Meltdowns in relationships

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A while ago my now ex-girlfriend and I parted ways because she didn't respond well to an autistic meltdown. I'm curious if anyone's had similar experiences.

We had spent all day together through most of the holidays, going out at night, spending all day doing presents on the holidays, and I was also still working. One morning, I was tired, hadn't had coffee, and I left my house with her.. we backed out of the garage, and the garage door opener was stuck. It had been giving me grief for a while, I'd click the button, and it would go down an inch then back up. So I had to get out and manually close it, and I decided to chuck the broken opener at a wall.. it was a 5$ worthless tool. I didn't even go full on aspie meltdown, just got mad at a broken tool. After that, everything seemed fine.. left the house, got our coffee and sweets, took her home. Wasn't really angry any more.

She ignored me for a full week then told me that I trigger her PTSD, and that I'm such an angry and violent person, that I can't even be around her without triggering her anxiety. She broke it off by text message.

We had been dating for 2 months, disclosed to each other we had anxiety and talked at length about it. We never fought, I never yelled or threw anything directly at her.. the only other time I've been angry around her is I like to yell at people on the road who suck at driving.

Was I treated fairly? If this was genuinely how she felt, why couldn't she just say "This makes me uncomfortable, please don't do this around me" or was this just an easy-out for the fact that she probably just didn't like me for some other undisclosed reason? does anyone else have insight on significant others not being able to handle their anxiety?

I wouldn't think it was fair, either. Most people wouldn't just do that. It seems really petty to me.

I've had that sort of thing happen to me. It doesn't feel good.

I would just move on. Maybe you've dodged a bullet.

I don't like the idea of being manipulative, but it may be good to fake a meltdown just to cull out disingenuous partners because I'd rather not get to where I am being profusely apologetic to someone who had already decided ahead of time that my true self isn't worth their time.

“.....We had been dating for 2 months, disclosed to each other we had anxiety and talked at length about it. We never fought, I never yelled or threw anything directly at her.. the only other time I've been angry around her is I like to yell at people on the road who suck at driving.....”

You never threw anything directly at her..... Did you ever throw anything near her, or in reaction to something she said or did? If so, she was right to break it off. Also listening to someone yell all the time is stressful. I used to commute with someone who raged at other drivers. By the end of the work week I’d be having seizures on the drive home as I was so stressed listening to them and wondering if they would get into an accident because of their temper.

I don't put up with other people's meltdowns. They get on my nerves.

But I also don't subject other people to mine.

If you really think a partner should be able to take your meltdowns, even minor ones, maybe you're not a fit person to have a relationship with. a/k/a grow up, if you're ready to partner then you should be ready to behave yourself.

Admittedly, Anne Oleson said it a lot better than me.

I'd tend to agree, there are several better ways to handle emotions especially as an adult my age, which is exactly what I would've said had she just asked. And had I just gone out with her a few times and we didn't know each other well, then yes, I would understand that behavior being considered unacceptable. I would like to think after spending a great deal of time with someone and spending the day with them all week that it merits some sort of adult conversation and a chance to grow from it rather than just a f**k you, cya later. I suppose I have a bias point of view being the one affected by it, though.

I do fully understand why you said that though - I guess the best answer I can give is I know I'm not one to take it out on others, and I'm also not one to have a full blown tantrum or anything of the sort, and I'm confident in that. It's why I'm curious to know if this warranted at least some sort of either an open discussion about changing behavior or a second chance - I just feel strongly cutting off contact was extreme on her part.



Naw, never at her, nor in response to anything she did. Nothing was ever taken out on her.

It was a violent act, even though it was on a useless,vand cheap object. She has PTSD, so what seems insignificant to you probably puts her on high alert. It may not have been aimed near her, but to her it may be a small step away. Don't dismiss how she says she feels.

I wouldn't call ending a relationship with a text message a very mature thing to do, but if your violent/angry behavior, no matter how rare and harmless you and other people around you see it as, was really the reason she wanted to break up then using a text message was very logical. She might have been afraid that you would've reacted violently if she'd broken up with you face to face.

As for why she didn't just tell you to stop, there could be many reasons. Maybe she thought she could handle it, much like us autistic people often push ourselves to our limits in social situations. Maybe she had previous bad experiences with trying to talk to angry people. Who knows, really.

Of course, it is possible that she wanted to break up with you anyway and used this as an excuse, but I suggest not to think about that too much, for it's very insulting towards her if she really didn't lie about her reasons.

Most normal people have moods. My boyfriend can shout and swear really loud when frustrated, but it is rare. I've only ever seen him like that once, and we've been together over 4 years. Did I finish the relationship because of it? No.

Your girlfriend probably finished it with you because of her PTSD, not because of you. And she's probably been watching too much media where a man who's just murdered his girlfriend or went on a shooting rampage at a school suddenly claims he had autism, so that type of BS has got her stereotyping that all male autistics become that dangerous during a meltdown.

Have you ever met Denise Van Outen? I reckon she wouldn't go out with an Autistic guy. Ah well, win some, lose some.

Appreciate the responses - I think that's just where I have to admit I'm stuck. I don't know much about PTSD so I can never truly understand how she feels. All I truly know is the way they say be kind with fireworks on the 4th of july, I can't imagine the fireworks reminding someone of wartime gunshots being much different than flashbacks of what triggered her PTSD. That's honestly the extent of my knowledge on the disability, though.

A raised voice and throwing things would cause me to freeze up. While I might know that I'm not in danger, the fear I feel is all consuming and past experiences tell me that I am right fear for my safety.
Perhaps she wasn't ready or healed enough to be in a relationship.

My boyfriend of more than three years has been violent in my presence, mainly kind of yelling or slamming doors or slamming an object down, generallywhen he is angry at someone else, such as when driving or seeing Donald Trump or sometimes commercials on T.V. or, as he disgustingly (to me) used to put it, he's "angry at the universe." Sure ha ha:-) Anyway I have almost broken up with him several times because of his anger, and have told him my feelings about it many times, actually every time he does it, and he is working on this and it is getting much better, which is good, but the only reason I have not broken up is I am (but hopefully not forever) financially dependent on him, as he is very generous, plus coupled with this, there is a lot of good stuff about him and I really care about him, and we have a lot of fun together, though these latter alone would not be enough for me to stay with him if he continues to be violent. A lot of his violence has been to others when driving. It can be scary. My worst thing with him is when some old woman or kind of crippled person is going too slow through a cross walk and when they finally get a little more than half across, so technically out of the line of his car, he kind of goes too fast into the intersection, as what if that person slips and fals while they are still in the cross walk or something else happens? Also he has slammed the car door very hard when he knows I am in danger of losing my hearing in my left ear. I guess he did this once when he was angry with me..

I am a big communicator and interested in human/animal brain function and always explain things to him and share my feelings; in any case, to the op: maybe it is because you are a guy or because you are autistic like me and my bf or some reason I do not know, but imo you should be easily able to understand that being violent in someone's presence (especially if the person is a lot smaller and weaker than you (my bf weighs a hundred pounds more than me) will be perceived by many, if not almost all people, as you being violent TO THEM. But, this said, my bf has had a real big problem getting the gist of this simple point. Also, his violent behavior seriously triggers my PTSD also, and I have told him this many times, each time, actually. To me this expression of violence, at least by my him, is like a toddler or maybe a five year old having a tantrum. Not cool, not romantic, a big turn off and a big red flag. Maybe if you were giving this girl a bunch of money she would not have left? Seriously, but this is just speculation. Personally I would rather not lose my art studio then have my bf not yell at some other driver, but if he hit me, I would rather lose my art studio.

Also, I do not know your pattern, so am not comparing you to my bf, but just sharing this as a point of reference. T the people who kindly suggested that your girlfriend did not break up with you because of you, but because of her ptsd, well, who knows the real reason--she could have disingenuously used that as an excuse---a lot of relationships don't go that far--in fact two months is the first stumbling point--I think those two months are looked at by most relationship experts as the period of idolization (when many people tend to ignore red flags),but your behavior in some way surely played into it, so it could be considered a form of enabling for someone to say it was her ptsd. Every pancake has two sides. Does a human being exist as a self-sustaining independent entity outside of and apart from his or her behavior? Imo that is questionable, but maybe something to inquire into.

Another thing, the way you are reporting this is your own perception of it. It took my bf a long time to even acknowledge there was a pattern to his behavior. Not saying there is a pattern in yours, but there could be. Also, I think in my case a lot of the anger that was being expressed toward "the universe" or whatever, was really being unconsciously (or even consciously) expressed to me, as a control tactic. Again, not saying this is the case with you.

p.s.This woman does not really owe you anything after dating two months, Maybe that is how she learned to communicate or not to communicate. Maybe breaking up by text is the best she could do. Maybe she expects you to understand this just as you expect her to understand something or other about throwing the garage door thing, why you did it.. My suggestion is to work on yourself so this does not happen again with the next person, and there will be someone else. Pax out.

I was going to say that throwing the opener triggered her & if so it sounds like she has serious issues with her PTSD & probably would have issues being in a relationship with most anyone cuz of it.
BTW me & my current girlfriend are both on the spectrum & we've had bad meltdowns in front of each other on more than a few occasions. We deal with em by doing our best to try & be supportive in the moment. We make up after & feel really bad for our behavior & for triggering each other if we did.

I suck too and I'm far worse than you. But then, I think it means people are afraid of you because they think you will take it out on them. My anger is fuelled by extreme anxiety, but most people see me as an a***hole. My real feelings are hidden because people make assumptions.

I've never hurt a living thing (except insects like wasps, spiders...) out of anger. Never. I can't physically do it even if I want to.

I've noticed other sensitive people are easily offended anyway. And extremely unforgiving as people, even over something little that isn't even to do with anger.

Like they are keeping tabs on you, 1...2...3..."HA! That's the third bad thing you've done, I'm leaving!!". I mean seriously they have such big issues too. If they are that intolerant then well, great for them, they're also badly missing out on other people who are reasonable.

I never had a meltdown and have only had 3 boyfriends so I'm not sure I can properly answer this question