always feeling like I'm missing out.

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I know I may have written threads like this before but seem to always feel like I haven't used the 20s wisely and doing the things that I see other people in their 20s doing like having stayed friends with people from school or college, meeting new people, going out a lot to parties, clubs, pubs, meeting a girlfriend or boyfriend and going out with them and seeing the world on nice holidays to places abroad. From 20 to 29 I've not had any friends to hang out with, never gone to friend's parties, clubs just stayed indoors at home every weekend and think they are sometimes worse places to socialise in, haven't had a girlfriend really except girls as 'friends' and again I didn't see them often and were not always the going-out types and were busy and I've only been abroad to nice places like Rome and Berlin and only gone with the family. I just wish sometimes I was like some of these people and I don't know if its a case that I'm just beating myself and feeling sorry about it and I'm trying to hard to be like other NT people and comparing myself to other people and feeling upset and worried that I'm not doing what is expected of me, like sometimes my dad and stepmum will ask me 'you found a girlfriend yet?'. I seem to think everyone else in their 20s are having great lives right now with lots of friends, in a relationship with someone, great jobs, going out a lot and so on and think I'm just boring and people are not interested in me, don't find me attractive and seem to not like me based on what I look like and so on.

It's tempting to look at others one's age, (while young) and think that the grass might be greener on the other side, so to speak.

But not necessarily... a job might have it's hidden downsides; relationships can prove stressful and potentially wrought with conflict under the surface; a person might have plenty of novelty thrown at them each day, yet become numb to feeling true wonder.

FOMO (Fear of missing out) can be a powerful thing. Sometimes when I feel it, I like to think, "What am I missing out on, really?"

When I was in my early 20s I got very depressed and angry with myself for not doing the things other people my age were doing. My cousins were all out and about, going to bars and having mates and a girlfriend or boyfriend. And I was just alone, stuck in my room, on job-seekers, and not living the 'glamerous' life I felt I should be.

I'm more happier now but I still am running low on friends. I have a few offline friends, and a couple of online friends, and I have my cousins I suppose. Most of my offline friends are not really neurotypical, or some are the types of neurotypicals that think outside the box and tolerate/include people that are different. My boyfriend is neurotypical.

But I still lack confidence. I am sensitive, emotional, anxious, and self-conscious. I still get people staring at me in public even though I know how to be discreet. It doesn't help my self-confidence, especially when other girls stare. It's very unsettling and makes me not want to go out in public at all.

I often worry about the future. I worry what will become of me, if my boyfriend and my older relatives pass on (my boyfriend is 20 years older than me). I worry that I will be alone, unable to financially support myself if I don't have a high-paying job, and kicked out on to the streets. It worries me to no end. In fact people don't realise how badly it worries me. The streets aren't the place for me. I'm not a drug-addict who ain't scared of anything and can survive on the streets. I am a sensitive, honest, timid and humble person who needs security. Those f*****g Tories running this country don't care about that, all they care about is money. So they make living expensive, throw innocent people out of their homes if they can't afford it, then wonder why there's so much crime.