I'm feeling... proud, I think.

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Today we had to read narratives to the class in English Composition. Everyone was going around the class, all telling the same things over and over "I'm married, I have children, I work here, I'm going to college for this..." then it came to my turn.

Since my obsessions lately have been around trying to figure out ways to promote awareness of some sort and self-analyzing, my essay wound up being about how my mind works. At first, I was very nervous. Since my essay did not go with the flow of how the others were, I was very afraid that I had done something wrong, lol, or that it would be so incredibly "out there" that people would think I'm insane or something. It was just awkward.

As I started reading, I started rocking shortly into it. After the 2nd page, I relaxed a little bit because I just wanted to get the reading overwith, lol. But by the time it ended, the whole class was just looking at me, dumbfounded it seems. They had very little to say, but the teacher told me what they were thinking-I know this because as he spoke about it, the others were nodding their heads.

He told me I was very brave for sharing something like that, as he knows it is not easy to express to begin with and he said he cannot imagine the discomfort in sharing something so personal, especially when I had stated it most likely would not be understood easily, lol. He also said "Thank you for sharing this information with all of us. I think I can speak for the whole class when I say that I feel I have learned a great deal this afternoon in here when listening to your essay. It was very well written, as well as spoken, and you should feel very proud to have had this opportunity to speak about what autism is like for you, but even more proud to have actually been able to follow through with it."

He then proceeded to ask questions, lol, which were greatly appreciated at the moment as I rather enjoy talking about it when people WANT to learn more or find out more. Since I mentioned that I've been wanting to figure out small ways to increase autism awareness, he said that he thinks I would do really really well if I found the means to express what it is like more publicly

I just thought I would share, as I found it very enlightening to a degree that people really do want to know sometimes. It definitely lifted spirits a bit for me and got me thinking a lot about how I view others.

Wow, good on you for doing that

I sure wouldn't of had the courage to read an essay about "how my mind works" infront of my whole class. The people in you're class must be very understanding. If I read something like that explaining what it is like to live with autism, they will laugh at me.

But anyway...great job.
Im sure a lot more people now are aware of what autism is because of you're speech

Congrats & Well done!

Very well done!

tyvm

I was sure most people were just going to blow me off as stupid or something when I first went to read it to them. In the area I live in, it would not be surprising in the least if they did, and I really expected it since I have been giggled at before, lol.

I guess it was rather shocking for them to actually take in something from it, or at least realized they didn't know anything about it in comparison to what people generally think it is.

I often tell people at the wrong times, but I'm finding (and hopefully it is NOT just this class, lol) that people actually do listen when they kind of have to, lol. I guarantee none of these people would have listened if they had another option.

It does make me wonder-do people choose not to listen because it just does not make sense to them? Or is it just that it is uncomfortable for them to hear something that personal about someone? It seems to be so in many cases, as people don't tend to want to talk about things that are very personal with just anyone, so they assume that I should not be as well, or they think I am uncomfortable maybe. I'm not sure.

Recently, I have been exceptionally open about it with people, and many have walked away. That is probably why I was so nervous to begin with, but today had me re-thinking that. Now if I can just figure out when it is appropriate versus when it is not... then I'll be set! lol. It would probably be more helpful if people were more open to hearing about it as well, lol.

good on you for doing it, and good on them for listening!

The unknown frightens people (read: autism), for whatever reason that's important to them; you'd have to ask them, they may not know the answer however. They may just feel uncomfortable with the unknown and different like how we feel uncomfortable with the unknown and different.

You're brave for speaking aloud in class.

Yea for Wp'sdream! You stunned them with real issues!

Robyn

nobodyzdream,

I don't usually say things such as this... When I saw the title on this thread, I thought YEAH RIGHT, OH BOY, ANOTHER ONE!

But CONGRATULATIONS! You SHOULD be proud! WOW! When I realized my differences, I wasn't about to list them out. Of course, I didn't know about AS then, and such knowledge might have changed things then. Of course, I have a job now and now how most would react to such information, so I decide to keep my mouth shut.

Is there any chance you'll post it? How about a list of Q & A you got? It could help a lot of others here assess their positions and know how to react.

There's nothing wrong with having pride in a job well done.

Ed Almos

Well done!! You should feel VERY proud!! !

Yep yep Here it is-let me know what you think.
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My name is Elizabeth Brown, but I usually go by Liz. I am 27 and I have 2 children. About 6 months ago or so, I was diagnosed with autism. Since this diagnosis, things make so much more sense, yet, at the same time, things have become so much more confusing. An active interest of mine has recently become self-analyzing and attempting to figure out how my mind works verses how other people's minds work. So I figured, what better to write a narrative on than the inner workings of my mind since it makes up so much of who I am and why I do things the way that I do.

My mind works like a filing cabinet, and I think solely in pictures. Because of this, I have a very limited ability to relate to what is being said to me. Every experience I have had is filed away, and I can remember almost every single detail, down to where someone was standing and how their hair was out of place at times. Everything I have seen, everything I have been able to take in and learn, is all filed away. Things that I never figure out, or things that just simply don't make sense to me, have their own filing cabinet labeled "to be sorted later". These are the ones that come back out on a regular basis.

When I say that I think in pictures, I mean that quite literally. If somebody is talking to me about how they walked down the street and went to a friend's house, I picture them walking along the road, wearing exactly what they are wearing at the moment. When they say that they arrived at the friend's house, this is when it gets tricky. If it is someone I have seen a picture of, I see the photo of them flash for a second, as if it is a really poorly made home video. If it is someone that I've met, I see them opening the door and whatnot. If it is someone I have never met, I see a black and white mystery photo pop up with a red question mark on it, much like something you would see in a board game such as "Guess Who". It has always been this way. Then, I start pulling from my filing cabinet-if I cannot relate-if I cannot find an image that matches what is being said, then I do not comprehend fully what is being said. If I can relate, I have to use my experience to fall back on and keep it constantly in my mind while trying to listen to what the other person is saying. It is quite difficult and is sometimes even very tiring.

I tend to analyze things. All day, every day, every second of the day. When someone asks me how I am doing, it could take me 5 minutes to acknowledge the question, sometimes I don't even respond. Though it may appear so, I am not slow at comprehending what was said, I am slow in sorting out all of my thoughts to find the one that fits appropriately. I have to analyze how I am feeling, try to find the word to express it, then I analyze the question itself. Does the person want the generic answer of "fine"? or do they want the real answer? Do they have time to listen or do they want a short answer? It is very frustrating for everybody in the situation, and makes for very rough conversations, as I don't think that most people require so much time to think for everything that is said. This also causes me to be EXTREMELY indecisive. I generally have a very objective view of things, and cannot fully say one way or another what I think of something, as I see as many perspectives that could possibly be taken on almost any given issue. I cannot even decide what I want to eat for dinner half of the time.

In addition to the problems in communication that are pretty obvious that can arise out of these things, I also have odd behaviors as a bonus. I rock, pace, type in the air, flap my hands occasionally, click ink pens over and over at times, I scribble or draw things over and over and over, I don't maintain eye contact for very long. Most of these things are so that I can focus better, so that I can listen better, or think clearer before responding, other behaviors are for comfort, or stimulation of some sort. Usually, it makes people anxious, or they assume I am not listening to them. It is hard for me to fully focus on something someone is saying when thoughts are swirling around constantly, or if I have to make a conscious effort to adjust my behavior for someone else's comfort. If I am looking someone in the eyes, chances are I am not comprehending anything that is being said because my focus is just on that.

I do not bond with people fully. Even with my own children, as bad as it sounds, there is a bit of detachment. Partially on my part, partially on theirs, as they are on the autism spectrum as well.

I frequently have what we call "meltdowns", which are absolutely terrible. I probably have them at least one time a day, and I usually fall asleep right afterwards. What is a meltdown? Well, the only way I can really describe it is as follows:

Imagine you are in the middle of a tornado, right in the center, and you are watching all of your cherished belongings going around and around you. Some are poking out, and you are pretty sure you can reach them without getting sucked in, so you go for it. You grab the arm of your favorite teddy bear, and you go to pull it and it rips off. You try again. After a bit, you are left with only fragments of your possessions piling up. You begin debating how to get out of the center when you are suddenly sucked in. It is very similar for me. The belongings however, are my thoughts. The tornado is a mixture of things I am not comprehending, colors being too bright at the moment, being able to see lights flickering, smelling every scent in the house, hearing every single noise including electrical buzzing and the truck down the street with the bad exhaust pipe... all at the same time. The only difference is that I start right in the tornado, not in the center. It hits suddenly, and before I know it, I'm grasping for what needs to be said, but I can only get out fragments. Once logic is gone, emotions take over. I feel emotions are fairly irrational for the most part, but when they take over completely it is quite overwhelming to not be able to think clearly since I rely so heavily on it. I don't understand the emotions, which just piles up on top of that. It usually lasts only about 5 or 10 minutes (which feels like eternity), but it takes 1 or 2 hours to recover from it. To somebody else's point of view, it simply looks like a temper tantrum.

There is a lot of trouble and confusion as to how it effects learning as well. I see anything that someone says as a form of socialization and communication, and most people tend to view social problems as meaning I am less likely to make friends. The biggest part of the problem with socialization is comprehending what people are saying, it doesn't matter the relationship of the situation. Luckily, while I am still VERY reluctant to do much without a lot of guidance and direction, I will still do so, usually apologizing or questioning whether or not I did it right when turning things in.

In getting the diagnosis, I was very relieved to find out why I do things the way that I do, to have something clarified, but at the same time, more questions arise. Aside from the meltdowns, what really divides us? Am I really that lost in my own little world that I fail to realize how big of an impairment it is? What actually causes it? Why is it so difficult for others to understand what it is like? ...and of course many many more that are likely impossible to truly answer.
-------------------------

I didn't mention that I'm still going to see a specialist for confirmation of diagnosis, and just kind of gave a rough time frame of when my therapist began looking into it closer, lol. But I also don't really know if that was necessary, or when exactly this therapist said that was it... though, I know it sure feels like it's been a good while, so I guess that isn't overly important. The rest I originally thought was very very cheesy sounding, lol-let me know what you think.

Questions I received afterwards:

How do you cope with 2 children? (due to mentioning that sound bothers me a lot at times as well as other things)
I just responded that I use headphones occasionally, but when I'm involved in an interest, the sounds don't bother me too much as I have become accustomed to hearing it all of the time over the years

What is your family like?
Well, since we are all on the spectrum, we are very interesting. My son questions things all of the time, I question things all of the time, my daughter just runs around screaming as she is only 3 and cannot speak yet very clearly, so there are a lot of frustrations that rise in her. As far as hugs and such go, everyone in my household asks one another before giving a hug to anyone. I suppose we are fairly normal, but that goes without saying since I really don't know what is "typical". (to which my teacher responded "wow, that is absolutely fascinating." Which just goes to show how skewed my ideas are of a typical family-I really thought most were fairly like this, lol.)

So... since we are getting ready to start writing compare/contrast essays, is this going to be difficult for you?
Yes.
How so?
I will most likely wind up arguing with myself within the essay because halfway through I will shift views, lol. It's inevitable.

When my teacher mentioned that it was all very fascinating, I had a question that went something like: Holy crap-you mean I really do think THAT differently?
lol, sometimes I forget that everyone doesn't think the same way, but I didn't get much response, just a giggle, lol.


Ummm.... I must think more on it, I know there were more questions, I just cannot think of them at the moment, and I didn't get a lot of time for question/answer type of stuff, but the teacher has a LOT of them left, lol. He kept me after for about 10 minutes just talking about how I should get out there and try to increase awareness of some sort... or he said I should write a book, lol, just because I analyze myself so much and apparently he said I got pretty detailed with it. However, I beg to differ because I know there is a LOT more to things than simply what I stated, lol. By the time he was done talking to me I was so excited I was bouncing up and down, my voice was high pitched, and I was flapping my hands, lol.

...and thanks guys and gals for all of the support

Last edited by nobodyzdream on 06 Sep 2007, 8:58 am, edited 5 times in total.

i know what you mean! ive given a few of those non-mainline-yet-blunt-truth narratives.... they rarely do have anything to say.

always made me feel proud.

gj!

Nobodyzdream, that was beautiful!

You are no longer your own guinea pig...


You are a mighty warrior, just like your avitar. Hold onto that strength with all your might, for one person can acheive change, if only in their own circle. I am so proud of you, because the courage that it took to open up in writing first, then to actually say it in front of a room full of people....emmense courage.

I bow before you, humbled by your bravery.

tygereyes

That's very good!

Go Liz!


I'm planning on taking a public speaking course and want to do a speech like that about depression... how it feels, coping with the stigma and the desperation and the black holes and fading-out, how the Celexa works on me, things people said to me that brought me out of the depression, wierd things I did while depressed, how just because you're not suicidal doesn't mean you don't have it just as bad.


I never thought of it until you posted this! Thanks!