Frienships Relationships And Emotions.......

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Hi I was diagnosed with Aspergers almost 2 years ago.... I always felt different for about 22 years of life......not fitting in with my peers.... always wanted to be around my dog and parents....you know the usual..... now I do alot of research on Aspergers and HFA and what really confuses me is why can't we show our emotions really good when they are right there to be displayed....? the reason I ask is because I might a girl online about 5 or 6 years ago.... and we are very good friends... we tried the relationship thing and its 50/50 she knows of my advantages and disadvantages she feels bad for me and still loves me regardless.......what is really bothering me is why when I went to see her she lives in Texas and I am in NJ I couldn't display how I feel she kept getting the vibe I wasn't into her when I was very very attracted to her mentally and physically.....I just always seem to be in my own world when in fact I was into her....is this a Asperger thing or just a individual thing? I feel I can pass as a very weird NT at times......

Hi ASATKAIN4LIFE. Like you, I was fist diagnosed in my adulthood, probably because I'm not too far down the spectrum from "NT land".

Not being able (or good at) "decoding" non-verbal language is one of the "classic" traits of AS, and it would seem that we aren't much better at "encoding" same body language; communicating our own feelings non-verbally.

Unwritten cultural and social code (along with non-self-advocacy in some aspies) prohibits us from directly saying things outright, even when this would be the most direct and unambiguous means to convey our feelings. Those mastering the "language" may communicate such things through slight "hints" in their body language etc., but if you "don't do body language", that "outlet" is shut as well. I have experienced the consequent "emotion pile-up" as well, and I'd be surprised if we're the only ones in this forum...!

I have this problem as well. I find there is a blockage when I try to express (tell someone) how I feel, because I cannot positively identify my emotions well at all. I know maybe 3 emotions, anything else that happens, anything else I come across, if someone else asks how I feel, I just say "I don't know." because I don't. Tack that on with not showing emotion very well and everyone mistakes "I don't know" for "I don't care".

If it's someone I know well, I'll just try to explain. Physical attributes help. So I won't say I'm nervous, I'll say I'm "jittery," it's a physical thing you can't do so much about, feeling like you're going to shake a little. Or say my heart's beating faster, my muscles are tense, etc. You may not be able to put a word on the emotion, probably because you can't see that emotion in the person you're talking to, but your body will react all the same as theirs. Explain what it's doing, and any vague emotions that you can put a name on, and they'll figure it out. This isn't the sort of thing you can do with people you don't know well, it takes to long. But with intimate aquiantances and close friends, it works well. They should also be able to help you put a name on it, and your "emotional vocabulary" may increase.

For the girl in Texas, that's hard. I'd try to talk out the way you can feel, take your time - I assume she already knows you have AS, ask her if it's OK if you try to express what's going on, and explain that you may screw it up at times. If she's wanting that intimacy, try touch? If your relationship is at that stage. You can ask her how different ways of touching her make her feel, and try to figure out how that works. You'll probably know to a degree how you'd like her to feel (comfortable, relaxed, loving, sexy, etc.), figure out what does that, and then express things that way.

No idea if it'll work for you, but that's what I'd suggest.

It's not that we don't show emotions, we show them differently. Concern is normally expressed as a hug and sympathetic words: "Wow, I'm sorry that happened. How can I help?". I start analyzing the situation to help out and forget the sympathetic words: "Did he/she seem angry? What was the tone of voice? What did the medics say?". If I didn't care I wouldn't ask, yet I seem uncaring because the words and nonverbals aren't there. Different perspectives. Try telling her point-blank how you feel and how you express it.

I feel like a phony if I say the typical words so I just ask questions to see if I can help in a real way.

YES!! !! I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Stick me in a tense social situation such as a wedding or a funeral and I just feel like I'm reading a bad script in a movie.

Ed Almos

I feel the same way! I have the worst time in situations that call for me to be sympathetic or caring. I usually stick to what I think people would say but it DOES come out sounding fake. I've never been able to explain that to anyone so it's nice to get it off my chest.