Aspergers - Wanting to fit in with 'normal' people

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I get frustrated when I try to fit with other so-called 'normal' people and I still at times feel like I'm a weirdo subconsciously whether it be at work with customers or on my days off in public and think that they know I must be weird. I then feel low and angry at myself and those people who misunderstand me, but obviously not to their faces.
I can't understand why even some people at school, college or uni didn't approach me, befriend me and always leave me alone, Why was that ? Did they know I was weird ? Why didn't they want to approach me, and be friends with me ?
I feel quite jealous of some people I knew from school who have more social lives than mine, one of them I know of who also 28 is playing in band, going to gigs, has lots of tattoos, in a relationship, works full time as an engineer and seen photos going out with mates having a drink and a laugh and so on, I think why am I not close friends with him ? I must be boring and he's more popular than me and has a more enjoyable life than mine. I feel like I'm missing out on some things that he does even though I enjoy listening to bands, I hardly ever been to gigs because I would be always on my own if I did so it seems pointless in going on your own, I have no tattoos because I don't know where I would want them and regret it afterwards, still single and I work but only part time but still get pressured to find more full time work and more hours which does my head in.

This is going to sound wierd but many people NT or ASD are living similar unsocial lives. I am NT and ate lunch alone through hs and college. I tried numerous things to try to make friends.. Various clubs, religious groups, camping groups.. Ive probably made a 100+ attempts in my life. My lowest point in college after not being accepted by the members of a club i went home and cried.

These are the only two things that brought me acceptance:

#1 board game and comics / anime groups
These are on meetup.com and there are board game conventions everywhere now. There are comic book stores where the socially outcasted people like myself go to roll dice over dungeons and dragons, play magic the gathering or more mainstream games. Especially in my younger years this was the only way i could make friends.

#2 lifting weights and improving my appearance
I was an ugly duckling which is why people would avoid me and not engage me in interaction. Braces, contacts and lifting weights since the age of 17 have gotten me more friends and romances than anything else in my life. I dont know how realistic this is going to be for the average person. I treated bodybuilding like a second job and have even run those extra "supplements" before. This plus listening to many many self help cds and books such as How To Win Friends and Influence People have afforded me a life that i wanted.

I totally relate but I remind myself when I get these feelings of mine that these people are not aspies and therefore have more energy for things such as working fulltime, going out, having a relationship and lots of friends but that doesn't mean their life is any better. A lot of NTs are very unhappy but we only see the surface. I once knew a very popular guy who was completely messed up privately and none of his friends were actually "real friends". I find that NTs are very often too busy playing some kind of social game that I don't think is as common for us to do which means we may get more lonley but the few friends we meet along the way become close friendships rather than another person in our evergrowing group of fake friends.

But anything is possible really, one of my aspie friends even goes to parties and lives a pretty "normal" life apart from getting easily exhausted and needing to rest which most NTs do not unless they have some kind of condition. Most of my aspie friends are much more introverted though, like myself, but they don't mind it.

Honestly we should just learn to accept ourselves first of all because that is where happiness begins, with self-acceptance. From there we can figure out what makes us (not other people) happy and form our lives around that. It's definietely a process though and it's only natural to feel envious of other people now and then but we should remind ourselves that nobody has a perfect life and that regardless of who you are you can be happy because different things makes different people happy. It's pretty useless to compare yourself to a group of people you do not function the same way as instead of finding the best way of life for yourself and the person that YOU are.

Also a lot of people go on vibes, that is why we say "I got a bad/good feeling about that person" which is why everything starts within with our attitude towards life and ourselves which makes us come off as either negative or positive. People generally don't approach negative people.

There are a variety of different individuals in this world. Aspies only make up a small part of the population. One might divide people into introverts and extroverts. Around 50 percent of the people in the world are introverts and the other 50 percent extroverts. This distinction derives from where they get their energy from to recharge. An introvert charges their batteries by being alone. An extrovert charges their batteries by being in a group. An extrovert bounce off one person and then another and then another and after awhile they become fully charged. In general introverts like being introverts and extroverts like being extroverts. If you place an introvert in a party setting they feel undue pressure and afterwards strongly desire to be alone for awhile to recharge their batteries. The same is true for extroverts. Deprive an extrovert from people and they go insane.

I am an Aspei and my wife is a NT. I am an extreme introvert and I am happy being an introvert. My wife is an extreme extrovert and she is happy being an extrovert. It is important for me to allow her to be the best extrovert she can be. If I lock her away in a house and restrict her from developing new friendships, I will break her. So it is important for me to encourage and expand her social network. When we moved into a new housing development, none of our new neighbors came by for a visit. I could see that they were all waiting for someone else to break the ice. So when I got home from work each day I would take my wife in tow and walk over to a neighbor and knock on their door and introduce us and invite them over for a cup of coffee. About half of our neighbors were glad to meet us and they immediately invited us in for a chat. They became instant friends. This may sound like a strange thing for an introvert to do. But I am fearless but my wife is not and besides I didn’t really need to socialize, I just needed to introduce ourselves and then stand back and let my wife do all the talking.

So I guess it all boils down to who you want to make friends with. Introverts do not socialize like extroverts. If you want to socialize with an introvert - they are very similar to you and are around half the worlds population - just find out where they hang out when they are not at home and join them and be patient. If you want to socialize with extroverts, bring an extrovert along and be content sitting in the corner for awhile until someone notices you and pulls you into their conversations.

I guess the second point is be fearless.

How about learning to play an instrument so that you could play in a band? You may find that you have enough energy to practice, even after a stressful half day at work. I find that even after a tough day at the office, I still have energy to work in my garden at home for a few more hours!

Personally,we as Aspies should not be trying to fit in with NT's.We are a vastly different people than NT's.Now,I used to get upset when NT's exclude me and not willing to become my friend or even try to get to know me,but now,I realize that Aspies and NT's are vastly different people.We don't understand NT's and NT's don't understand us .I say don't worry about what NT's think and learn how to accept yourself as a Aspie. I see not point to try to fit in with NT(not Autistic/Aspie people) becasue we function a lot differently than them and we are overall vastly different than them.

All the posts above say self-acceptance is important, and that is true. However, there might be things you do that unintentionally offend, irritate or scare others, and that you could change if you simply knew what they are.

I'll give you an example. An Aspie of my (online) acquaintance writes a blog that is quite interesting. He complains that he can't get a job. I think the blog could be a portfolio piece, and maybe he is even using it as such. The blog is 95% appropriate, but frequently he mentions his hemorrhoids or states where the public restrooms are and whether they are clean, fancy, etc. I mentioned this to him one time but he never picked up on it. You wouldn't put stuff like that in a job application, and if you are using your blog as part of your work portfolio, you shouldn't mention it there either. I suspect (though we have never met) that he may also mention hemorrhoids and toilets in social conversation.

It's a simple thing that I assume he could correct if he wanted to. There may be faux pas (social no-no's) that you commit without realizing it, also. If you could get a good NT friend or family member to help you with this, maybe it could make things go better for you.

Don't try to be someone you are not for other people. That is being a sheep, conforming to other people. If you would succeed at masking your autistic traits and quirks and would fit in, you wouldn't be your true self. Would you be happy? No. Accept yourself, be yourself and it might be lonely, but just think that you don't have to conform or get hurt on a daily basis. If you constantly compare to NT people, you constantly get confronted with things you can't do, please stop doing that. You have different qualities, look for them and develop them. Search for people like you, with the same interests and social awkwardness. One good friend is better than 10 acquaintances.

- Stop comparing yourself to NT's.
- Accept yourself.
- Don't conform.
- Search for people who are like you, instead of trying to change to fit in.

Good luck!

The more I see what's "normal" for other people the less I want to fit in.
"Normal" is just another word for "boring"!