Do you stay home or do you go?

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Existential question ahead:

Yesterday, I went to a wake. Not for someone I know, but the mother of a family friend, someone I never met.

These things are pretty low pressure, all you have to do is show up, shake hands with the family, and sit for a while and drink something. The main idea is to show up to show your support, and if you know them well, help out, as the family is busy preparing the funeral anyway.

This time I tried to pay attention to my reactions, to get some idea of how well I handle these events. Recent posts on WP have made it clear to me that I am not very self-aware, so I figured I should start studying myself, so to speak.

So I sit down, and I fairly soon start looking at all other things than people, because that is what I do when there are a lot of people. And then they pulled a screaming pig out of the pigsty and slaughtered it, which increased the morbidity of the event about tenfold. All the other pigs kept grunting and shuffling around in the pigsty for another ten minutes or so, obviously upset. After that I became aware of every sound, of water being poured loudly in a bucket, of every cow lowing, every car passing, of the cat chewing on a piece of intestine. When the second pig started screaming, I started becoming dizzy. Again, the pigsty was humming with agitation.

I got home and I thought I was doing ok. I said no to some wine because I wanted to sleep well.

This morning I woke up around five. I was tired but couldn't sleep. Hungry but couldn't eat enough. Tried to work but couldn't focus. Sat down for a coffee later with family, but I couldn't keep my eyes open around people. Tried to talk to husband and realized I'd been 'losing' snippets of interaction. I'm really away with the fairies today. I managed to beg off going to the funeral itself, which was the only possible choice. In the past I would have gone, out of duty, and then really destroyed myself.

So how much do you stretch yourself in these situations? Our friend was of course very sad about losing his mother. I'm sure it meant something to him that we all showed up. I can't just lock myself in my bedroom for the rest of my life, then I might as well just give up on all relationships and on life itself. But right now my kid is sitting and watching cartoons because I can't pull myself together. Today is a day spent already.

Where is the cutoff point? How much do you stretch yourself to take part in the world outside? How do you deal with surprises?

The thing is: you had to show up for this event.

I feel the repercussions for not showing up, ultimately, would have been worse than all the feelings you experienced during the wake.

Like you said, one has to emerge out of the comfy cocoon sometime, and deal with the inevitable crap.

No kraftie, I disagree that "she had to show up."

How bad would the "repercussions" be for a situation where it's not even immediate family, but a friend's family member whom the OP never even met?

I get being supportive of the friend. But if the friend is a real friend and a good friend, they should even in their grief be understanding if the OP had explained that they don't feel they can get through the event.

If I were that friend who had been bereaved, and I had a friend with sensitivities, autism, anxiety, whatever it was, I would like to think I'd totally be okay with them telling me they love me, support me and are sorry for my loss, but with their issues and challenges they feel they are not up to it.

The other friends would still be attending. I can be forgiving for my one friend with the sensitivities and anxiety disorder or ASD.

Would we be resentful and feel the friendship damaged if a friend in a wheelchair had to beg-off attending an event we were holding in a historic building that was unable to have any wheelchair access?

I feel the same way about someone with mental reasons why something will not be easy for them to deal with.

If the OP had just plain, flat out not showed up after saying she would, that's one thing.

But if beforehand she could have explained to the friend, or even if, during the event, she felt overwhelmed and had to excuse herself with a graceful and honest explanation of how she was feeling overwhelmed, I think that would be okay.

If the friend was so unbending that he wouldn't forgive that, then that's not a friend I'd like to have.

It's one thing to push yourself to deal with things just outside your comfort zone -- I have done that ALL my life.

But there is also the other side of the coin -- where sometimes we have to assert to people who care about us that we are pushing ourselves too far and we need some slack.

We DO have issues and it's a disservice to ourselves to constantly violate our own needs.

Thank you guys for your posts. This is actually what I wanted; differing opinions with reasons why. I am trying to make some rules for how to run my life so I can actually accomplish something, keep some relationships going and not run myself into the ground.

For the record, Birdie, I'm not diagnosed. My therapist thinks I have ADHD. I don't really know, maybe she's right, but I personally think the reaction I described in the original post is more autism than ADHD. I know a lot more about autism than I know about ADD though. I tried reading some ADD boards sometimes, but they just never felt like 'home' like WP does. I relate more to people here.

The only person who knows about this IRL is my husband, but he doesn't quite understand what it means in practical consequences. It can be hard for people who don't have these challenges to understand how some things can be so easy for me and some things so difficult.

As for the wake, these things are very chaotic and happen very fast. There is no talking to the friend beforehand, simply because you can easily have 150 people show up in the space of an evening, and they can't all call him. You either show or you don't. There are no repercussions if you don't show, but if you consistently do not show up at these events, you will slowly and gently be shunted out of the network of visits, gifts and practical help that makes everything function in my husband's home country. Without it, you are helpless. Also, our friend was the first to show up and help every time one of our elderly family members died; the least we could to was to show up at his mother's wake.

I'm working on building myself an identity as crazy but nice, here

The thing is, husband's country is amazingly more tolerant than my own. It's much easier to socialize here because there is a lot less scrutiny than at home. On the other hand, the social whirlwind can leave you breathless. It's definitely not a good place for introverted aspies, but the active but odd can do fairly well. I think I am developing a reputation as emotionally cold, though, which is far from the truth, but what can you do?

That sounds like a very connected social situation, I can see that. I can understand that if a person starts a habit of not showing up, that person could start to get cut out and cut off from the support system in general.

I also see now how there wouldn't have been time to take your friend aside and advise him of your situation.

I wish, though, that this supportive system all of you have going there, could also include "support" emotionally for people who might have a need to not get overwhelmed. . . . .

Even if you don't have a diagnosis, underwater, you clearly seem to have identified that you have certain struggles, issues and challenges that make things difficult for you.

I have noticed in my life that certain people do receive some understanding and even protection against things their circle of family or friends have seen to be upsetting to that person or even a complete no-no.

Just taking something physical again as an example: if someone has diabetes or some other medical condition severe enough that they need a strict diet, I don't think anyone in their social or family circle would take exception to the fact that this person just cannot eat what everyone else is eating.

If someone has just suffered a mental breakdown I don't think anyone in their right mind would start to want to reject them from the circle just because they knew they couldn't handle an emotionally charged event.

So why can't someone with easily overwhelmed fragilities be understood and given compassion for also not being able to handle it? I'm just wondering aloud here, not asking you directly -- just wondering generally why this kind of thing cannot be folded into acceptability by people who claim to care about us.

Being different in any way, different in terms of ability to cope, should get as much compassion as someone with a physical illness or difference that makes certain things almost impossible for them to cope with.

Again just me thinking out loud, but I really am starting to get tired of a world where we are closer to being good and supportive about physical disablement, but we still reject and start to ostracize people whose coping challenges are mental and emotional ones.

I think that's appalling. And although I can't speak for you as I'm not "in your shoes," I can't help feeling that if I were surrounded by people who would be so lacking in understanding of me that they were starting to cut me off from the support system just because there were time I genuinely could not function well enough to deal with what I was being asked to deal with, I would personally start to find that so hateful of them that I wouldn't WANT those people in my life anyway.

They sound like a-holes.

I'm not very "radical" in this, by the way.

I would understand it if a friend of mine wouldn't want to attend a funeral, say, of my father. No repercussions for that friend.

But when it's close family, I feel like you're doing a disservice to yourself by not being around them when a death of a loved one happens. An exception would be if the whole family treats you with disrespect constantly.

Even then, I wouldn't get upset with a person who doesn't want to attend the festivities. What I'm concerned about, more, is the reaction of other people.

But this wasn't close family, this was a friend's parent who died, and the OP had never met the deceased person.

Yes it would be nice to support the friend anyway, and yes it's other people who might start being disapproving when they notice the OP isn't showing up to such events.

But again, if those people are supposedly close enough in this social group to know the OP, then shouldn't they also be helped to be aware that the OP might have challenges, and there may be a good reason why she cannot always feel up to the task the way "normal" people might?

If those people are judgmental then personally I would have to wonder why I'm trying to stay in their good books in the first place.

More and more, that seems like a horrible, judgemental community.

This social setting or support system that the OP speaks of sounds very close-knit, but very unforgiving and judgemental if they -- as the OP claims -- would begin to disapprove of her just for not being able to handle intense and heavy occasions like wakes.

Where is the "support" for her? She may be neurodiverse and truly unable to cope with the overwhelm. When do we start getting some caring accommodations for our impaired functioning? High functioning ASD people are constantly being judged, unforgiven, outcast for things we are trying to do to take care of ourselves, knowing that forcing ourselves into will be at high emotional cost to us.

Part of the problem here is how the world expect so much of people who are on the higher functioning part of the spectrum, refusing to understand that what we can't cope with is as real as anything anyone else cannot cope with, just on a different part of the sliding scale.

But where other people get understanding, a free pass, accommodation, we instead get vilified because we're soooo close to "normal" and are expected to then be normal in every way possible, or get judged for it.

I'm really tired of that being the way things work for people without obvious disability.

Think of how, if the OP were more severely autistic, every single person among these friends or family would completely understand that she's too freaked out by this event to attend, or to stay very long if she did attend. The understanding and free pass would be there.

But because she's not only undiagnosed but probably also "passing" to everyone as NT, nobody gives a damn about her possibly inability to cope to exposure of this highly charged event.

It's one of the worst things about a high functioning female struggling to cope with the normal expectations placed upon them, and these constitute a truly heavy burden.

We need to advocate for ourselves and if that means a bunch of this so called circle of support don't support the OP anymore, maybe she's better off without those a-holes.

It's called taking care of one's own needs -- you can't even be of support to others if your own well has run dry from overextending yourself and feeling upset in the situation.

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I should also add -- I attended both of my parents' funerals at great cost and trouble to myself (10,000 mile round-trip journey both times) --------

-------and my judgemental, dysfunctional family STILL vilified and judged me, just for OTHER things they managed to find to judge me for!

So sometimes you can't win even IF you comply with expected convention. So therefore, f**k it.

Thank you, BirdInFlight, you put a into words a lot of the things that were buzzing around in my mind.

If I were to diagnose myself, I'd say I'm autistic with some ADHD traits, active-but-odd, hyperempathic and extremely verbal. I think it's the combination of extraversion, hyperempathy and strong verbal ability that makes me seem much more capable than I really am.

I'm just not passing anymore. Partly that has to do with becoming more self-aware. I can't force it anymore. I don't have the energy. I really started crashing after having my baby, partly due to health issues, and partly due to struggling more with EF issues and socialising with the added pressure of motherhood.

When I married my husband, I married into a complex social network. I've really had a lot of help, and one of the reasons I haven't had a major breakdown is all the support from both my family and my husband's family. My situation is radically different from a lot of the socially isolated autistics on WP, but it takes a lot of energy to relate to so many people.

The trouble is that I'm reaching an age where I am expected to take a more active role in managing social situations, and I just can't do it. Over the last few years, I've become more and more reclusive and depressive. The last time I worked, it all went up in flames. I don't think I can deal with employment anymore. Husband begged me not to look for more jobs because people treat me horribly and then I have breakdowns. But we don't have enough money.

I'll be going for an autism assessment, but to be thruthful I don't have high hopes. I'm a classic difficult-to-diagnose female with so many coping strategies in place. My mother trained me like a dog to look people in the eyes.

In husband's country, I don't think anybody is really aware that there is such a thing as high functioning autism. You're either low-functioning or just 'sensitive'. But my body language is getting less and less expressive with age. Might have to do with depression though.

Hell, I guess this thread belongs in the Haven.

It seems entirely reasonable to go to either the funeral or the wake, but not both if you aren't up to it. To me, it feels like you're doing a decent job of balancing things- being just socially active enough to get by in your husband's community, but accepting that you can't do everything. What I've been learning is that I have to allow for recovery time after anything intensely social- sometimes those 5am nights are just going to happen.

Anything where an animal is slaughtered on the spot must be overwhelming on a sensory level, and also a bit of a culture shock if you're not used to seeing that. I wonder whether the funeral would have been easier or harder? It's the sort of thing you might be able to research- "what usually happens at these events?"

Good point, if I'd known about the pigs I'd have gone to the funeral instead. It's just not something people mention, as they are so used to it.

I need to find some way to not come on extended stays in this place, though, because there is no privacy and no way to recover. Later today there was another social crisis, and I was all out of facial expressions. I think I managed to assert myself, but I really don't like those people anymore.

Blimey , what type of wake involves a pig slaughtering , that sounds like my idea of hell , it would of traumatized me.

Well, basically, it's for the funeral on the following day. They spend the night roasting the pigs, and since it's a wake, everyone's awake anyway.

I've spent a lot of time on farms, so I'm not sentimental about these things, but nobody enjoys hearing living things die, and it just sends me under.

From my point of view you seem stuck in a life you are not equipped to handle, but that might just be projecting my situation on to you. I know I wouldn't be able to handle having a family or friends. I don't have either in the physical world. People are too overwhelming to me. I stay by myself, except when I go to school. I have online friends, but none offline. Interacting with people makes me tired & irritable, except if we are working on a project & NO talking about personal stuff occurs. Once someone starts chit-chatting my mind gets hazy & I feel like am going to pass out from extreme fatigue. I make a joke saying I'm allergic to socializing, but actually think I might be.

You may be right. My capacity for socialising is much higher than yours, but I am still exhausted by this. I guess it also has something to do with age. We all become less flexible. I miss somewhere to retreat to.

The main reason I am experiencing this is because I'm a mother. My achilles heel is socialising. I'm not good at helping my kid with that, which is one of the reasons we rely on family a lot. It's the summer holidays that are the killer for me, but also the happiest time for my kid. I wish I didn't have to go, but if I don't come along I will basically be dumping my kid with family, and although they are clever socially they are less good with discipline and structure, and, quite simply, I love my kid.

Yeah, when I saw you mention you had a child, that is why I say you seem stuck in a life you are not equipped to deal with. All I can do is think what would it be like if I were a parent & it immediately makes me near panicked. No way would I let myself be stuck like that. It is bad to put it like that, because your kid exists. You can't say stuck -- it isn't right to say it once the kid exists. Now we have to figure out a way for you to cope with family events -- good & bad. This happens to be a sad event. Was there a happy event in the past you had to get through that you felt similarly overwhelmed? What did you do in that situation? Is it something you can apply now?

Truth to be told, when I started coming here I thought it was fantastic. I loved some of the big events in the beginning because it was so low pressure, I knew only a few people, and they took fantastic care of me. As long as I could smile and nod I was happy and felt included. A few WP members have mentioned the joy of having their peculiarities considered just signs of being foreign, and it was like that for me in the beginning. All of this happened before I had an inkling I might be autistic.

But once you throw kids into the equation, the stakes get higher. And because I have a knack for languages and learned the language quickly, people also believe I should understand the cultural stuff, and I never will. Even if I was NT, I'd struggle. I think I need to find myself a hideout to go to, and make a habit of escaping for a day or two. And I'm staying away from wakes and weddings with loud music.

Really, for me, it's having a relationship with so many people that is the killer. They keep bringing us gifts and I desperately try to remember who they are and which family members I should ask about.