It's them vs. it's me

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I see a lot of threads started by people here at WP that say "this is how I was treated, isn't this terrible?" I also see a lot of threads that start "I am a failure at everything and also have been and always will be."

In my mind, neither of these is a very helpful way of looking at something that troubles you.

One approach blames everyone else, the other approach blames you. I realize this kind of thinking is something autistics tend to do - black and white, never a shade of grey. But as we grow into adulthood and into fully realizing who we are meant to be, we need to gain a little nuance in how we view these social snafus - whether they involve a job, a family member, a potential life partner, or just someone we casually interact with in a public domain.

How can we get forum members to take that second look and drop the black-and-white perception filter? Or is this something they have to do on their own, someday - at their own pace and when ready - or perhaps, never?

I think some Aspies can see the big picture, while it is likely that some will never be able to see the big picture. May just be how our brains are wired.

Great questions. We can try to be good examples & keep the lines of communication open. I do believe everyone is on their own journey. I like to examine my own experience & see where I might be committing the same cognitive errors. It’s amazing what our human brains cook up to make sense of a senseless experience.

Good questions. I don't have answers. I know when I'm upset about something and my wife thinks I'm failing to see that it's something other than a black and white issue, she'll tell me. Depending on the issue and how I feel about it, I'll see her side of it and adjust my perception of the issue. Other times, if I feel a very strong conviction about whatever it is, I will stick to my black and white thinking without wavering.

Rather than an ASD thing, blaming someone else for our own faults, mistakes, shortcomings, weaknesses, choices or random acts of fate seems to be innate to the human species. Adam blamed Eve. Eve blamed the serpent....

There's an old blues song by Blind Willie Johnson that I like and it's been covered by other bands through the years: Nobody's Fault But Mine. I try to live my that motto and "check myself" when I feel like playing the blame game. I try hard to teach my kids to take responsibility for their own actions rather than try to blame someone else.



He was blinded as a child by his step mother who purposely threw lye in his eyes.

I can resist posting my favorite cover of the song because the message bears repeating and...who can resist a hurdy-gurdy?

I tend to be the it's all my fault type, bearing in mind I am the only common denominator in all of my experiences.

When your past experiences of a certain part of life have all turned put with a negative result after 3 decades of being alive. Then, what other conclusion is there? Bad luck?

Trying to see shades of grey wears me out. I can do it, but it costs a ton of spoons and recovery time.

But wouldn't you rather assess reality correctly than incorrectly?

I assess each situation individually, but I often ask for feedback, especially in social situations. Specifically, not knowing if something should be taken literally, or if there is a hidden meaning involved.

I think its all very well thinking that you should aim for the grey by thinking it all over. But if you get caught up in that it becomes a nightmare of its own and you cant make decisions any longer. I think I was better off when I was more forcefully black n white. Im stuck in analysis paralysis pretty much all the time now.

I think that we tend to compartmentalize a lot and that makes it harder. If we can expand or overlap the compartments a bit in order to fit nuances a little better, that might help.

Good questions.

Am still struggling with that myself late in life. If there is a problem is it all me? Or is it all the other person/people? Or is it some combination of both? Usually its the last. Have too many trains of thought about it. Will hafta to get back to you later.Lol!

In any argument, as the cliche goes, there's one viewpoint; there's another viewpoint; and there's the truth right in between those two viewpoints.

We are, very often, our own worst enemy.

I believe it is good to strive towards relative objectivity----relative "grayness."

It's also good to seek to consider other's takes on situations, and not to dismiss them out of hand.

I don't always succeed in this----but this is what I strive to do.

The first third of my life, I assumed it was all my fault. The second third, I was more inclined to blame "them." In this last third, I am coming to understand that there is much that I have to learn, but I stick up for myself when I have a conflict.

Maybe it does take time then.

I prefer thinking in colour as a term rather than seeing shades of grey.

Something happened in my mid 20s that made me realise quite suddenly that other people don't see absolute truth the way I saw it and I remember saying to the person whom is had serious discussions with about those subjects that I could now see in colour.

Although as has been said in this thread already, I miss my assurance and dogged determination. I feel less certain at times about things I should be certain about.