getting angry because of vague demands and statements

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I get really angry when someone makes a vague statement or describes a demand in a way that I can't possibly understand.
Like I was told to tide up "the table(s)" for dinner. I didn't know which table or tables where meant. We have three. two in the TV room and one in the living room. So I got kind of obsessed about WTF I'm ought to do and asked for clarification. The answers made me really angry. I asked "which table should I tidy, the one in the living room or the others?" the answer was: "THE table" I asked again and the answer was "the (self)same table" or the "said table" or something, like i am able to read minds. I got angry, said nothing and got asked a million times what's wrong with me and at the end I said what's my problem and I suppose everyone hates me now.

I get this all the time. Like I was at a rehab sort of place, they gave me a Task (it had to do with technical drawing) and didn't give me any useful instruction. I did it as I thought it should be done and they say all wrong and I have to do it again, this time giving me the needed instruction (which I could never ever possibly have known). They could have give me the instruction 3 days earlier, as I was working on that for 3 days and there was no way for me to know how it's done correctly. This kind of stuff drives me literally mad.

I am literally very allergic to vague statements that I can't figure out. and if I complain everyone says it was totally obvious and makes me feel like I'm a complete idiot. And in the case of my family, they start hating and punishing me with coldness and avoiding.

Am I doing something wrong? I mean I can't read minds. And how people make me feel make me really really angry and depressed and I sometimes really want to die because of it. The problem is I can resolve the problem in my head and keep obsessing about how I could have done better or why I'm such a ret*d and why everyone hates me because of the way I am, and right now, I literally think hell would be a nicer place than how I'm feeling right now.

And obviously, I apparently don't even have the right to suffer silently, they keep bombarding me with questions until I say what my problem is and then they hate me because I'm so sensitive or whatever.

Yes it is very aggravating. Since I am already in trouble for not understanding them, I usually get "passive aggressive" and ignore them. If I am feeling feisty I get defiant and say "No". That sets the stage for a proper argument about them being vague with me. It is probably a stupid way to deal with it, but at least I have a system that keeps me sane...

Yep, I think I know exactly what you mean. I've pretty much learned how to avoid it, but still, there's gonna be people in life, who do that.

Right now, one of my bosses is like that. First-of-all, he's extremely hyper----that's ONE strike against him, right there, cuz I have ADHD, and I'm trying to be calm, and then he comes-around with his hyper self, and makes me hyper. Then, he seems to think that just because a sound came out of his face, that everyone who walks the planet, should be able to understand him, because HE understands him (LOL), or something. Whenever I ask him a question about what he just said, he isn't mean or anything, but he always seems to have a look on his face that says "I just told you what I want you to do, why don't you get that?". Also, there's people who seem to think that every time I ask a question, that I'm challenging their knowledge, or something----like, I'm gonna tell them they're wrong----thank goodness my boss isn't like that, TOO!!

So, all I can tell you is, we are ALWAYS going to run into people like that, I guess----I mean, look it..... I'm old enough to be your mother, and I'M still experiencing it----but, all we can do, is our best, and hope for the best!! I know that's not much of a consolation----but, I'm afraid that's just the way life is.

I feel your "pain" (for real).

Thank you for your comments. Really. I was kind of 100% sure there is a problem on my side and I'm being just crazy and what the other people do is just the correct way of stuff being done. Didn't occur to me that it could be an issue on their part. Just talked to someone in real life and she said the same thing as you people said, like that it's possibly not even my fault, and she even said it could be totally unrelated to asperger's and that it's rather a problem of the people who talk or behave vaguely.
Anyways, thank you a lot.

...Oh .

You're quite welcome----and, try to always keep that in mind (as I try to), that it just might be the other person; we got enough stuff makin' us feel stupid and insecure, at times, we don't need MORE! (wink)

That happens to me all the time.
You get to a certain age (and pay grade), and people don't get that you might need to ask questions just to clarify something, or get it straight in your head. You ask a question and they think you're criticising their way of doing things and get all defensive.
This aspect of ASD, the need to ask questions to clarify intent or expectations, is the main reason why I'll never be a manager.

Edited to add: I guess that doesn't help with the original query. But what might help to know is that, even having the same problems you have, I've managed to maintain employment for most of my life and am doing OK in my specialist field. So don't let it get you down, just keep working and developing your skills.

Just curious..... Why do you think you'll never be a manager? I've been told several times that I'm a good manager (and, I've been a teacher even more often----and, that's like a manager [someone in charge - an authoritarian], and I've been told several times I'm a good teacher)----I don't see any reason why you couldn't be a good manager----if that's what you WANT to be; or, did you say that because you think they would never promote you cuz, in their mind, you're trouble?

Hm, it's hard to explain.

When I was younger, I used to see myself progressing to management levels. Probably because there are so many managers out there who are basically incompetent, and I used to think I'd do a better job of it.

I got to a point where I was heading in that direction - I was supervising younger engineers - but it didn't work out too well. Supervising was OK but heading towards management level there was increasing demand to do things like meetings with clients, spruiking the company's services, that kind of thing. Something about the way I speak or interact with people doesn't engender confidence, and clients who met me for the first time tended to think me incompetent.

My bosses always stood up for me, because they knew I was actually very competent, on a technical level. But the fact was, it wasn't helping the business any. Eventually the penny dropped and I realised that the best way forward for me was to become a technical specialist and steer clear of management. And when I realised I was on the autism spectrum (only last year), it all made sense, and now I'm sure I made the right decision.

In some ways, I still think I'm more competent than a lot of managers out there, and things can get difficult when I'm being told what to do by people who are younger and less experienced than myself. I try to be patient with them and myself and accept the way things are, because the fact is, it's not enough to be competent in a strategic and logical way, if the social deficits from ASD are not letting me demonstrate that effectively in a management situation.

You were asked to tidy the "table for dinner" - the one needed for serving the meal.

The current counselor told me that if she said "move the stool to the corner", that is a "miscommunication" because there were two stools and four corners

Same with your three tables

What you could do is tidy up all three tables

Yeah well because of some "miscommunication" someone fired me

Almost every "miscommunication" harms me. Almost zero "miscommunications" harm the other party

That is the problem

This.

You could safely assume that she meant "the dinner table". She probably meant "clear the dinner table" (take off all of the crap like newspapers, and smartphones, and stuff that isn't plates and cutlery off the table". The only puzzling thing is why she didn't just say "SET the table" ( not only clear off the stuff extraneous to serving food, but have you actually put the dishes and cutlery on-while she does other task- cooking).

Yeah, I hear ya on the "when I was younger" thing----when I was a kid (20s), I thought I was all that, and a bag of chips!! LOL

I also hear ya about having managers younger than you. I already had one degree when I joined the military, and so you can imagine the adjustment when these silly lieutenants were giving me orders----but, one adjusts or sinks; ya know what I mean!

I also understand about supervising the "kids" (I was an engineer, as well). What helped me, was to speak to them in their own language----for instance: I had a "kid" come-in dressed really nicely..... Well, one doesn't dress nicely, in our field, IMO..... I said I needed him to run the cables under the floor, that day, and he said: "I can't do that----these are my good shoes!"----I said: "Well, nobody told you to come in here, all stylin'" (meaning, ATT, "dressed nicely"); he was quite ticked-off, but he did it (he took off his shoes LOL).

I'm thinking one of the things that is most important, when talking to people----and, this is really difficult for most Aspies (I've failed miserably at it, myself, once-in-awhile)----is that we really LISTEN to a person, and meet them at their level, if you know what I mean. I'm not putting them down----like, that I think I'm better than them----I just mean, try to put ourselves in their shoes. One of the things that I've heard most often, when I've been a teacher, is: "You really get people" (LOL). It was always all-I-could-do to not LOL at them, cuz I thought "If you only knew...".

The confidence thing has got me into alot of trouble, as well----but, because, it seems, that people perceive me as "really confident", I think. Again, if they only knew----I'm just one who believes-in "never let 'em see you sweat!". On the INSIDE, I was feeling like I was gonna have a heart attack, maybe, cuz I was so nervous----but, on the outside, I was sellin' it (apparently - cuz of how people seem to be intimidated by me, or something; I think it's also my military bearing [I have been told, to-this-day, that I still have it]).

With the meetings and things----again, I meet people at their level. Because I've had so many extremely varied experiences, I can "meet" most people, I think. I have an education, I've been poor, I've had money, I've been to 3 continents, I've been to a trade school, I've had fears, I've had confidence, I've been a leader, I've been a subordinate..... Those things give me alot of, sort-of, "relating power", or whatever. I totally understand someone struggling to "reach", if they HAVEN'T had all those experiences----but, I'm thinking if we just stop and give people some thought, there should be something about them to which we can relate.

When I first started teaching (I've never taught kids----well, I taught Sunday School----but, I mean, professionally), I found-out something about the person, so I could put computers in THEIR language (I was a computer engineer); and, lemme tell ya, it was challenging cuz I taught everybody from high school dropouts to felons and addicts----but, at the core, we humans are not that different; so, I just looked for that.

Oh, good----I'm glad you're happy with your decision!!

Yeah, in whatever business (I've done Retail, as well), one has to find a balance between business and people. I felt I detected, early on, that the best managers were the ones who were equally balanced between the two----some are more people-oriented, some are more business-oriented----and, obviously it's extremely laborious for an Aspie, but I did the time (meaning, I put-in the work, to pay attention to people - to learn about my employees), so my "crimes" (when I did my people or the business, wrong) were kept to a minimum..... when I was having a really good day!! LOL

Anyway----sorry for the book, y'all.....