Married to a man on the spectrum

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I am a 32 year old woman and have been with my husband for 9 years. He has just been formally diagnosed with ASD. He is very high functioning. To me he was always different and I find that this diagnoses brings a lot of "aha" moments when reviewing our relationship and the challenges we have faced. He is working with an amazing therapist and as much as he is completely shocked by this diagnoses I am so relieved. Not because he is on the spectrum, but because now I know that behaviours he has are a part of his make up and not because he is "just being an ass". I have had an assessment myself and I am very much NT. We are complete opposites. I really need to know how best to work with him and understand how his mind works. Recently we have been explaining to each other how we process thought / emotions etc and he cannot believe that everyone doesn't think the same way he does. Can anyone offer me advise on AS/NT relationships. I adore my husband and all I want is to make our relationship the best it can be. Because this diagnosis is so new he is not sure how to handle it, and honestly he is ashamed of it. How can I help him understand that it is not something to hide? That it is not something that makes me think any less of him.

First of all, all Aspies are different, so what works for one may be terrible advice for another.

That said, we tend to like regular routines and are terrible at multitasking.

You might consider scheduling together time, in which you do things together on a Saturday or Sunday, for instance.
Preferably the entire day, so the doesn't start on one of his projects and have that intrude upon your together time.

Do not try to change him. Change must come from within. Being on the spectrum, change will come slowly, if ever. If he was 'perfect' enough for you to marry him, then he is 'perfect' enough now without needing to change.

Tell him what you want (in a non-confrontational way). Tell him each time you want it. If you assume that he will take out the garbage this week because you told him last week to take out the garbage and he did it, then you will be disappointed.

Leave his stuff alone. If he puts a jacket on the back of a chair, leave it there. It is frustrating for an Aspie to go back to the place he left something and find that it is no longer there ("What? You put it away? How could you?").

If he said, "I love you" last week, and hasn't mentioned the word "love" since then, then he still loves you. If he ever changes his mind, he will let you know. Please don't bombard him by repeatedly asking him "Do you love me?", as he may just stop and give you one of those long, silent looks...

Good advice so far.

I don't think Fnord's statement about not moving things can be overemphasized. I'm actually shocked at the profound level of irritation and frustration I feel when things of mine are moved. It's really bad. Sometimes meltdown territory bad. Sometimes it's difficult enough for me just to "navigate" through the day. On top of that to have no idea where something of mine was moved to by my wife or kids who decide they want to rearrange things and me having to look for that thing, while every minute I'm not finding it is escalating my stress. I know it's not true, but in the moment I can't help but think they're doing it on purpose just to mess with me.

In your other thread you mentioned going whale watching with your husband (sounds fun) and how he hates crowds. I commend you for appreciating that even though he was uncomfortable with certain aspects and therefore may not have enjoyed himself to the same degree you did, you were grateful that he went with you. For some spouses, that would not have been enough unless they thought the spouse enjoyed the event as much as they did.

Ask your husband if he feels this way about crowds:

I'm not a new agey person at all, but "aura" is perhaps a decent way of describing how I feel about people's "energy". I feel a sensation being around people. It affects me. Even just being around one person. Even those closest to me. It's not like a buzz, or a tingle, but it's increased intensity, an energy of sorts that's not there when I'm alone. It starts/changes the second someone walks into the room I'm in and stops the second they leave. Even though I don't actually hear a sound associated with a person's "energy", if the energy were a sound, think of it like a mild electric buzzing. Now think of a crowd. A crowd can be loud, audibly, which is a whole other type of sensory overload, but think of the energy each person has multiplied by the size of the crowd. It overwhelms. It drains. It's intense.

Ask him if he feels anything even remotely like the above around people and crowds.

After my diagnosis, I told everyone in my life about it. With one particular friend, I asked him to remind me about my verbal downloads when he saw that I used them, instead of conversation. He began whispering the phrase "a little too autistic" when I went too far afield in our discussions.

This advice might or mightn't be relevant to your husband's needs. But, it suggests that he should be able and willing to ask you anything to help him in being accommodating to you and others. With this simple agreement, all other matters can be shared.

Thanks for all the replies. I am always moving things in the house. Now if they are general things it's no problem. But move the coffee or something which is 'his property' and it's a meltdown. Since i can now know that this really bothers him i can stop doing it. I put a little shelf in our room for his deodorant and other toiletries he usually keeps just on his bedside table, because i think its untidy there. He was really pissed off, but i then showed him i had just stuck the shelf onto the wall with prestick and he could pull it off. Which he did. I guess a few bottles lying around is not a big deal. I just need to learn to leave his stuff alone....

Not moving his property around is huge but I would also like to address the importance of clear , simple and direct communication . Short sentences with clear language will be far better for him than rambling run on sentences that use vague references . Phrases like ' Can't see the forest for the trees ' or ' Don't cut off your nose to spite your face ' don't really compute for most of us , we hear things at face value . When we hear that it's ' raining cats and dogs ' we are thinking , " I don't see any cats " .

We are also very logical and can easily be tripped up by it . Recently , I set an alarm for 6 AM to make an early trip to the airport . When I got up to let the dogs out , I realized that it was time to go and that the alarm hadn't sounded . Later , when I checked the settings on the alarm , it was set for 6 PM not AM but I just assumed it was AM . My reasoning was , why would anyone set an alarm for 6 PM ? I need to assume less and pay more attention to details .

Another time , I was speaking with another person on the spectrum who told me of a time that their accountant handed them their tax return and said , " take this home and file it " , which is exactly what they did . They took it home and put it in the file cabinet and didn't file it with the IRS !

Be precise with your language , keep it simple , brief , straightforward and leave space for him to speak .

Moving things around can lead to all sorts of problems , I'll give you an example that my ex used to drive me nuts with . She is very disorganized and can never find the dogs leashes because she won't hang them up on the hooks that I provided . Because of her inability to stick to routines , I kept separate leashes in my truck so that when I took them for a walk , I knew where their leashes were . The problem was that late at night when she couldn't find them , she would take them out of my truck and , of course , not put them back . Then , the next day , when I took the dogs for a walk , we would get to the park and there would be no leashes in the truck . I never thought to check for them before leaving because logically , if I didn't take them out , they should still be there , right ? This type of thing was repeated many times during the course of the day and needless to say , we are not together . Also , she also absolutely refused to use proper nouns in a sentence . It was always , "that guy " , " that place " or "that time " . AAAAAaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

I am an extreme introvert Aspie [or as we are called nowadays high functioning autistic] and my wife is an extreme extrovert NT. We have been married for around 45 years and it works. Our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other. It is like a Ying-Yang relationship.

I describe it in a short book.
The Aspie Code

I don't consider that anyone should feel ashamed of having an asperger-diagnosis.

The major problem with "coming out" with a diagnosis like Asperger is the fact that many people don't know what it is. It makes it difficult to forsee the reaction of the counterpart. The upcoming issue then becomes how to explain the diagnosis. Here, I can admit that I sometimes can feel uncomfortable with telling what asperger is about, particularly if I would do a short explaination of the criteria for fullfilling asperger. Therefore, I ask myself what benefits I might gain by telling X person about my diagnosis. This also makes me careful to whom I am telling it to. I usually only tell it to people who I think will understand the diagnosis and how it applies to my way of functioning (in other terms will take it well). For me this has been friends, family and some relatives of mine.

The one thing which helps me the most is that my wife is patient with me. That's the biggest thing for me. Patient and just, overall, being supportive.

She also knows not to try and force me to do things, like family outings or other functions. If I don't want to leave the house, she's fine with it. (or at least says she is)

Please don't ever believe or expect that he has the potential to evolve into an NT if he just tried harder.

My daughter explained to me one way she sees my deficits - you know all the letters in the alphabet, you have all the right books but you will never learn how to read. Now, I am quite literate, but this is her metaphor for my social skills.

I've spent my life studying how people interact so that I can copy their methods, but this only works if the exact situation I've studied presents itself, which it almost never does. I have no concept of how to handle novel social situations even on the simplest level. I can appear at first glance to be NT but in about 2 minutes you will know that I am not. You might not understand why I am not like you. You might think I'm being this way on purpose but you would be wrong.

I love my immediate family and they do not create as much stress as non family interactions but I need a lot of time away from all human interaction to recharge.

I hope you can accept him and truly understand how his mind works. It would mean so much to me if someone could do that for me.
Invite your husband to come into these forums. Perhaps he will find comfort to know there are kindred spirits in the world.
Best of luck to both of you.