Are autistics mean?

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I used to read forums here and there where the kid from The Never Ending Story had Asperger's. I asked my mom what she thought about the theory and she said no, "Because he isn't mean. Autistics are mean, like you."

I had always been told I was "mean". Yes, I was aggressive because I HAD to be in order to survive. No one would do anything when I reported bullying except tell me it was MY fault. Eventually, I had figured that ANYONE who approached me had negative intentions in mind and I figured I had better have the first hand before they tried to start anything. So even if the other kid was really just asking if I wanted to play or something, I didn't want to take chances and I would hit them to make them go away and leave me alone. Some kids were smart and learned not to approach me, others weren't and even a few teachers got bit. But my mom also claims that I was a "mean baby". So even before I had to learn to defend myself, I was "mean". So are autistic people just "mean" as a general part of being autistic.

Actually, most autistic people are not "mean."

There are "mean" autistic people, and "mean" non-autistic people.

Whoever says "being mean" is part of being autistic is talking through his/her butt.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 06 Feb 2018, 10:14 am, edited 1 time in total.

Does that thread still exist ? what was the consensus ?

Some probably are, but I think that autistic people are mostly just more misunderstood than average people. If one of us does something that an NT doesn't like and he/she can't figure out with his/hers NT logic why we're doing it then it's not that weird if they come to the conclusion that we do it just to be mean.

I don’t think autistic people are mean as a rule. Some of them may be, but most surely aren’t, just like NTs. Some may be considered rude for saying inappropriate stuff, but I wouldn’t consider it mean if it was done without realizing that it is rude.

As for your aggressive behaviors, I was like that too as a child. I thought everyone hated me, so I was always defensive. I was bad with arguing, so when I got angry I lashed out physically, because I got far too nervous to speak coherently and express my frustrations verbally. As a consequence, most of my childhood memories are about fights, being scolded, getting grounded and being put in time-out. As a baby I might have been considered “mean” because I would always cry non-stop for most of the night. Now my parents know I had GI issues, but back then they thought I was just an extremely annoying baby who never shut up. Also, I began having aggressive behaviors before I turned 3, so I was half a baby and already considered “mean”. So I’m don’t know about mean autistic adults, but autistic children I think are only aggressive when they feel attacked and vulnerable. They are having a far harder time than the people they hit.

I think some are just like how some NTs are mean. Sometimes people are mean because of a disorder they have and there are people who are just mean and have nothing wrong with them, they are just mean. One can have a disorder and still be mean but they are just mean people not because of their disorder.

I wouldn't describe autistic people as mean. We tend to be accused of being mean when we defend ourselves against bullies. We get tired of teachers never doing anything about bullies and so we find ourselves telling off the bullies and for some of us, it got physical. I wanted to hit my bullies, but I knew I would be the one who got suspended if I did. My brother got punished for defending me against one of my bullies. He was moved to another table in the cafeteria, but my bully wasn't.

I think there is no such thing as a "bad" baby. A baby is not capable of being mean or nasty, if a baby never stops crying, then probably have a issue going on like a food allergy or colic. If a baby acts mean, they have no malicious behind it. My son was also an aggressive baby and would scratch me and grab at my skin but it was always an accident. I doubt he was trying to hurt me when he was grip onto me. I often has socks on his hands because of it and always took them off when ever he was on the floor playing or in his walker or exersaucer so e could use them to explore with and develop. He head butted me too a few times but that was also an accident and I doubt an infant is aware how painful that is. It always shocks me when anyone assumes there is malicious behind it so they paint the infant as evil and as someone who is just out to make your life miserable. I think there are difficult babies and aggressive ones and easy ones but no such thing as a bad one. I would just tell a kid they were just a tough baby because they never stopped crying due to being colic or because it turned out they were allergic to my milk or to the formula I was using or because they were aggressive or rough but never say they were terrible or bad or mean. Those three words imply intent and there is no intent for a baby. They are too young to even understand so how would it even be possible?

I sometimes think adults give their kids too much credit but I also think we sometimes don't give them enough.

Yeah I have seen aggressive toddlers but I doubt they know what they are doing and they just don't know how to play or handle their emotions and deal with conflict. My son was one of these kids. My youngest brother was also a hitter and my mom could never get him to quit hitting his brother so she told my brother she has her permission for him to hit him every time he hits him. So he started doing it back to him every time and he stopped. I was also an aggressive toddler but only because I couldn't talk and I didn't know how to communicate non verbally so I used aggression and I did it when I was frustrated too and had hurt feelings. I also bit and scratched my mother when she had my baby brother and she realized I was feeling neglected and getting hurt feelings so I was just showing her how I feel so she started giving me undivided attention. She even says I tried to kill my brother once but I find that hard to believe because how can a three year old know putting a pillow over a baby is going to suffocate them? I didn't even watch TV to see it gets a human to stop screaming and moving. She did say she didn't think I knew he would be gone forever but I did want him dead but didn't know he would always be dead. I still find it hard to believe. Kids that young know nothing about death so it wouldn't be possible for them to try and kill someone intentionally. My son nearly pushed me down the stairs when I was pregnant and I scolded him but I doubt he was trying to kill his baby sister or that he even wanted me to fall or otherwise he would have just given me a real push than just nudging me and I nearly lost my balance because I was pregnant.

Most of my training in "do not hit" probably came from my older sister, but I was also concerned about being abandoned by my parents if I ever acted in anger. It sounds as if you are fortunate to sometimes still be approached by people who have kind intentions. If you don't make an effort to distinguish them, they will become fewer and fewer, and you will probably die in jail.

Some autistic people are mean, some aren't, just like NTs. When I was a kid I'm sure most people thought I didn't have a mean bone in my body. I was not aggressive, violent or generally rude. But not long before my diagnosis as an adult my anxiety was at an all-time high and my emotional outbursts got much more frequent and severe. I also remember one person asking how I could be gentle and patient with animals and not people, and shortly after my diagnosis someone else wanted to know how such a horrible and hostile person like myself was capable of drawing cute and friendly-looking cartoons.

Well for one thing animals are completely non-judgemental, and second drawing cute cartoons helped me to cope or escape from the harshness of reality. That should be obvious to anyone with half a working brain.

Oh wait, did that sound mean?

Oh dear, OP. The mean one in that exchange was definitely your mother.

Your mom was talkin' some crazy s**t.

Being mean is not a part of being autistic. Some autistics are mean, but that's just because of who they are, not because of their autism. And some might seem mean because of their social difficulties, but be caring at heart. You don't seem mean to me.

That sounds a little mean of your mom, honestly. I think people who aren't very socially aware (like many autistics) can be mean unintentionally, but only because they don't understand how their words and actions are coming across. That's different from people who know they're being hurtful and want a reaction.

My mother always told me that I am a horrible, unkind person. Everybody at school always said that I am a really sweet and lovely person. In fact, I was being 'sweet and lovely' because my mother has made me believe that I am an awful person who is always unkind to everybody, and I didn't want to hurt anyone or make them upset.

Moral of the story: just because somebody (even your mother) says that you are mean, it is not necessarily true. Please don't listen to her. If you start to believe what she tells you, you will have a whole lot of problems.
Good luck.

People on the spectrum can be mean, even to each other but that is largely due to lack of social awareness. The rigid honesty and inability to see grey areas can make us seem obtrusive and hostile, even dismissive of other people's feelings. By the time I left College I had the reputation of being a b***h and it was something I definitely didn't do on purpose because I thought myself to be quiet a nice person.

In all honesty though, the amount of social and emotional awareness I have gained in the past couple of years feels stifling. I am not even able to camouflage as I used to because it all became a bit much.

We have nothing to prove to the wider world and at the end of the day we live for ourselves but I'd say learning certain things for the people we love and truly care about can be really helpful. I dislike the idea we can't learn we just shouldn't stretch ourselves thin for others