Dealing with others' diagnosis doubt-GRRR

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I was diagnosed 3 or 4 years ago but just now started accepting it. I haven't told many people (told only 3 friends). I know my family will not be receptive because they love to ignore their own issues and make them others' problems. So they would most likely laugh or even ridicule. I don't see them much because of their unhealthy behaviors, anyway.

2 friends I told were like "duh"

But one, who I thought would be most receptive, keeps dropping invalidating statements like "yeah, but how do you know that's because of autism?" or "yeah, but a lot of people do that" type of stuff. And more. It's infuriating.

I've struggled for so long. I struggle every day. All day. Now I finally get it and am just starting to work on accepting and being proud of who I am for once. No, I'm not saying I'm proud of autism. Just proud to be me, whatever and whoever that is. That's new. I always felt that I carried a secret insanity regardless of how fine or even good I seemed. To know that it's not secret insanity and something I can work with & accept is incredible. I'm sure you all get it.

But dealing with those invalidating comments and knowing that I'll likely face that kind of thing from this point on if I should disclose is very stressful. I'm finally understanding why everything is hard; I would love to shout it from the rooftops that I'm not crazy or "weird," I'm "just" autistic. I mean, I get it that there's still stigma and rooftop shouting wouldn't go well, of course. But I just mean that while I do feel sad and anxious about finally saying, "Yeah, I'm autistic," I also feel a weight lifted off. And when people do that invalidating stuff, it feels like someone trying to push that weight back on me while simultaneously saying there's no weight on me. I know that's their own denial and a form of gaslighting.

I get that this stuff will be life from this point on and I will learn to deal with it. And I know I need to be careful in disclosing and don't plan to do much more than I have. I'm not looking for tips or advice...just support from people who get it. No one else does! I assume this does (or has) happened to you all in some way? Yeah, you just keep going and know that it's their problem etc etc. But it does suck.

My siblings' primary interest in my diagnosis was what it could tell them about themselves. (Not much, by the way!)

My now-deceased Dad seemed completely disinterested. He was 90ish and I suspect he thought it was some new fad that might last a few years before everyone became interested in something else.

My bride accepts my diagnosis. I think she's glad she got an ADHD diagnosis instead of Autism, though.

My medical providers (I'm 71 and have some after-market parts in my heart) generally seem disinterested. I do wish I could get them to adjust how they try to communicate, however. Putting stuff in writing, for instance, would be very useful!

My social life is almost exclusively my bride so I haven't had opportunity to tell many other people.

Yeah, I can see that getting a formal diagnosis for other people's sake is a mistake because who knows how/if they'll take it or process it.

But I'm glad that the most important person in your life, or the person you're closest to, is accepting and doesn't do the "yeah, but...how do you know it's ___?" BS.

I would not tell my medical providers because this is a small town. They are involved in some of the arts projects I facilitate in this town and even though they are doctors, stigma is stigma. All kinds of people can hold inaccurate beliefs or prejudices, including educated people. Considering the work that I do, I will disclose to only a microscopic number of people and I may have already told all that I will (3 people, but that first one I'm done with now).

I guess I'm still fuming that someone who *should* (and does, really) know better did that to me after all that I opened up about. And I feel much better today about deciding that I don't need to communicate with her anymore. It's not something I'm going to waste time discussing or trying to patch up. She's made it clear that her intention is to push back and invalidate, and the last thing I need in my life right now especially as I come to terms with a lifetime of pain (and hopefully now years of acceptance) is someone aggressively invalidating me....especially with a clinical diagnosis and the others saying, "Yeah, it's obvious."

Time to surround myself with any kind of resource that validates and accepts me, and if they don't, bye bye!

Sounds like a good plan.

Hopefully things keep on changing. More people are likely to duh rather then things like since you live independently you can’t be autistic compared to a decade ago.

True...things do change but the general population doesn't necessarily know that. The last thing they might've heard is that autistic people don't talk and need 24/7 live-in caretaking.

but I have to say--this person knows better, and I'm soooo much happier in general not chatting with her over the past couple of days. I didn't realize until that although our usual conversations weren't necessarily negative or unhealthy, stepping back has helped me to see that in general she's had a dampening effect on me. She's very, very cynical and not receptive to anything she's not used to, but she frames it as being "intelligent" and a strong believer in science. I'm learning that using "science" even if you're not particularly informed can be a way to believe that you're right about everything and everyone else is wrong. I mean, who can argue with "science"? I also suspect that she is neurodivergent as well, and her strong and rude resistance to my disclosure is more about her needing to stay in denial for herself. Either way, I'll let it be her problem, not mine.

It's great to move on from that kind of weight. I feel even better today having shed that. And I've learned now that if someone insists on repeatedly invalidating me or my diagnosis, rather than trying to convince them, it's a red flag and I should stop trying to get them to validate...and get away. I wish her well, but buh-bye!

I so understand how you feel. I've been reading posts here since 4 years ago when I was diagnosed and I find it helpful that there are so many people that have had similar experiences. It's helpful to know your not alone out there...