Does my friend sound Aspie/HFA?

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I know someone in their late 30s whom I have known since school. She had been in denial for many years on being 'disabled' but now claims pride in being such. She has been diagnosed dyslexic at 16 and has said that she feels that she may have mild cerebral palsy. Her parents were told when she was a baby that she would never walk or talk, she can do both, loves walking loves talking even more!

In her childhood she was once thought to be A-Typical autistic but doctors thought her to be too aware to be autistic. (This was before Asperger's was heard on in the UK. They then said she was 'just not normal'. She has been battered by the system and the labels and understandably has a huge chip on her shoulder which she fights from in positive ways and negative ways (but without any real malice).

She admits to have some Asperger's traits but says she does not have Asperger's. I don't think this is just down to the labelling thing as in 'I don't HAVE Asperger's' but my brain is wired in that way. I think it more saying she is not someone with that type of brain. She seems OK with classing herself neuro-diverse.

I realise that she may not be Aspie but her traits are far stronger than mine. (I am an Aspie/ have Asperger's – proud of it).

Her main reason for saying she doesn't seems to be that she is social and can get on with many types of people.

However, I have learnt social skills manually and although I like a lot of time to myself, I am quite social when not overloaded.

I think part of her reason for what might be denial is that it is one label too many and one she has maybe been fighting all her childhood/teens and is too close to the bone because she has been highly insecure in the past (but hides it now) that she does not 'get things' socially and in a casual streetwise way. She is still seen as different (although she claims to celebrate difference, I feel she still feels uncomfortable with some of her differences). She has learnt a lot of casualness and street-wiseness manually but often it is out of place. She copies me and other people but does so in the wrong context and way and it makes her look more the way that Aspies are in the way we are called nerds.

She was starved of oxygen at birth (can be common both in CP and Autism/AS)
She thinks her father is an Aspie and uses the term' has Asperger's syndrome' for him rather than 'Aspie'
She happily says other people we know are likely to have Asperger's
She has poor co-ordination – cannot ride a bike/not catch a ball/lots of others
Has great difficulty with eye contact
Is very articulate - unless stressed
Intelligent in Aspie type ways
Highly qualified
Often displays little common sense (children often display more than she)
Uses formal speech too much and in social contexts
Sounds out of place when using casual speech
Is non-sexual but says she prefers woman to men (I think this is just so she can say 'if I can admit to preferring the same sex, then I must be comfortable with my sexuality'. I don't think she is comfortable with being a 'sexual person' straight or lesbian).
Is naïve in lots of ways
Since 10 (or maybe younger, I have only known her since age of 10) she has been preoccupied with neourological type conditions and various disabilities and would read adult books on these subject at 10/11 years old. (OK she is disabled and was maybe trying to find herself – but still a bit young at 10/11 considering she was in denial).
She has difficulty recognising faces and has to almost be in my face before she recognises me. She has walked past me in the street several times if we have both been in the area we had planned to meet but not yet in the exact spot as we are early.
She is creative and has good imagination for making things up but is not very good at social guessing type imagination.
She is driven by her interest (disability) and has made a career out of it
She does not notice when people switch off when she is talking too much about her interests
She has manually learnt to make many adjustments in the things she talks about and has learnt to widen her subjects but still steers around to her subjects
Has manually learnt to some extent to not interrupt but still does so often
Often display difficulty with people having differing views to her but deliberately makes a point of accommodating and praising/celebrating difference.
She has manually learnt to see grey areas and not just black and white (but this would have been learnt manually within her career and studies)
Not very good theory of mind unless areas where manually learnt or self experienced
Remembers early lifetime like having her nappies changed on an orange changing mat
Was sent to a pace for deaf children at the age of 2 as she didn't speak.
Was sent to a SNE boarding school from age of 5/6 (where I met her)
Loved maths and computers and computer programming CB radio as kid
Has been / is often seen by others as different in nerdy odd way although not in eccentric way
Has difficulty getting various types of humour
Is comfortable in own company although likes to be with people she feels are on the same wavelength (disabled intellectuals that agree with her) (not very tolerant of people she deems not on same wavelength)
Gets insecure if I talk to other people more than her, or at all if she does not know them (this is a 38 year old woman, not a kid)
Has dreadful handwriting
finds much type of clothing uncomfortable
has no fashion sense at all – really bad – sometimes wear white schoolgirls socks with hole design with sandals, mis-matched colours and shorts that are where you can see her knickers through (this is not her making a fashion statement)- she only has a small face level mirror on her medicine cabinate and not other mirror
Lots of other Aspie traits


OK so she doesn't have a monotonous voice nor experience sensory overload but not all Aspies do.


I know most of this is 'negative' sounding stuff but there is some positive and neutral in there! I share a lot of these traits, just not to the same degree as she.

I think she is likely to be an Aspie and also maybe Dyspraxic. She could be CP but Aspie too.

CP doesn't explain the social awkwardness / difficulties but social model of disability possiblely does – i.e 'different' – so treated different so not learn the same as kids considered 'normal'. However, as the intelligent adult she is, she would have learnt by now the thing s she still has difficulty with id it was just CP.


My question is, is she likely Aspie/HFA?

How do I get her to admit it to herself so she can start to come to terms with herself?

I think she should just be allowed to be a person and that labels are unnecessary, especially if she is aware of her differences and coping with them.
I read a book (by Yalom) that states to label people is to do them harm.
The only labels she needs are 'person', 'human being', 'friend'...

She sounds HFA to me.

Yeah, she sounds HFA, and not AS. And WHO said being starved of oxygen makes you autistic?

If she doesn't want the label, let her live as she has.