I really don’t know what I want to do with my life

Post Reply New Topic

I feel lost in this world. I work at a job I hate, I live in a home that is a toxic environment, I don’t have a major in mind for college, and I don’t have any career ambitions. I don’t like the idea of working myself to death, picking a college major that I really have no background with or true interest in, and having a career I don’t really enjoy but stick with it because it gives me a lot of money. I also don’t like the idea that hobbies are pointless since they bring variety to life even if they can be expensive. I get anxiety attacks over routine changes even if the routine I am in involves the job I hate and the toxic home I reside in. My brain just refuses to work with me and will cause me to stay up late hating my life. I am worried about waking up as an old man and close to death should I ever actually rise up from depression. I am 31 and I can’t even get past the starting line. I’ve been at a crossroads in my life for many years and I still can’t even take a step.

i can tell you that if you stick around, one eventually gets used to it.

Are there any areas in your home state you believe may be welcoming to people on the spectrum?

What you wrote is very articulate and to the point. Kudos for your awareness.

I think it's really hard for us to make changes when stress is high, e.g. toxic/unsupportive environments. It's a Catch-22 for sure. Just this morning I was telling my spouse that the whole "it's easier to find a job when you have a job" doesn't really apply to me! My current job sucks up all my energy. He suggested I take time off (I have vacation days). My first instinct is "I can't, there's too much to do!" Silly, since I plan to leave. But it's what I know, it's my "routine" if you will. When I do take time off, it seems mostly I am detoxifying (from stress) or anxious about next steps.

I have to believe that we will do what's necessary. I have to. Amazingly I ALMOST went online to look for jobs just now. Almost. I have no idea how I managed to apply for the other two... must have been low stress days. Wishing you a less stressed day and perhaps you can take a next step towards an opportunity.

BTW - When I first read your subject line my reaction was: You'll likely do a bunch of things in your lifetime, on average. I am a bunches and bunches of things person and my AS-like BFF is a half bunch person. It suits us.

You may want to experiment with the biological side of depressions (such as with SAMe or GABA).

In the movie Harold and Maude a depressed young man is encouraged to try a change in perspective (one aspect was to try to learn to play the banjo). You may want to see if you can find a special interest or undertake experimenting with various activities and see if anything sparks a responsive cord.

I think you’ve said before that you’re in Texas, right? Perhaps try moving to a different part of the state that’s a bit more liberal like Austin or failing that, leave Texas and go somewhere else. I understand that you may not have the means to relocate but if you do, it may be an option worth considering.

I know there are many factors involved and this may be a very difficult thing and I still say:
Do it! Do it! Do it!

In the "Very Late Diagnosis..." book it talks about the near necessity of having a Coach, Mentors etc. For Coach, it specifically mentions goal-oriented coaching to get a (better) job (thought of me) and to live independently (thought of you). I am fortunate that I was born in a resource-full town and have continued to live in them --- so I am able to readily obtain help (although it's still an effort and is difficult for me, but it's that much easier b/c the opportunity is there). Wishing you find the resources (albeit perhaps more limited options) that will help you on your way.

Take the Campbell Interest and Skill Survey. Its available online (google it) at a cost of about $77. It will tell you what areas you are suited for based on your abilities, temperament, interests, etc.

After that, try to get out as much as possible. Call it people watching, exploring, researching, whatever you want. What you are seeking is an experience that makes you say, "Hey that's neat! I can see myself doing that!" But you have to not only be out there but in new areas for that to happen.

And as a start, I understand USPS most always has some positions open. Mail delivery may suit you, or it may not, but its worth visiting their web site. There are lots worse jobs for Aspies.

Affirmation: I have the freedom to create a new life for myself.