Why do I have to understand?

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I went to skating practice and had to leave as soon as I got there because the hockey team was having a function upstairs at the rink and I could not handle the music. People asked me why I left and I told them and they seemed upset with me for leaving and they always tell me that I have to understand that people are going to do this or that the store has to play music or that whatever has to do this or that, whatever whatever blah blah blah. I get this kind of response all the time and I hate it.

When I leave like that people get upset with me like it hurts their feelings because I have to leave. One of my coaches said, with a reprimanding tone, "You have to understand that it's hockey season and that's going to happen all the time."

I don't know why people feel the need to say stupid s**t like that. I don't know why they need to reprimand me. I am not complaining, I am not asking them to stop, I am not making a fuss, I am not even upset. I wasn't even going to say anything at all but I felt it would be courteous to let her know that I was going and when she asked why, I told her.

Why do people try to make me feel like I am doing something wrong when I am simply leaving an environment that is harmful to me? I am not asking them to leave. What if I was allergic to shellfish and peanuts and I showed up and they were having a seafood and nut party? I would have to leave. It's the exact same thing. Would they then tell me, "You have to understand that this happens all the time and everywhere. " Do they think I don't understand this already? Do they magically think that my disability, which I have no control over, have to live with every day of my life and did not ask for, will magically go away because I understand that other people will do what they do?

It's hard enough living with a severe disability, especially an invisible one. I don't need people telling me that it also hurts their feelings when I am trying to deal with my suffering especially when they are not affected. It does not make one bit of difference to them if I am there or not. I am not hurting or inconveniencing anyone by leaving. I am the only one missing out and wasting gas, time, and money having driven to something I had hoped to enjoy. So to be told what I need to understand like I don't understand it already, is just rude.

Maybe what they are really saying is, "I don't understand"......why you are leaving this place, us, and the "fun." They don't have the same perception as you, and what for you is unbearable is really only a slight irritation for them - they cannot comprehend what it actually is like for you, and therefore see you leaving only for petty reasons. (I know you already get this and are more venting). I understand your frustration completely. I've also had experiences like this, where the people I went end up blaming ME and are upset at ME for leaving an environment that, were they to experience it the same way as me, would never willing go to, nor would stay in should they happen to it. I suspect I've even lost a couple of friends to this.

I understand.

It is not you who needs to understand, it is them.

I think you answered your own question--

skibum, did you tell them that you have a sensory processing disorder? You might have to say more than "the music bothers me," if you want them to understand what you are going through.

I'm not clear if you are supposed to be part of a team that skates or performs together. You did mention a coach, suggesting this was not just a casual recreational skate. If you can't attend practices, that becomes a problem for other team members, for the team as a whole. I doubt people's "feelings" were "hurt," it sounds more like they may have been concerned whether you can participate in team activities in the future if this noise issue is a problem for you - since it is likely to recur rather often.

What about ear plugs or noise cancelling headphones? Is this something you could discuss with the coach?

I just bought some high fidelity earplugs that are designed for musicians to wear. I wore them when I went to see the latest Transformer's movie, Bumblebee so it wasn't so loud.

Are you on a team or part of some skating group, or are you simply paying for lessons during a group session?

If you're paying for lessons with a group, or attending some come-as-you-are ice skating session, then you have the right to leave anytime you want.

If you've joined a team and can't practice with them due to your problems, then it's understandable they might not be too happy and it may be best you leave the team.

The skating rink is actually really amazing and they go out of their way to accommodate me. I love it there and the staff is really stellar. I should not have used that situation for the example. I really don't have any complaints about them at all and they have treated me better than family. The only reason I used them as the example is because the situation just happened last night and it reminded me of what I go through all the time and everywhere. There are a very few places and a very few people who do try to understand and accommodate but they are really super few. So I was just kind of at my wits end because of so many other situations that I have to deal with with that and now that my disability case has been indefinitely held up in federal court until the democrats and republicans can learn to get along, I just found out that all the federal court cases are being help up, I was really feeling it. So my apologies to the skating rink because they are some of the most wonderful and caring people that I know. But that response is really getting old and I get it from so many people.

Well, this is exactly why I don't justify myself to others; they very likely won't understand. And kinda why I would rather be someone who accommodates...


In my case, I prefer not to tell others if I'm currently overwhelmed and confused, or how my senses work to be more specific. All I say is 'I don't like this', 'this bothers me that', 'I'm tired', etc.
I won't say that I feel the weight or space, or that I'm sensorially encumbered because people don't deal with those things or ever had the terms. Therefore they don't have to know.

I would rather dismiss the whole thing myself, than some fool who doesn't understand dismisses them. I could never forgive such fool nor I would waste my time teaching them things they don't ask or ever think about.
Because it just reminds me how much I don't like people and how I don't like being human.

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Sounds to me they are upset just because they like you so much otherwise they wouldn't care. But even if you tell them the reason they would be unable to understand and accept it.
It's better to come up with an false excuse (Have to see a doctor aso.) then telling the truth that they are unable to accept. You should speak with your coach that he or she isn't to much upset because of this.
May be there exists even some music that fits for the hockey players and you?
The other thing that you could try is to adapt to that music by hearing related music outside of the training at level that you can stand. Try to like it instead of being against it. Music is just a way of expressions emotions. May be you are able to become a bit used to this music after a while even if you aren't totally into it.
I didn't like any kind of hard rock at all as a child. Later - at a time that I was totally emotional down - I started to like it. The brain is able to learn and to adapt. But it takes a while ...

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"But you have to understand"... *sigh* they are NTs, what do you expect, understanding? The TV watching beer drinking average joe-hockey fan with no ability to put themselves in other peoples shoes is pretty much a waste of time trying to explain things like this to, it's a waste of time that you could have used to increase the travel distance between you and them.

Just walk away and ignore their rants. If they feel offended, let them be. They are morons.