Difference between Asperger and Covert Narcissism?

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What's the difference?
I know somebody who fits to both description and I can't decide if he is intentionally trying to make me miserable or really incapable to understand how relationships work.
I am very patient and tolerant but after 8 years I'm getting tired that he is not willing to at least try to understand that relating is not a one way street.

I'd rather not give examples of his behavior as I don't want to influence answers. Please if you reply, just think of your own experience or your own thoughts.
Thanks in advance.

Does it matter? If their behavior is toxic and it's hurting you and they are not trying to make any effort, that is all that matters and it's time to leave them. Trying to accept someone and just assume they have autism and assume they can't help it causes you more harm.

one is a diagnosis (due to genetic)
the other is a personality (may be due to education)

Chances are that an asperger, who is gifted and has loving parents, becomes narcissist at one point because the parents may compensate the delusion due to the handicap of their child with too much praising the gifts.

But social barriers would sooner or later break any germ of narcissism.

A person can be autistic and have a personality disorder, like letti says you might be born with autism, but your environment could have factors which develop covert narcissism.
If the chap isn't treating you well be it intentional or unintentional it has the same negative impact on your health and wellbeing. It's a situation where you might need space away from this person.
These older threads have good descriptions plus personal experiences.
viewtopic.php?f=3&t=268590&start=30

https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=340474

^This. Also, while they might appear outwardly as similar, the inward motivation of those two types are almost opposite. Autistic people may lack cognitive empathy, knowing what is appropriate to say and do for another person, but they usually have typical or above average emotional empathy, feeling what another is feeling with them. Often that translates to too many mirror neurons firing in a situation, caring too much, but having a hard time expressing it in the right words.

Narcissists lack emotional empathy so they don't feel what others feel, but they do have good cognitive empathy so they are able to read a situation and say the right thing. This can sometimes come across as the slick personality where everything sounds good but there is underlying manipulation because they don't fear making someone feel badly.

It's possible to be both, I suppose.

It sounds as if you have been waiting patiently and tolerantly for him to change. I suggest next time you pick someone that you like the way they are. Nobody gets with a partner in the hope the partner will change them, they hope to be accepted for the person they are.

I agree with everthing starcats said.

Aspergers and Narcissism may appear to be the same on the surface. You will have to look deeper for the true answers.
Look at Onision (youtuber) not a bad person, but a narcissist.

Someone with Aspergers may feel their abilities are superior to others, and may have very high standards for themselves and hold others to those same high standards, even being very disappointed when others fail to live up to them.

If you've discussed the issues multiple times, stating clearly what you are unhappy with and wish to have improved and the change has not happened, it may infact be time to leave. [You will need to be blatently clear, do not muddy the truth with insinuation or sugar coat it either.]

I suggest next time don't jump into conclusions too fast.
My question was about the difference not about how to pick a partner.

So some things overlap in terms of both types of narcissism and aspergers; that being said people with covert narcissism aren't 'just like' people with aspergers. Regardless of if he has aspergers though, it's not an excuse if you have treated someone badly, especially after the issue(s) have been addressed. Being manipulative, and cruel in general, that's not part of having aspergers; that's a choice, and there's no excuse. I'm not sure how much you know about covert narcissism, but generally speaking you tend not to know someone is one till later on down the line, when you feel like you're going insane and don't understand the situation and start questioning everything. They can seem like the nicest people even, but they aren't. They're extremely manipulative, only want you around for narcissistic supply, would replace you in a heartbeat, and are generally cruel and self serving. They usually have this false image of themselves that they show to everyone, and nothing is ever their fault. Some learn to apologize to make the problem 'go away' though. They also have a high opinion of themselves; but they can come off as though they have a low opinion of themselves instead. Coverts are the type that thinks they are great and yet don't know why the world doesn't see them as such.

If you have been with this person that long, I'm telling you whatever it is, neither is an excuse. If they aren't treating you right, you shouldn't be with them. People with aspergers can learn a lot in regards to socialization and how to handle things, people with covert narcissism; they generally stay that way. They aren't good people, neither are regular manipulators. Don't make up excuses for this person, it will weigh on you mentally, until you feel like you can't go back to whoever you once were; speaking from experience. I have come across more than one covert, also if someone is an a**hole in general, that's not an asperger thing, it just has nothing to do with anything.

I doesn't help that you haven't described how this person acts, not sure how we're supposed to help you if we aren't in the know. If you are really concerned, you should be researching this, since you wont actually tell us what's happening, we can't help you much.

Last edited by Seraphiel on 24 Apr 2018, 11:10 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Don't be snotty. People are trying to help you here.

Thank you for the answers. A lot to think about but I think I will have to move on as I do think he is playing mindgames.

Yes, I know, without examples it's hard to help but the examples I could give are up t personal interpretation and knowing the whole history of our friendship. I don't really see the point of giving some examples when I can't give the whole picture.

But I do appreciate that you guys took the time and reply to my question.

This topic has already been covered extensively, see below.

Thank you.