Am I inferior? Am I already dead?

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So I've been having some sudden and SEVERELY painful self doubt thoughts running through my head. I've considered death several times now, and I am NOT this kind of person. I think it's my medication. I'm extremely frustrated all the time, I don't do ANYTHING (In fact, the only reason I get out of bed is because I've already faced enough social isolation as it is, and I can't bare any more). I'm motivated purely by fear. My whole life has become a giant machine that forces me out of the house and into a giant hellhole then back home to repeat my s**t all over again. I also can't kill myself because I would hurt my family, and I care more about other people than I do myself. In fact, I know I'm a drain on resources but I know how much they appreciate me.

Don't get me wrong, I like my existence, I like the world. But when you feel that your genes are going to infect and kill other people you feel the need to end it. I'm afraid I have viruses and stuff that could hurt others, and the same sort of thing that happened to me is going to extend to others. I feel inferior, my muscles are flimsy, I'm a coward, I'm unmotivated, I can't do s**t worth of anything. I do arts and math all day and I suck at both, and I've gotten several awards but they're all made out of plastic, no value, just like me. I am going to complain, and I know people don't like that, and every time I've ever complained I get a shut the hell up and do your work and stop being a drain on the world but I don't care anymore, so bring on the insults I guess.

Until today i felt crappy, two things ive done to improve my state of mind.

First i discovered and removed the source of what was giving me a sore chest, black mold producing mycotoxins in the air. The Second thing was resuming taking borax powder daily, because borax is elemental boron which is being found more and more to be needed for good nutrition it also has very strong antibacterial properties. I get lonely as well isolation seems to be something synonymous with aspergers, whilst i have friends many today dont treat me well thanks to my age and lack of things in life which largely is anti-trend towards society in general.

But there are certainly things you can do to make yourself feel better. I once suffered from chronic depression it persisted for many years yet in those days i was living on a diet of junk food and far too much sugar whilst surrounded by alot of people that really didn't give one f about me. What ive come to say in my life, if the only thing i can have is my health then i'll take it. I hope when ive reached the age of 90 im still more or less the same as i am now.

I'm not going to tell you to shut up. We all need to get things said sometimes. It's actually healthier than bottling it up. You say you think it's the meds. Have you spoken to your Dr about it?

I would inform the doctor that prescribed the medication that you have noticed this change. There are medications have mental side effects. You will find a list of known side effects by doing a quick search of your meditation on WebMD or the Mayo Clinic websites. Stopping medication can have side effects also.

I would also think about any significant life changes that have occurred recently anything from a change in relationship status, new job or school, new diet etc.

You should call your doc now and see if you should stop taking the medication. Certain medications, especially "activating" antidepressants (like wellbutin) can cause increased anxiety, mania, psychosis, and suicidal thoughts.

So the odd thing is whenever I miss a dose even if I take it the next 3 days it still has the same effects afterwards. I was having these symptoms pop up suddenly and took time to dissipate. Now that they're gone I have no idea what the hell I was writing here, it's like it's not even me. I was having all kinds of weird thoughts and paranoia. The paranoia's still here, just not as bad. Then again, I think I've always had paranoia problems lol.

Basically though it's diminished. I've been feeling a lot better and things are more pleasurable now, also the disgust I was having towards people has diminished and my mind is clearer. It's really weird how quickly this comes and how quickly it goes away, given a few days of missing just one dosage.

The other good news is my slurred speech and funny muscles suddenly went away. I know low muscle tone is part of Asperger's(?), but the slurred speech wasn't, as I have 4-5 friends with Asperger's, 2 of them with speech slowness. I must stop analyzing the side effects, and I'll be asking my Dr. in 2 days.

No insults from me. I have received my share of plastic "awards" (including several awards that were "negotiated" for me by others). You deserve better than that. Here's something for you: