Random act of racism

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About 3 years ago I started going to college, before that I really never had any issues with people of different races (on a rare occasion I might say something that isn't an appropriate around people in general but usually nothing worse than found in Cards Against Humanity and would make sure never to repeat the action) but on the first week there when I was talking to my friends roommate I did something very racist, to this day I still hate myself for it and still don't understand how it got to that point. My first question would be, is it possible that was some kind of meltdown? My second would be, if you are a full on racist how do live with yourself?

I'm not sure what to say so as not to say the wrong thing. Hopefully someone else will step in. Welcome here.

I don't believe someone can be a "full on racist" who reflects on his or her actions the way you do and who, honestly identifying them as such, feels remorse for them. True racists feel that their actions are justified. As far as being connected to a meltdown, it's possible. During a meltdown we lose control, and I have said some of my worst things in the process of losing it.

What exactly did you do?

Thank you for the responses! I was almost afraid that this wouldn't be seen due to it being my first post on this site but according to the time stamp on my post it's only been 30 minutes and I already have three, so it's good to know that if I have questions I have a place to go. In regards to what I did, I should have put in a statement in my post saying that I would rather not specify as to not offend anyone and the more I think about it the more likely I am to have a meltdown (so far when thinking about it I have had at least three maybe four but there were some other issues going on at the time of that one).

If you didn't want to talk about what exactly you did, then why did you make this thread in the first place?

I just wanted to know if it was possible for it to have been a meltdown if you must really know PM me and I will fill you in on the specifics.

I called somebody the N-Word when I was 10 years old. I got punched in the face. I felt bad because I sunk so low, and I felt the pain in my face.

Forgive yourself, my friend, and just don't do it again.

People make mistakes.