"I never changed, you have."

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Has anyone ever gotten this from anyone? Eg. peers, friends, family members, co workers, partner, spouse, etc.


I have gotten this several times in my life.I got it from my mother when she all of a sudden seemed to quit understanding me and getting mad at me for when I would have anxiety or be stressed out and that made it even worse for me so I acted out even more because of the stress. When I mentioned she had changed and Dad too, she said they didn't change I did. My husband has also said this to me too. One day it seemed like he was being more defiant and it was giving me anxiety and I asked him one day what was the matter with him and why had he changed and he told me "I didn't change, you did." I realize this is gaslighting people do, they will claim they never changed and you did. This is something abusers do but my parents and husband are far from being abusers and they used this line on me. What gives? Has anyone else had this happen too from non abusers?

Edit: Added a couple words

Last edited by League_Girl on 29 Nov 2017, 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

This is very common, and there is quite a bit of research in psychology related to it.

In short, most people have a strong desire to believe that their behaviour and personality are consistent, and so any evidence to the contrary results in "cognitive dissonance", which is resolved by denial and defensiveness.

A very trivial example:
A woman that I used to work with was a reader of a popular and very inconsistent newspaper here in the UK (Daily Mail). This paper is well known for the self-contradictory nature of its own articles (e.g. food X is a miracle cancer cure one week, then an incredibly toxic carcinogen the following week.) Most mornings, there would be a conversation about some story that she had read there that day. If challenged that her opinion on the subject had done a complete U-turn in the space of only a few days, she would be adamant that this was not the case, and that the current story was what she had always believed.

Another common example is when a person joins a new peer group - with a particular taste in music, for example. After a while, not only will that person say that they have always liked that music, even if they had no interest in it before, but they will actually come to believe that they had always liked it, even when there is evidence to the contrary.

I've experienced just the opposite.

I've been told, many times, that I haven't "changed enough." That I'm boring.

Man now I wonder how much of my memories are actually false and how much have I been lying? Makes me feel crazy.

Hi League_Girl, I always enjoy seeing your neat icon. It sounds like you might be showing your feelings more - acting out your stress, which can be healthy. As autistics we tend to behave like other (non-autistic) people because that is what society approves of. We learn to do this in the face of bullying and ostracism and peer reinforcement as we grow up and it gets deeply ingrained. Eventually behaving as if we're not autistic produces dissociation which builds and builds and ultimately results in an "autistic crash". There's a great article about this that increased my awareness a lot at: http://www.autismdailynewscast.com/what ... paddy-joe/

I'm trying to learn to be authentic after a lifetime of hiding my autism, but I haven't made much progress in envisioning what that would even look like. To the non-autistic people in our lives, like your mother and husband, showing our true reactions and feelings seems to bring up two things: (1) an instinctual desire to "correct" the autistic person's expression and behavior to be more "socially acceptable", and (2) a perception that the autistic person is shifting the balance of power in the relationship, which NTs work to counter. NTs naturally do this to each other in the course of social and interpersonal relationships, which is healthy for them, and it can be really hard for them to accept that the situation with the autistic person (whose condition/disability is hidden) is different and requires acceptance and understanding rather than correction and countering. Ironically, being in a long-standing relationship with family or spouses, where the status quo is ingrained, can make such acceptance even harder. And as autistics we've often been raised to accept this treatment by parents, peers, and authorities, which disempowers us.

I've also noted what was described on this thread about people's memory of what sort of music they like, etc. changing. It drives me nuts when NTs do this - they are able to change their memories (including through therapy) in light of new information and circumstances. It gets to me because it seems deeply dishonest, but that's how they are neurologically wired. The memory of many autistic people functions somewhat differently - as if the raw non-contextualized sensory experience itself as well as raw feelings are recorded. I can remember great raw sensory detail of experiences back to 2 years old and often those memories haven't even yet been fully processed as an adult. So, in my case, when I encounter an NT "changing" a memory that happen to share, I feel somewhat outraged and compelled to correct them. I also face this as an obstacle to my recovery from PTSD, because traditional therapies involve changing memories relating to the trauma, which I can't do. I don't know how many autistic people share this, but my memories play back like little very detailed movies and are the same every time even over time spans of 50+ years. I don't know how to deal with NTs changing their memories - it is healthy for them because it makes them feel better about themselves and others. But to me it seems like a denial and obscuring of reality.

This got me diagnosed with an adjustment disorder, depression, and anxiety. I did have a nervous breakdown in 6th grade and I am surprised my mom didn't tell me then "don't be Asperger's, be Beth" but she did tell me a couple years back I was trying to be an aspie then but I told her "How is that even possible if I knew nothing about it then or how it affected people?" She's given me that same accusation as an adult about me when I was in middle school so I told her "How does that even work if I didn't know what it was then?" Then she changed her answer too "When did you meet what was his name?" and I said "Frankie" and she said "That's when you started getting worse." I remember having more anxiety then but I did in junior high too. In fact I remember having anxiety when I was 15 about doing things that is Asperger's so I was trying to be the opposite and then I decided ah screw it, I want to be happy and I was happy before I knew what it even was and I wanted it to be that way again before I knew about the affects of it. I did give up trying to have friends because I had nothing in common and I couldn't relate and I found socializing boring.



Tried that too minus dressing the same way because I thought my clothes looked like everyone else. I showered and brushed my teeth and stayed clean. I was obsessed with it.



But then they will just get accused of trying to be Asperger's.

Those closest to us naturally want to be comfortable around us and want to see us doing well, including in social situations. A big problem is that autism is a hidden disability and hard for non-autistics, even many professionals, to understand, so NTs tend to want to “correct” our behavior to match that of a well-socialized NT, thinking that will allow them to achieve or restore a comfortable relationship with us, one that lacks the autistic feelings and reactions that confuse and frustrate them. And thinking that “correction” will also allow us to succeed socially and enjoy social interaction. The best that an NT person not familiar with autism or who is trying to maintain the status quo in a relationship with an adapted autistic might be able to do when we start showing our authentic feelings and stress is to say we’re getting worse or “trying to be autistic”. It’s like trying to control the condition by making us pretend to be normal, which is understandable (imagine a mother trying to prevent a small autistic child from self-injuring), but which sets us on a path that produces dissociation between our feelings and our expression and behavior. It’s not a bad or malicious impulse to “correct” in that manner, it’s how NTs teach their kids and each other how to be successful in a social world. It’s like a person who has mastered being a well-integrated NT showing an NT who is a novice how to get on a better behavioral track – it’s actually nurturing. But it creates a huge bind for autistic folks because we can’t follow the same track without ending up depressed and anxious and dissociated, pushing ourselves beyond tolerable bounds, and eventually having an autistic crash. And we tend to internalize all that “correcting” and all the positive and negative reinforcement over the years, making it very hard to release – I’m full of these and am struggling to overcome it. Gaining awareness of how my autism affects my interactions with people and how my “faking” normalcy is a monumental impediment to having authentic relationships sure helps me see my problem, but has actually focused me on the problem, rather than on just being myself. I wish I could do more like what you’re describing about being 15 and thinking “just screw it” I’ll go back to being happy rather than trying to be the opposite of Asperger’s. Maybe I can try that – just screw me second-guessing myself and all the intense self-examination and just go back to fidgeting and stimming and flowing with loving my special interests and mercilessly judging other people and their social nonsense and poorly designed environment and talking intensely and at length about issues that I find important that might make others uncomfortable or bored and wearing comfortable, unconventional, brightly-colored clothes I like… That seems to be the way through the bind and to be my authentic self – I’ve just got a ton of ingrained fear of it because of how I got treated by parents, schoolmates, peers…

My relationship with my wife got much better when she realized I had Asperger's and realized that was the reason I didn't change.

With lack of responses, I must be the odd one out.

Yes I get told I haven't changed like it's an accusation. But not that I'm boring, I only get told that my life is boring, my interests are boring, my attitude is boring, my tastes are boring, my ambitions or lack of them are boring and everything I do is boring.

I wonder if people are misunderstanding this thread because what I mean is, someone around you changes; their attitude and how they treat you and their behavior they are doing and then you point it out to them and they say "I did not change, you did."

This happened when I was in high school when all of a sudden my family started getting mad at me for being anxious and having anxiety and whenever I would get upset and they started leaving more messes and it seemed like everyone in my house got more defiant so that gave me more stress and anxiety and they said I changed, not them. If I truly changed, it was because they changed first and that reflected me so that made me change too because of the stress and anxiety they were giving me and I always act worse when under lot of stress and that seems normal for those with an ASD.

My husband knows I have money anxiety so when we were expecting our first child, he decided to start spending money when I told him we needed to save for the baby and he wouldn't listen to me and I couldn't understand why was he doing this to me and going against my wishes about our finances and I asked him what was wrong with him and why did he change and he told me I changed.

This seriously has happened nobody here?

Hi, I understand what you are saying. I was accused of changing, but in reality I was trying to be more open instead of quiet, but feels like while other people can have their feelings, when I show mine, I'm put down for it.

^ I've only experienced this once and in an online friendship. The friendship lasted a few months but in reality what was said could of been shared in one evening IRL ( although I doubt we would of talked IRL due to anxiety ) , it was a bit like talking to someone for one evening then the next day told that you changed.

I guess it depends on when someone says you have changed, they can mean it in a positive way or in a good way. But my family and husband meant it in a bad way because it was like they were saying I was never like this. I have liked clean homes since I was nine, I didn't be like that all of a sudden at age 16 and I had anxiety before age 16 and that didn't come all of a sudden and I always have been obsessed with money and a saver but that didn't come all of a sudden when I was 24 and 25. I feel when they mean it in a bad way, they do it to justify their treatment towards you.

I explained this to my husband and he said I got worse with it so he took over the finances. I explained to him we had a baby coming so I had to be prepared for the cost of having a child. It's not that I changed. Finances change when you add another person to support. Think of if someone lost their job, does that person change if they decide to cut out entertainment and cutting bills so they get rid of things like cable and Gamefly and other luxury stuff? It's no different when you add another person to support to your income or when your finances change.

I have not seen any autism parents online saying their ASD kid changed but only that they have been aggressive lately or their sensory issues have gotten worse or they have gotten depressed, etc. But I wonder if their own ASD child said to them they changed, would the autism parent say back to them "No, you have, we didn't change, you did"? This seriously has not happened to anyone on this forum? I have seen members say their autism seems to have gotten worse or that they are more relaxed so they don't make as much effort anymore to being NT. To an NT they would see that as you changing and getting worse. Everyone expects you to be your best self and keep it, not regress.

^It doesn't sound to me as if you have changed, it sounds more that the circumstances that bring your concerns over money changed. I mean if you've always been careful with money and then your getting ready to have a baby you're actions will be more careful than before so they've changed but your attitude has stayed the same, your actions have only changed because your circumstances have. I don't know anyone who didn't take more care with their money when they had a baby, they didn't change as people, they adapted to a change in their circumstances.