Relationship Advice - Ex's Surname

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Hi,

I've been in a relationship with this person for a few months.. they have been single for 1 and half years.. they split from their ex they was married to for 3 years.. they kept their ex's last name and I was fine with it when we first started dating but I feel like after a few months it's surely right now you are moving on with someone else to change your last name back to your maiden name?

Bare in mind this person works at the same place as their ex, and apparently their work colleagues are saying to the ex that it's weird they kept the ex's last name 1 and half years later

The ex spoke to the person's mum in the shop the other day to ask them to change it as it's weird etc and work colleagues are saying it's weird they are not over them etc.. which triggered off my Aspergers meltdown and made me ask them to change it as I was paranoid I was an idiot everyone was laughing thinking that it's weird they kept their ex's last name and they are not over their ex..

The person I'm in a relationship with says they want to keep their ex's surname because they prefer it better to their maiden name.. and I'm being childish/silly as it's just a surname etc..

but my argument is if "it's just a surname" like they said, and you are truly over your ex and love the person you are with that you would do it to prove to them and everyone else you are over your ex? it's bad enough they work at the same place still (which is weird in itself) and they constantly text me about their ex coming on the same unit as them kissing another person etc and listening to the person's mum keep praising the ex and on friendly terms when I'm at their house..



What should I do? I find it a lot of baggage and frankly too much hassle.. it's causing me to have major meltdowns and not helping my AS



Is it time to call it quits? maybe other people people could cope with the situation above but I find it too much especially when they work at the same place and mum sees the person's ex at shop and speaks of the ex infront of me.. You should be more sensitive and considerate infront of me surely I don't need that!? it's like they are not over them.. and just using me for a person to do things with etc.

This person doesn't have AS/Autism



thanks for advice

It's up to the individual to determine what surname they use -- within legal limits, of course.

Your lady friend has every right to retain her married name.

I don't think it is weird she still works at the same place as her ex. A job is a job, she must have things she likes about it, or maybe it is not in her plans to look for a different one at this time.

It doesn't concern me that her ex still talks to her mother. If they had a good relationship before, there is no reason to stop now. It also doesn't concern me that the ex wishes your lady friend should change her surname.

You say you think your lady friend "should" consider your feelings in this matter and change her name, get a different job, and insist that her mother stop speaking to the ex. I say you "should" stop expecting these things, they paint you as insecure and controlling and frankly if I were the lady friend, I wouldn't have stayed around this long.

Maybe this is an incompatibility thing. Not every relationship works.

There are often benefits to working at the same job year after year. Seniority, or being there longer, often gives you an advantage is choosing vacation days. Some jobs actually give you more days off the longer you have been there. I get six weeks of paid days off each year.

I agree with Fnord and BeaArthur that your partner (or girlfriend/boyfriend or whatever label is used to describe the relationship) is under no obligation to change their surname. There are plenty of reasons why a person might choose to keep an ex’s last name, many of which have nothing to do with feelings about the ex. Changing one’s last name should also not be a requirement for proving commitment to a current relationship.

I do think it is odd for your partner to be constantly texting and talking to you about their ex, particularly if the focus is on the ex kissing other people. That is the sort of fixation that potentially (but not definitely) suggests that someone is still not over their prior relationship. And it would be fair to point out this concern to your partner and to discuss it with them. But you should keep the focus specifically on the dynamics that most clearly and unambiguously raise concerns. You should also explain why you feel hurt by those behaviors. It is counterproductive to make the argument about decisions that can easily be attributed to something other than feelings about an ex (e.g., working in the same office, deciding to keep an ex’s last name) or to make demands that, as Bea notes, would make you seem controlling (e.g., asking your partner to change jobs, insisting on a last name change, wanting your partner and her mother to stop talking to the ex). That just gives the partner to chance to change the discussion into one about your behaviors instead of about their own. If you aren’t satisfied with your partner’s answers after an honest conversation, then it would be reasonable to consider ending the relationship.

It is completely up to her what name she chooses. It is also completely up to her how she relates to her ex husband. If you don't like it, you can stop dating her. If you are casually dating her, you don't have the right to ask her to change these things. If you are at a point where you both have decided to get married, then you can revisit those things and make mutual decisions on them. But for now, if she is just a person you are casually dating, if you don't like these things, that is just too bad. Sorry to be so blunt but it's really not up to you to decide these things for her.