Now I know why we have no friends

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Made friends with somebody related to me with Autism I have Aspergers myself.

Have met up with them and taken them out many times over the last few years.
Get a text Wednesday asking can we go out on Saturday I say yes.
Get a text on Thursday asking to be picked up at 1.30 on Saturday which seems rude and pushy but I know individual does not understand or mean it so I say ok.

I am working until midnight on the Friday and my phone rings at 10.13 and then 10.27 which I miss however I call back back and text back and explain I am working until midnight maybe later and I will pick him up at 3.00pm the next day.

Next day I have to help out at home so I am going to be a little late so I switch off my phone.
I arrive at 3.17 and he tells me I am late.
I said I would pick him up at 3 remember while we were out he said he could not contact me and I reply I switched off my phone so I would not be pestered.

When I turned on my phone I had five missed calls and a text from him.

The calls times were 2.48pm 2.51.pm 2.52pm 3.03pm and 3.12pm oh yes and a text in the middle at 2.57 WHERE ARE YOU NOW.

I have tried to help out this individual and being on the spectrum myself I know he does not mean to come across this way and has not idea he is being annoying.
Saturday I was tired and almost had a crash from being put under pressure.

I have never lost my cool or been mean to this person as I know they would take it the wrong way and be very hurt and rejected and trust me I know how that feels.
I can understand the NT perspective now and I am Autistic I was driven around the bend over the weekend.

I would welcome others views on this as I am not sure how to handle this going forward.

You seem like a sweet patient person. Sorry if I am being rude saying this, but I hope your friendship with this person is more than just out of sympathy or empathy. It's easier to be annoyed when you feel like the relationship is more of a chore than a joy.
When you knew you were going to be late would it have been helpful to text your friend and tell them the situation? Perhaps adding that it is unavoidable and unexpected. That seems like something a friend would do though I've had friends who think being late is just their nature and don't make any effort about it. Is it common for you to show up late and should your friend just expect it?

Too be honest we met online first due to an Identical obsession.

As regards texting to say I am going to be late I was already bombarded with communications.
I had to cancel a few days out he tired to organise due to a family crisis and me trying to explain this went over his head.
I also had money problems due to this and suicidal thoughts

Back in October he threw a huff with me because I needed to change a day out from Sunday to Saturday due to me getting the only available pre test lesson.
I passed my test in the end 3rd try.

I was bullied very badly for a lot of my life and I had the intention of trying to help with my experience.
Your right it has become more of a chore then a joy but that is not how I intended it.

I can't help or plan my feelings.

Well I'm sure that you didn't intend to upset this person and he was annoying you but I think you should apologize. Even if you're not really at fault. You should have told him that it wasn't a good time for you and that you might have needed to reschedule.

From what I can tell you gave this person pretty late advance that you would be arriving at 3:00 and as an autistic person that in itself would really throw me off. And then you didn't show up at the agreed time again without giving any notice and ignoring his messages. If this had happened to me I would be having a full blown meltdown, I can understand why he would be upset.

Sorry if I misunderstood anything but that's just what I'm thinking.

The time something is supposed to take place is a big deal for some autistic people. Structure is of major importance. I have never dealt well with it myself. It's gotten somewhat better now that I'm older. But plans that get changed, something starting late, someone not being on time, really mess me up and can even lead a meltdown. It screws with my gyros and throws me out of whack.

So I mean that's a serious trigger for him. And like I'm sure you know, triggers are hard to control. Plus there's the deal where he might not grasp your side of things. Unable to put himself in your position.

None of that makes you the bad guy, stuff happens, plans get screwed up. But I think that's what you're dealing with. I think it's more of a neurological thing that a bad attitude thing.

Well ... I hate to sound ablist on this topic but this is why if you're gonna hang with other autistics you need to make sure that they're on your level ... Its good to find other autistics because you can relate better and things like that but if you're working and driving, and all the way around typical "adulting" and you're hanging out with another autistic is either unemployed and got too much time on their hands or living in a group home then its not gonna work out because you're not on the same level.

Last year I met 2 autistics at a local comic con type event I went to. One was in a group home and while I spent a good portion of time hanging out with her at the convention there wasn't much of a connection there because I knew that she wasn't on my level. The other autistic was a boy who, while he was going to collage and WASN'T in a group home had a really really controlling mother. Now my mom is similar to his mom in a way that she can be overprotective at times but even my mom said his mom is a little TOO involved. She literally said she doesn't know how she lets him go to collage full time because of the way she is and she probably stays on campus somewhere or whatever. Now his second disadvantage to me was that he was significantly younger(7 years younger) then me so he was immature AND too young and that was a problem.

Now to go from bad to worse his mom after finding out that I am also autistic wanted me to date her son I think ... She had tried on multiple occasions to set us up to no avail since I kept turning down and even made it clear about my feelings regarding his age and maturity level. The moral of the story: friend up, not down. Get someone who's doing better then you to inspire you to do more, not someone that you have to help them out and get them to your level.

Not all NTs get along or like each other so the same thing is going to happen with people on the spectrum too. Not all of us are going to get along or like each other. Don't feel guilty if he is too much for you and you can't handle it. You're human. That person just has things he needs to work on and you having this realization also helps you realize this is something you need to work on too.

How can this be avoided, well make sure you gather all the information first so you don't call them constantly like make sure you know the date and time you're meeting when you're on the phone with them. Also if you're going to be late, call to let them know and tell them what time to expect you by and even if you get there before the, great. That other friend can do the same too so he wouldn't be calling you constantly.

If someone says they're busy until a certain time, don't expect a response from them until then. I would still send them messages but I wouldn't expect a response from them until they can check their phone again.

Yeah I am guilty myself constantly calling and when I can't get a hold of someone, I try again later thinking maybe they have their phone on this time or maybe they have it with them this time. Now I know that people will purposely silence their ringers or turn it off or not answer their phone. This is one of the hidden rules no one tells you about. Just be honest and tell them you need space and tell them when they can call you again or tell them you don't always want to talk on the phone so you won't always be answering and if they are calling you too much still, tell them how often they can call you. If someone now gets anxiety when you tell them they are bothering you or calling you too much and how it's making you feel, good, they will sure call less often then because they will be too anxious to even make a call and that will keep them from doing this.

I agree that you should let the guy know if your going to be 15 minutes late, or if you have to change the day for a get together. Clear Communication is very important for people on the spectrum. I hate change of routine, or when people are late. and everything doesn't go just right, but it's something you just have to learn to deal with.

Maybe you could have a chat with him about what happened and figure out a way to avoid a repeat of the unnecessary bad feelings that this situation created for the two of you... You both have needs, his in this case seems to be related to needing certainty regarding time and yours seems to have been the need to not be pestered due to a tight schedule. Both those things can impact on my brain, and I might need the time to be certain and the pestering to stop before I can think straight.

Just back from work now and all the new replies are really helpful.

As regards up friending is might sound mean but I have to agree I need to share company with people I have common ground with.