My greatest realisation.

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Hello everyone. Before starting to write what I want to write, I need to make a few things clear. First of all, English is not my first language, so if you see any mistakes and you want to point them out you're free to do it and it will be appreciated, second thing this is my first post and will probably be one of the last, I've been lurking here since Dec 27th 2018 even though I created this account only in June. What I need to say is that just like many of you here, I came to this website in order to learn more about a condition which I felt could explain many things of my life, but I always had a profound doubt whether this explanation was just an excuse I used to forgive the mistakes of my past and present self and to find a place where I could belong. The more I searched about it, the more this feeling got harder and harder to suppress, and at the same time the desire for validation grew stronger, becoming a thing I needed not to fall in a deep spiral of self hatred and negative thoughts. But inside I knew that if I kept telling myself that, there would have been a time in the future when my lies would be exposed and all the things I suppressed would come to the surface and I would not be strong enough to face them. That time has come, and I realised how many things I suppressed just by talking to a teacher recently. He helped me through a really bad time I was having during a school trip due to anxiety (the feeling of anxiety, not an anxiety disorder), and he said something in the lines of "Those kind of problems would go away if you only had the opportunity to discuss them with someone". And then I realised that this reasoning could be appiled to my entire (short) experience I had on this Earth, and how much I just applied the technique of discussing my problems to myself using my inner monologue instead of telling them to others. And the only thing I could do to calm down those feelings of inadequacy without the opportunity to get emotional support was to use some kind of already written answer, that could be universal and could give an explanation, even if it was a partial explanation, that was backed up by scientific evidence (in general, not in my case). I needed a diagnosis, in short. And I have a long history of choosing a diagnosis and trying my best to make the label fit only to change it when I thought there was something that would fit better. Just having that kind of explanation was a relief, and it even made me feel happy. But that was just a deception I played on myself, and I just got the confirmation now. Now I feel the burden of all of my mistakes, not because I don't have a justification anymore but because it means that I had the exact same opportunities of my peers but I still decided (because it can only be a thing I can't control or a thing I can control, and if it were a thing I couldn't control it would be a diagnosis) to act in a way that harmed me, my relatioships and everything else I could've done with my life. That is, just my fault. I'm sorry to everyone of you here and the entire community, it was nice until it lasted. Thanks if you read through all of this, I needed to vent; sorry if the post is not appreciated, offends anyone, is off topic or there's something else I might have done wrong.

I liked your post and related to many aspects of it. I accept what you are saying as far I understand it without knowing you in real life.

Do you feel that ASD or Aspergers is a diagnosis that fits you? I wasn't sure if I could pick up whether you think it is a fit.

I also went through many self-diagnoses. I felt something needed to be identified. I feel ASD is a good fit for me and a qualified professional agreed (official diagnosis). My family on the whole agrees too... My husband and mom especially. Anyway even if they didnt... Its clear to me. It fits. Explains almost everything.

I think it is also better to take responsibility for what we do and not blame everything on this and that. Ive made a tonne of mistakes. I like to own them... BUT I also realise I am prone to make certain mistakes because I'm wired a certain way. Knowing my wiring doesn't excuse me but it does help me identify what I did and anticipate what pitfalls could come up. It also helps me learn and move on.

If you don't mind me saying so... Even if you aren't ASD, you are a different kind of thinker.

I used to think it did, but I felt the same for many disorders before it such as (in chronological order) Bipolar disorder, SzPD, BPD, AvPD, generalised anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I don't trust those self diagnosis I make, because I know how prone I am to have a distorted self image.

Welcome to Wrong Planet even if your stay is a short one.

I failed to grasp the reason why. It seems that you are saying if you received an official diagnosis it would be almost like finding an excuse for your actions.

I grew up in a time when the term "Asperger's" did even exist. I was different than many of my peers. Since the term didn't exist at the time there was no way I excused my actions. Very late in life I stumbled across the definition and quickly realized they were talking about me. In a strange way, I thought I was the only person on Earth with these traits. So in my case it was a great awakening.

Well maybe it's okay not to have a label. It's what brings you peace. It can be hard to find the proper channel to be diagnosed in any case. I luckily did find someone whose opinion I could trust and others trust it too. If its hard to know just from your own analysis, it might be helpful to seek someone who can give you an outside opinion you yourself trust. But its mostly about reaching a sense of inward peace.

My official diagnosis mostly helped me. Some problems came out of it but I can deal with them because of the benefits.

Goodluck. If you get help here or like it, why not hang around? It doesn't hurt anyone. If this is over. All the best.

I know a diagnosis is not an excuse, but knowing someone like you exists is a completely different story. I've been lonely for most of my life (for reasons I don't know, and which I tried to explain with self diagnoses) and feeling validated, as you might know, is a great relief. It's a feeling you can't detach yourself from easily, once you felt it. And now that I have to, I feel like I'm coming back to those lonely times, but with a great difference: at that time I had hope, now I just know that I should only try to stick to those groups which rejected me time before.

It is a lonely road. Hope you can find peace some how. I've found most of my peace comes from a source well outside of myself. Once I found that a lot of the other stuff has slowly just sorted itself out. Really... All the best. You're welcome here as far as I'm concerned. All different thinkers here for whatever reason.

Thank you for everything. Wish you the best of luck for the future.