How to Break it to the Parents

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Hi! I self-diagnosed myself with ASD a few months ago after a mental break of finally having enough and wanting to know why I am the way I am. I'm 28 and currently going through the process and tests of being professionally diagnosed. I haven't told my parents any of what I'm doing because I know that they won't believe me unless I have an actual diagnosis, otherwise they would just claim that there's nothing "wrong" with me and that I've always been just a little weird (I've always been good at wearing masks to seem "normal"). And, of course, I've never been able to tell them, or anybody, how I feel about what's going on with me.

How did you go about telling your parents? How did they react?
Am I overthinking this and I shouldn't wait for the official diagnosis to tell them?

I did not tell my mother, even after the official diagnosis, for the same reasons you described.

Dad was already dead.

I waited until after the diagnosis to tell them

And they still didn't believe it

A diagnosis from a professional is easier to believe than self diagnosis

Denial

But you can't make someone believe something

My parents passed away in 2012 & 2013, a few years before I was diagnosed at age 46, so I have no experience with what you are faced with. However, your description of your situation sounds like mine could have been when I was 28 (almost 20 years ago) when my parents were very much alive.

I imagine my parents would have NEVER EVER EVER EVER believed I had ASD even if I told them I was actually diagnosed with ASD. I imagine a situation where when I told them I was autistic, they would 1) refuse to believe me; 2) tell me numerous reasons why I couldn't possibly be autistic; and 3) would never look at my actions or challenges as being anything different than they had before I told them I had an ASD diagnosis. I have seen strong signs of autism being present in a number of deceased relatives on both sides of my family, so I'd imagine that both of my parents are somewhat desensitized to those ASD symptoms, and would be in complete denial that the signs they saw in both me and several of their relatives could be autism.

I think most parents would have a hard time believing their adult-age child would have a medical condition which was undetected for 28 years by both they and all of your previous doctors. I wish you best of luck as you decide how to approach this delicate subject with your parents.

I waited till my mother was talking about another relative's AS, then casually mentioned that I have it / am, (whatever) when she refuted that, I told her that I'd just been tested and diagnosed.

I agree.

I would wait until your parents talk about somebody with AS-----before you tell them that you were diagnosed with it.

My surviving parent's knowledge of autism is from the sixties and seventies, and so would be of the 'Classic' presentations, which do not match my presentation and lead to disbelief and mild conflict. Life id too short for that.

I look at things the other way round. I look for any similar traits in my mother, and use those to inform any decisions or recommendations I need to make as next of kin for my mother's welfare as she plods into her eighty fifth year frail from Parkinsons and old age.

So I have managed to find a care home which is kind to our sensory and social profiles, and where there seem to be a few more mrmbers of our tribe among the residents and most of the time the telly in the common room is off.

My mother died 5 years ago, and my father is 85 (very likely Aspie himself, though he doesn’t really know much about it). I was quite afraid to mention it and felt very private about the whole matter during the assessment lead up and process. However in my assessment the psychologist needed some confirmation of my behaviour/abilities as a child to be able to give me a clear diagnosis and after all I’d been through to get to the point of diagnosis I decided I had to involve my dad as he’s the only one left. It was a tough phone call asking if he would do a telephone interview with the psychologist, and I was very dubious about what he would actually say as my mother was the one who did the hands on parenting. However I did get diagnosed. And my dad has not asked what the result was. I don’t think I’ll mention it unless he asks, and even then, doubt we will have much discussion about it.

Well, a medical bill of mine for an AS test went to my parents' house instead of my apartment, and now my mom is asking about it. I guess I gotta come clean now.

You're living on your own.

Why must you "come clean?"

"Come clean" with what? You haven't stole from them. You haven't done anything wrong.

You are all adults. Just tell your parents, if you want to, that you feel like you might be autistic (but emphasize that you won't quit your job or whatever because of it). You don't HAVE to tell them.

You just want to make sense out of yourself.

I'm an adult so I chose not to tell my mother.

That's the crux of it, really.

You're an adult.

You don't have to "come clean" with anything.

Thank, kraftiekortie. That helped me get out of a panic attack. I wanted to tell them on my own time and when I was ready is all. I think, for some reason, that I have it in my mind that they'll see it as a bad thing or try to deny it, when I know that they'll be fine with it.

I believe people have a responsibility to tell their spouse or other romantic partner, but not their parents. I had a first date last week and told the person that day. I don't like the idea of keeping secrets in relationships.

If you think you really want to tell your parents I would have some books or youtube videos (TED Talks etc) ready for them to view. It's also possible that the doctor who assesses and identifies you would be willing to meet with your family and you together, to answer any questions. My doctor offered to do that, should I be interested.

One important consideration, to me, is that you're not "officially" diagnosed yet so---if anything---the "burden" is even less on you.