergers and then I'll be relieved. Or maybe some positive insight will help me.


Here's a summary of all the **most important** symptoms/signs in order of when they appeared or I first found them (so this isn't everything-it's just enough to give a general idea).


Sensory problems
--I have tactile defensiveness for sure. I've always been a very picky eater (when I was little I wouldn't even eat baby food...I would only eat less than 10 different foods. Literally!! ! I don't like my hair being combed by others, I often get pretty upset if I'm touched (and if I'm already in a bad mood, I'll scream) (though I don't mind if I'm the one doing the touching) but I've been getting better at keeping my feelings inside. I've always had a large personal space. I'm still a pretty picky eater, though at least I like some common stuff like pizza). Certain clothes have bothered me, and my wardrobe is limited (Sock seams are terrible!). I avoid and dislike messy stuff. Makeup is painful. Etc. And like those with SPD tactile defensiveness, I do like deep pressure touch if it's not sudden.
--I also may be auditory sensitive (not as sure...loud noises don't always bother me, but some noises are super-irritating) and maybe some kind of oral dysfunction too (I always need lots of salt, and I don't like bland flavors, and I focus better when there's something in my mouth).
I also have auditory processing difficulties (if not auditory processing disorder)-I have trouble understanding someone when there's background noise and have to ask them to repeat stuff half the time (eg lunch room), I have a bit of trouble with sound discrimination (I tested this using sound lyrics...I'd miss 7-15 words per song), I have trouble with verbal directions (especially multi-step ones), and sometimes I process words really slowly and fall behind on what someone is saying).


Stimming/BFRBs (body focused repetitive behavior):
I've always had some form of BFRB/stimming. First it was hair twirling, which caused my to lose a lot of hair and my parents cut off my hair to stop me. Then it was nail biting. And for the past two years, I've picked my scalp, face, ears, and eyebrows. A LOT (as in, most of the day) . I nibble my lips, too. I also rock, though I don't know how often since I don't do it consciously. And I shake my leg/foot a lot when sitting, too. Oh, and I occasionally arm flap when excited/frustrated.
--BFRBs count as stims, right?


Obsessive Interests:
I've always had obsessive interests...each lasts 6-24+ months. It started with dinosaurs, a very peculiar interest for a girl. Somewhere around 1st grade, I knew all about dinosaurs (especially species) and wanted to be a paleontologist. Then it was insects, then horses, etc. I've also had some psychological ones like lucid dreaming, myers briggs and now, mental disorders (especially autism). The most specific one I've had is bird wing anatomy, which I spent over a year on and used for drawing and making costumes each Halloween. I've always spent a ton of time on them, and for the past couple years I've often stayed up late with them. To give an example of how intense my obsessions were, with the animal ones, I get so obsessed that I'd do things like hold my arms like dinosaurs and pretend to be a dinosaur, walk on my toes like a horse, gallop like one (I still do that-I don't run), always pretend to be riding one (with motions/sounds to go with), or even try to walk/gallop on all fours (I got pretty fast!) or recently, hold my arms/hands in a way that I think is anatomically similar to bird wings. And I'd read a ton about them, and draw them (and draw nothing else but them). With all of them, it would be hard to stop thinking about them...I'd constantly try to link things in real life with my interest
--Right now I hide my obsessive interest (mental disorders). For some reason (theory of mind, probably), I know that I could talk about mental disorders without saying I think I have one, but I can't get my mind to imagine/believe how people will think when I talk about it...my mind seems to think that they will know about how I think I have one, and react the same way my mom does when I tell her. Even though I know they don't actually know.
--Is there any autistic/Asperger people here who've had several obsessive/special interests?

Rigidity:
I've always been pretty rigid. My mom says I was stubborn as a child. I would stick to the same routines, items, etc. For instance, I've been told that I always wore a headband to school in 1st grade and would be very upset if I couldn't.
I'm also perfectionistic, I avoid new situations, once I'm settled somewhere I don't like it being changed, I strictly adhere to rules (and double check them, too...for instance when I'm at a swimming pool I'll check the rules several times)
I keep things the same way. Each door has to be open/closed a certain way, I always use the same kind of fork/cup, sit in the same spot, etc. I like to sit in the same spot.


Social skills:
--I'm not really sure how bad it is....it's not like I can watch myself. I may seem pretty normal to someone, although a bit shy. I used to think of it as a bigger problem and didn't even consider it when I was trying to figure out the mental disorder thing lately (perhaps because I moved and I've been told it's more "normal" to have a hard time socially at first) but now that I think about it again, it seems like I've consistently had problems...I can't think of one good, successful social memory...most were stressful and/or I did something wrong. I used to think it was because I was homeschooled, but I've actually discovered that homeschoolers are actually better socialized, so that wouldn't explain it!
--What I do know is that socializing is exhausting for me. I've always been pretty socially awkward. Even in first grade, I was the last to make a friend (with help!) and usually played alone on the playground during recess. Also, if I encounter a situation I've never been in before, I do terrible...sometimes I just freeze up and don't speak for a couple seconds. I'm always consciously thinking about my eye contact, which I didn't even use much until my mom insisted-I never know when I'm looking too much or too little. I'm constantly imagining possible conversations to prepare myself. I'm terrible at working in groups, I like being alone, I'm shy (a couple years ago I seriously thought I had selective mutism, but I know now I'm not THAT bad) and I have a hard time making/keeping friends without assistance. I am slow to answer questions and slow/hesitant in general. I'm starting to consider pre-writing a response to "how are you" other common questions so I can answer quicker.
--For the "give and take" of conversation skills, it can be more on the one-sided side. Sometimes I forget to ask the other person questions so the conversation is brief, kinda like: other: "question" me: "short answer" other: "another question" etc until there's an awkward silence.
--At home, it's a bit different. I can be very talkative, sometimes interrupt others, am more bossy, and am more blunt...I also act more silly/weird (well, unless I'm depressed-then I'll be quiet) and my siblings think I'm weird.
When I was younger and I homeschooled, I'd constantly be in my bedroom with my obsessive interests. My mom finally got sick of it and wanted me to be with the family, so now my time alone is limited.
--Basically, I'm so. utterly. CONFUSED. when it comes to social situations now. There's some things I just don't understand-like "how are you?", small talk, hugs, and kisses. And I don't understand the friend thing and how to make/keep friends...and what is the difference between an acquaintance and a friend?! It's even harder because I moved, so the friends I had (a LOT of) help making and keeping are now lost. So I've had no friends for a couple years, and now I'm socially isolated, which I've heard is unhealthy and can cause depression.
I could say a lot more about my social problems if anyone wants me too. I have many examples of it.


Executive Functioning
I very recently discovered this, so I'm still figuring it out. But I'm pretty sure I have working memory problems, some planning problems (I heavily rely on notes and need to plan a lot), have trouble shifting focus, and get distracted easily. And maybe problems initiating tasks. I'm good at organizing, though, as you can see...


Emotions/mood
I have very intense emotions. I'm often either very happy or very sad/frustrated or even very depressed...well, recently, at least. I have meltdowns/shutdowns around once or twice a month. I also have difficulty explaining my feelings to others, and figuring them out on my own...I have to draw or write poetry or journal to figure them out unless they're obvious. I'm getting a better at it now...I know what to look for for each emotion..I have lists of signs for each. Oh, and I've always had pretty low self esteem. I've been depressed often for the past couple years, especially lately. Sometimes I'll get super-happy though, but I don't think I have bipolar-I've been monitoring it.
I also have anxiety a lot (esp. in social situations), sometimes without apparent cause. Sometimes I have anxiety attacks (or is it some kind of restrained meltdown?). Usually the anxiety is in new situations or in social situations. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that I have depersonalizaion/derealization.


Here's a bunch of random stuff:


School
A bit about me and school...this is one of my main concerns. I'm always falling MAJORLY and ABNORMALLY behind and I'm very slow at assignments. I think it's because I'm overall slow, and also perfectionism, anxiety, a wandering/busy mind, executive function-type stuff, hands preoccupied with skin picking, or fatigue sometimes contribute to the slowness. Sometimes my obsessive interests keep me from school (that was especially the case in middle school, when I was in online school and had unlimited access to google). I've compared my problems to other kids, and none of them fall behind or are slow like me. And then I also have trouble asking for help from teachers because I don't know how, am too shy, or don't realize I need to. Oh, and I've been in several high schools by now cause I keep moving and I have the same problems in each one (social and homework) so it's not just the school!
Being in a class is also hard because small groups, because I'm so slow, because of anxiety problems, etc. I also am constantly picking my face/scalp...in class!! !..and constantly shaking my legs/feet. I think everyone must think I have lice by now or something, haha...ha..
It's odd...I usually have the opposite performance of classmates; often, what others may struggle with, I do with ease (usually memory and understanding), but what others can do well, I struggle with or do more slowly (usually homework, projects, etc)! I dunno why!


Test scores (although I don't take them too seriously since I hear most are biased towards males, and are just online tests):
--Aspie test: Neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 150 of 200 (75%), Neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 57 of 200
--ASQ: 35/50 (70%)
--BAP: 73%


I'm in denial, though...After all, everyone else seems to think I'm fine (or do they...?) (except I'm NOT "fine") And...I don't have ALL the symptoms. And...my mom doesn't like how I think I have mental disorders. And...I have no idea how people will react if I tell them any of this, and I have a hard time explaining anyway. And.....! ! OR-
What if it's just ADHD? I've found that they have some things in common. What if it's just SPD? Giftedness also has a lot in common with aspergers! What if? What if?
Some aspects which I do not have or are against this:
-I understand symbolism very well, and use it often on my own when I write poetry/creative writing. In fact, last year I was kinda obsessed with finding symbolism/meaning in everything in my life
-I don't really take things literally and I can understand jokes/sarcasm now, although I think I did take it much more literally/seriously a couple years ago...I can be humorous, too...I dunno if my humor is normal or not?
-I can do imaginative play...I can role play and I've always been very good at making stories. When I was a child I collected toy dinosaurs...actually I'm not sure I played with them 'normally'. I did play pretty normally with my next toy collection (schleich animals, especially horses and fantasy creatures), though...I named them all and made plots. I did arrange them and had complex set-ups when playing with them with others....
-I don’t have poor Motor Skills
-I can understand some body language, though subtle body language is harder
-No delays in speech
-I'm not sure, but I don't think I have any obvious/serious theory of mind problems...
-I don't know of anyone I'm related to who has autism...I think my parents may be on the BAP?...although my parents and I are starting to think my brother may have autism or at least Social Communication disorder...
-I'm not sure if I would meet the DSM 5 social criteria


And even if I do have it, and it's making my life miserable and difficult, what can I even do about it?? (And even if I don't have autism/aspergers, I'm pretty sure I have something!) My mom doesn't like how I think I have a mental disorder and isn't going to take me to a psychologist (though, I could go to my school's psychologis). My mom totally doesn't understand me...she thinks I'm shy and lazy or something. So would it be worth it to tell about this to school staff or anyone? I don't know what to do...


Also, is it OK to post around even if I'm not officially diagnosed and I'm unsure?

Go with your suspicion! You have traits enough to ask for a referral.

Thanks!

I'm starting to think I more likely have ADHD...there are several things aspergers and ADHD have in common (such as sensory stuff, executive functioning, and different types of social problems) which would explain why I would thought I had autism...I'm starting to realize I'm probably not autistic; it (the idea that I have it) is not passing the test of time. I've seen several people on other websites/books (and maybe here, too) hypothesize that ADHD is on the autistic spectrum, though, which is interesting.
If I can find the courage, I think I'll try telling a teacher (who happens to have ADHD) sometime this week.

Good idea.