"Coming out" As Autistic?

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So I finally got diagnosed with Autism back in November. I've only told a small handful of people, and only one who is my real life friend, about the diagnosis. They're the same people who already knew I was looking for a diagnosis and I'm wondering if I should "come out" to the rest of my friends.

It just seems really weird to me, I see people online all the time who put it in their bios and start messages like "Hello I'm [name] and I'm autistic"

I don't want to be ashamed of who I am but I have never been a fan of labels and it also feels like something that is very personal. I don't go around telling everyone I know that I have PTSD. I've never "come out" as having PTSD.

In the last 2 years I've made a new group of real life friends, all of them are mutual friends of the one real life friend I have that knows I'm autistic. The thing is that I never hang out with those people one on one, and not all of them I would consider MY friends. They're more mutual friends. There are two other people within the group that I would consider to be MY friends and I know through the mutual friends that they also think they're on the spectrum. So it seems a natural thing to talk about but still, I feel so weird and guarded about it.

Sometimes I think I should just give the mutual friend permission to tell people about it, but I don't want that. I think I don't have so much of a problem with people knowing I'm autistic as I do wanting to be the one who has authority over who knows and who doesn't. So the more people I tell the more possibility is that they'll tell other people and soon it will be common knowledge and I will have no control over who knows this very personal information about me.

There have been times where I've wanted to tell people, but I've felt that even if I explained it they wouldn't understand. I don't want anybody to treat me differently or walk on eggshells around me. There was one night where everyone was spilling their guts and getting all teary about their struggle with mental illness and I thought "should I bring up that I've been trying for the last year to get diagnosed with autism?" but I didn't say anything because I thought they wouldn't get it. I felt like they'd just sort of go "oh" and then act really awkward.

There was one friend who, even though I really liked her, was really upsetting me. She kept pointing out everything I did that she thought was weird, not in a mean way, just a confused way. Still it made me really insecure about everything I did. One time at a party I was doing something "weird" and she laughed and said "How are you the only one who's sober?" and I had planned ahead for what I would say to her if she brought this up again and I told her "I have developmental disability" which is true, I have ADHD too so I thought that would make her understand without revealing too much but she just said "big mood". Which I thought was really rude...She doesn't have a developmental disability. My disability is not a "mood".

I've thought about making some sort of big social media post but I don't know, that feels stupid to me. I don't feel like everybody needs to know. I want to tell the two friends who also think they're on the spectrum because I want them to know that they can talk to me about this stuff and ask me questions, but I guess I'm afraid of making things weird.

So, did you guys ever have a big "coming out". Or do you only tell who needs to know? Do you tell them it's private or do you let people discuss it? Did people treat you differently after they found out?

If you want a big “coming out,” that would be cool.

I’ve been autistic and other things since Toddlerhood . My behavior was my “coming out.”

I’m glad you have been able to make sense, finally, about what you have gone through.

In a way, I’m lucky it was known just about from the onset of my life

When I got my diagnosis I told a few people, but primarily online: "Hey, remember the assessment I went to do? .... Well it turns out that in addition to my PTSD I have autism, and this explains ...."

Some of these people had no idea I was going to have an assessment done but it felt easier to start the conversation that way. I got positive or supportive responses because I set the tone. I said that I was happy to have my diagnosis and to start understanding my life with more clarity. I was ready with a link for people who wanted more information about autism, especially for females. (I really like Samantha Craft's list of female autism traits. It's not entirely clinical but it really summarises the female spectrum).

I didn't tell everyone because I didn't feel the need. My own mother doesn't know because she'd be offended as if I were some sort of failure on her part. I think of it as a "need to know" basis whether to tell someone or not.

Good luck, and be proud of who you are.

If my opinion is worth anything, don't do it. "Coming out" is pointless. What one would expect to accomplish with doing that? The world won't become more forgiving, gentle and reasonable with that. If anything, that will only make matters even worse. People will look at you and say "ah-ha! I knew there was something a little off about her! Turns out she is sort of ret*d!". It doesn't matter if this is not the case, that's what others will say.

Also, you'll still be considered a functional person. What does it change? Nothing.

The difficulty with "coming out" is that unless someone is really smart, or experienced with autism, they won't know what to do with that information. It isn't like Down's syndrome in which you have a relatively homogeneous population where everyone is similar. Instead, have a full spectrum of intellects, abilities, and interests.

OTOH, if you can say that you are like Sheldon on BBT or Rainman, most people will get that.

I respectfully disagree. The follow up would be: "but you dont look as smart as Sheldon/as autistic as Rainman/dont look like autistic to me/you seem very normal/I dont believe you/how do you know that"... and so on.

I've "come out" only to people who respect or like me. It won't make much difference to me, but it might make a difference in how they view autism.

I neither hide it, nor talk about it.

Friends, and my sister know about it. In fact my sister and a lady I dated were both interviewed as part of my diagnosis process.

Among folks I work with I have only told one person. A lady low level surperivsor who is a friend (haven't actually socialized off the job, but we might evolve that way). We were yakking on break once, and gossiping about other coworkers and I mentioned it. And she happened to have been a psych major, and like that.

Then another low level supervisor I work with often often talks about the subject of the autism spectrum and how several coworkers over the years had it. And he actually has a pretty good understanding of the spectrum and aspergers etc, and talks about it in a nonjudgemental way . Someday I might mention to him that "by the way... I am one of them-youre coworkers with aspergers". Maybe he already suspects, or has heard I was aspie through the grapevine. Who knows?

But its never occurred to me to officially inform the company (ie tell the district manager so that they can make accomidations or like that).

Another friend (off the job) I have mentioned it to, who has issues (alcoholism and skeetzotypal personality disorder, dyslexia)of his own, cant stop confusing "aspergers syndrome" with "down's syndrome". Not that he is any great intellect. But I am afraid that most of the NT population are like him. Don't have any clue as to what "autism" is, what "the spectrum" is, nor what "aspergers" is. So it would not even do any good to tell most folks anyway.

The phrase "coming out" is borrowed from the gay community.

In some ways autism is analogous to homosexuality (you're part of a minority). But in some ways it isnt. If you "come out" as gay folks get what it is that you're coming out about (sexual orientation is pretty simple to grasp). But autism/aspergers is much more arcane and abstract and hard for many folks to grasp. So I suspect that with most folks in your life there would be no point in "coming out".

On the other hand, as Krafty says, it as good an excuse to throw a party as any. Why not invite folks over, and have a dance party? Have the deejay play "I'm Coming Out" by Dianna Ross, and "You Were Born This Way" by GaGa.

The only person I've ever told is my mate. She thought about it for a bit, then told me she didn't care what BS labels they diagnosed me with, and she didn't care if I ever got any better than how I am right now in this moment; she loves me just as I am.
That's all the "coming out" that I need.

If or who to disclose to is entirely up to you. It is a risk. What I have noticed from reading various posts on wrong planet and elsewhere from people who have disclosed, reactions have varied from people denying that the person disclosing is autistic, that they knew it all along, to pity, to acceptence, and so many more.

I would advise against having a friend disclose for you. It is your autism, your disclosure and you need to say what you want to say instead of taking a risk that someone else gets it wrong.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 09 Jan 2019, 2:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I've had this similar dilemma since I was diagnosed about 2 years ago. I figured out I was on the spectrum when a friend of mine posted on Facebook that he was diagnosed with Aspergers (by researching it, I hadn't heard of aspergers before then), and I've actually kind of wanted to announce on Facebook myself since I got diagnosed. I would kind of like people to know, if only so they will actually ask me if I do/don't do or say/don't say something that confuses them. Whether they know about the autism or not, they WILL see/observe behaviors that confuse them, and will make their own explanation for them, most often in a way that portrays the person with autism in a bad light (he/she is selfish, demanding, petty, a mooch, using you, etc.). If people know about my autism, then maybe they will stop to think or ask me before judging me.

BUT, I haven't done this, mainly off of advice of every single friend/family member that I have told so far. The main problem is the possibility of the negative washback from it. So far, I've told most of my family, a handful of friends, and 1 low-level supervisor. I've had mostly positive feedback from them, with those closest to me saying, "I'm not surprised," or "That explains a lot" while one or two not-so-close friends have said they are surprised/don't believe it.

The main thing to think about when disclosing is:
- why are you disclosing to this person? Why do I want this person to know about me and my autism?
- if you don't have a good reason for it, don't tell them. If you do have a good reason, then tell them.

From what you wrote, it seems like you might have a good reason to tell the two friends who you suspect also have autism. Maybe you don't yet have a good reason to tell the others.

Also remember, once you tell someone something, they know it - you can't undo it. You can also turn non-disclosure into telling people, but you can't undo it once you do.

When I told my siblings, they were incredulous for the most part. The responses I got were:

1. Everyone is on the spectrum, it doesn't mean that you're on the spectrum.
2. If you're autistic, I'm autistic, because you don't have any problems. Everything is easy for you.
3. Do you want to be autistic?
4. You're not hyper enough to have autism.
5. <yelling> You're not autistic! <yelling>
6. You can put that in your college essays, they'll love it.

Only one of my siblings accepted it immediately. It changed my relationship with some of them, subtly or in big ways. My oldest sister has been campaigning against it from the first, and after two diagnoses by qualified doctors and thorough testing, she still won't acknowledge it without anger. Last time it was brought up, she retorted, "I accept that you have autism, because it's the only charitable assumption since you don't seem capable of caring about anyone." I've cut off contact with her entirely since then. Another of my older sisters is bitter towards it, for reasons I don't understand. She and some of the others have made remarks that, though not entirely malicious, have made me feel bad about the diagnosis.

I tell you all this to illustrate my response: I think that if you "come out," you undeniably risk changing the nature of the relationships you've formed with these people. Maybe some of them are more open-minded than my siblings, but it's likely that at least one will react in ways that make you uncomfortable. Choose who you disclose the information to wisely, and don't worry about "coming out" and suddenly being open with everyone in your circle.

I feel like I'd get the exact same thing from my siblings so I don't think I'll bother even trying to tell them about it. I told my mom when I was seeking a diagnosis that I didn't want them to know about it because my older brother will call me a "R*tard" and my younger sister will either say "You can't be autistic because you're good at things" or "If you're autistic then I'm autistic too because I'm much stupider than you!" and my mom agreed.

That's mostly what I was thinking. I feel like I'll either get the whole "Oh so that's what's wrong with you" or "What?? No that can't be right"
Even though autism runs in my family I feel so few of my relatives understand it. Even one of my aspie cousins says that he's "grown out of it"

If you keep the info to yourself then tell the 1 or 2 people that matter in your life then you are in control, if you make some kind of public declaration then it is no longer your info to control and anything can happen with it.

I was diagnosed a couple of years back at 36. I told my wife as she was part of the process, I told my manager and my HR team as I became unwell at one point and it was mandatory that all staff travel abroad for an event and I simply couldn't face doing that. They have been very supportive ever since. i won't tell my parents or other family members ever. I don't think they would guess either, i am just that quiet one who reads all the time and doesn't socialise so much.