Anybody else ever wonder...?

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if the way our brains are wired has helped?

I'm new here, newly diagnosed. I was essentially 'outed' because I am in a monitoring program for nurses in recovery. I have worked very hard to get my life back on track, but with my unhealthy coping mechanism effectively removed, it became harder and harder to pass myself off as 'normal.' I am a great nurse; safe. But, I would basically tell my coworkers to stfu if they annoyed me. And, I didn't care that they didn't like it when I did that. My feeling was that I have a goal, which is to make it through my day safely and if someone got between me and that goal, they got steamrolled. So, I got 'referred' AGAIN!

I have accumulated diagnoses along the way: ADHD as a kid, treated with Ritalin. I still have it. Depression/Anxiety, controlled well with meds. Addiction to opiates, in recovery since 9/25/13. Cancer, Hodgkins Lymphoma, chemotherapy, remission since 11/2007. And now, Asperger's.

The reason they referred me was because they thought I was Neurotoxic from the chemotherapy. Once a nurse gets into one of these monitoring programs, any deviation from the 'norm' is grounds for referral. Referral entails being sent to one of their doctors, then being sent for neurocognitive testing, then being sentenced to some therapy, etc... When really, all the while, all I've been doing is trying to pass as NT.

I've never been one to go down without a fight. So, I set about studying these tests, trying to beat them. I almost had one beaten, except I fibbed on some of the control questions and the results showed me as 'defensive' in the personality tests. So, I had to do another one. In the MD evaluations leading up to the neurocognitive referrals, they kept using the word 'euthymic' to describe my affect. Add that to the fact that I would tell my coworkers to stfu, get out, go away and well, you know what that means? These geniuses are trying to diagnose me with Bipolar. My monotone voice, lack of facial expressions (euthymia)... which would be fine, if I were Bipolar. But, I knew I wasn't.

So, I had no choice but to tell the truth. I was also very concerned about what my cognitive performance would be like. I had hammered my brain with opiates, for years. I'd had periods of intermittent depression. I'd had chemotherapy. By all rights, my brain should be mush. But, it wasn't.

My memory is still incredible. My IQ was still high. My processing speed was better than 70% of my peers. I was floored, so grateful! The evaluators were floored too. Some of these people are in recovery too, they were pediatricians, GPs, etc... who got recovery and began to specialize in addictions medicine. And they are shot out, can't remember ****.

I postulate that if I had had any other brain, I'd be a burnout. What do you think about this? Any takers?

I am still very worried about what their next move is going to be with regard to my having been referred. Will they add more time onto my contract simply because they now know I'm on the spectrum? Will they discriminate against me? I can put most of them under the table with regard to intellect, but will that help me?

I'm trying to keep it positive. This is still all very new and I'm scared. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that despite all the adds on TV, the world is not always 'inclusive' and/or accommodating.

Thanks for reading!

Persephone

I certainly don't think it's an outrageous idea. I read something a while ago (sadly, I don't remember where) about the interaction between dementia, particularly Alzheimer's, and neuro-cognitive conditions. The idea being mooted was that a lifetime of being used to compensating for cognitive differences meant that many beneficial coping mechanisms were already internalised prior to the onset of dementia, leading to the same degree of physical brain damage being found less disabling - especially as dementia can make learning new cognitive skills particularly challenging. From what I recall, the evidence for this was only anecdotal at the time, but the reasoning of the article seemed plausible to me.

In a comment on the article, a reader with Parkinson's disease spoke about how he'd learned to explicitly talk his way through tasks which had once been automatic - and his description immediately made me think of my coping strategies for poor executive functioning.

It also made me think about my life-long late-onset insomnia. I can plough through sleep deprivation that seems to leave other people completely floored, even when doing cognitively complex tasks such as coding and engineering design. My brain seems to cope with this by using partial shutdowns to rest faculties that aren't critical to what I'm doing, which I've had a sense of since childhood. Although I do get the shut-downs and melt-downs from sensory-overload typical of autism, it's not as acute as those; I seem able to maintain a certain level of shut-down routinely as an adaption to chronic sleep deprivation.

I can get seriously caught out by anything unexpected when I'm like that, but I'm used to carrying on as best I can without being fazed by such things as temporarily losing the ability to read, or my sense of embodiment wavering so that I don't know where my own limbs are. They're exactly the kind things which might be incredibly confusing and frightening to anyone who isn't used to them, especially if they have a dementia affecting their memory such that they're repeatedly rediscovered anew.

Persephone, I'm thinking maybe it's a good thing that you got referred, if it revealed to the evaluators your mental strengths. Now they know the issue is autism spectrum, perhaps they'll give you a break??
I'm sure you'll be OK, whatever they decide - you're clearly a survivor.
Wishing you well.

You certainly do sound extremely resilient in multiple aspects! Your positivity may be partly to credit for that. As for the second to last paragraph, dominating your peers intellectually as a power play is not recommended. The nicer ones may avoid you and think of you as arrogant. The not-so-nice may attempt to retaliate in other ways. Situations where your intellect can help someone are better uses for your gift. In any case, humility is better received than self-celebration.

I can't answer the titular question since my brain is a pretty simple thing that's led a pretty simple life.

Yes, and I'm never going to do anything to change it. My past attempts to correct myself ended up damaging the "good" part, but in exchange were supposed to make me dull and ignorant of the bad (whole range of things including bullying, manipulation, and anxiety). I'm still feeling the effects, and it may be evident in my lackluster writing style (I used to be a pretty good writer).

I'm letting my neurology rewire itself after years of medication and therapy and I'm noticing hundreds of profound changes, and acknowledging what it is that I lost. I tend to have a fast cognitive tempo, the usual above average IQ, excellent pattern recognition, a desire to learn that no one else I've ever known has, and a unique, highly visual perspective of reality. I feel like most people take everything for granted.

Wow, Persephone (I love your name), you've been through a lot! You are amazing and very interesting. Keep posting.

I wish we had a like button, thank you for your comment.

These people have not been very break related. If anything they use these type situations to harm the participants because we are job security. But, one can hope. I'll keep the group posted.

You're absolutely right, it's a defense mechanism. These reports often highlight every fail: addiction, depression, anxiety, past poor choices, length of time it took for me to finally get clean. In an effort to try and hold onto something good about myself, I get arrogant. Thanks for your input!

I can relate. I'm pleased to meet you!

Thank you!

Thankyou, you're welcome - and thankyou for putting the question; it's one that's too rarely considered, IMHO. It puts me in mind of something I quoted here a little while ago; neurologist and author Oliver Sacks writing in his book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat about his work with patients who had acute neurological conditions; "...we were far too concerned with 'defectology'". If research wasn't directed so exclusively at our "impairments" and "fixing" them, I have a feeling that we'd find many examples of circumstances where autistic traits are beneficial - that is, beyond trite anecdotes about hyper-focus making genius computer coders more productive, and the like.

Persephone,

Are you of Greek ancestry? Very nice name.

It helped me, but only after I started making my own way.

Case in point: Calculus has to be one of the most difficult subjects in any school, especially the way it is taught. You must follow certain methods (and no other) in a certain order (and no other) and produce the correct answer, you must show all of your work in the approved format (which changes from teacher to teacher), and you must turn in your 'scratch' paper with your exam answers or earn a zero for that exam and a notation of 'Cheater' on your permanent record. It wasn't until I started using the 'unapproved' methods that I really began to understand what they were trying to teach, but I still had to take the exams in the approved way. It got to the point that I would first do the exam my way, and then go back and write up my 'scratch' sheets their way, essentially taking the same exam twice! It still took me less time than what was allowed, but all that extra work just to avoid the stigma of being called a 'Cheater' was aggravating to no end.

It's not helped me at all. It's caused me to be bullied even into adulthood, considered a "pothead", unable to succeed even at a community college, and has made me isolated from social interaction.

I sometimes get that, where I get a numb feeling and then have to think how to use my arm or something like that. I don't get it all the time but when I get it I never say as it is the type of thing that if I said it I would look stupid! It is a wierd feeling where I don't know my left from my right for a temporary moment of time, and if I put my hands together interlocking my fingers, trying to work out which finger to move if I see a single finger and want to move it is soo difficult to do without touching the individual finger... which I can't do with both hands together... Umm. Is there a name for it? Is it mormal? Is it something that everyone may not be ablee to do? Who knows!I can do it now as I talk (Just!), but sometimes when I am recovering from energy loss (Possible shut down) I can't do it.