Responding to Someone's Bad News

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A friend of mine had a grandparent, with whom she was very close, die. I'm sure she's hurting a lot. I have NO idea how to appropriately respond to this.

The other night my dad went into detail about the death of their first child, who would have been my older sibling. I felt very locked up. I had no idea how to respond and I really wanted to hang up the phone. How do you respond to that? "I'm sorry my sibling died, dad." I mean, I dunno. It was horrible. I like not to think about it, but then, I know people need to grieve and it was probably good for him to have the chance to discuss it.

I suck at this stuff. And when people cry I want to run. I try to be up front with people and tell them as soon as I can, please don't cry in front of me - it's not that I don't care, it's just that I cannot handle people being emotionally charged. Similarly, I don't like to cry in front of anyone because I know the horrid discomfort it causes when people to it do me.

Suggestions?

I just went through this, last week. My next door neighbors had a lovely dog, who was dying of cancer. Recently, she couldn't climb the stairs when returning from her walks, and they had put this ramp thing by their porch for her to use. I noticed I hadn't heard her for awhile, (I usually heard her baying when they left for work in the morning), so I suspected that she had died. I also saw that the ramp was gone. I wanted to tell them that I was sorry, because I know that's the proper thing to do, but found myself avoiding them like mad. I did send an e-condolence card, since I knew the woman's work e-mail. But the thought of facing her grief just made me so uncomfortable. I hate when people cry. I get so uncomfortable, I don't know what to do or say. The other day, I was sitting on my porch and the couple were out in their front yard. The woman had been crying, and was hiccuping and sniveling, so I just crept inside my house before she saw me. I felt bad, but that's how it is.

No one knows how to respond to this. Even people who are great at it walk away feeling incredibly aquard.

Those people who are crying and making you uncomfortable with their grief, to be blunt, could really care less about you and your awakard feelings.
I don't really go into detail much about this, but here it goes....My oldest daughter was murdered on Jan 25th of 2003 in Jacksonville Florida. She was 19, it's an "Open Homicide" case and ALL the autopsies say "There is NO reason she should be dead, it's like she just fell asleep and never woke up." I had just talked w/ her the day before and she had told me she was leaving her boyfriend.Anyway...the point I'm trying to make is that at first I was shocked and tryiing to grasp it. But once I got my head wrapped around the fact that my baby was really dead the tears started and just did't stop for I don't know how long. I remember I was at the grocery store with tears just running, I wasn't making any sounds but the tears just poured ALL the time. It was the first time I noticed other people watching me, and I could SEE how uncomfortable I made everyone else..and I DID'T CARE at all if I made them uncomfortable. I was too wrapped up in my own agony to care. My pain far outweighed their piddely little feeling of not knowing what to do or say. I kinda started feeling worse for them as time went on and I eventually became aware of how it affected others, but I could't control it. When my savings ran out and I had to go back to work I sobbed all thru my job interview cause they asked me why I hadn't been working. Thankfully they hired me anyway cause ..I don't know why. I would't have hired a basket-case like me at that time.
Anyway, theres absolutly nothing you can do or say that will really help them. For me, the people who did't "Pretend" to know what to say were the ones I felt most helped by. The people who say "It's Gods will" are the worst. So DON'T say that. Proably just a simple "I'm sorry, and I know theres nothing I can do or say that will make this better for you."Then if you can bring yourself to touch them DO SO. Even if its just a overlapping hands thing for 2 seconds. A quick hug, pat on the shoulder, even just a look in their eyes for a brief moment.Make a "human connection" for just that millisecond DO IT.. and then get out of there. Words can never really ease their pain, and why be uncomfortable yourself.
P.S. If anyone has ever heard of where people die for "No known reason" please contact me.Also the cops think the boyfrind will eventually get drunk and shoot his mouth off.They told me thats my only hope of finding out the real truth, that he knows something and just wont talk. So if some guy named Jesse says he murdered a beautiful girl in Florida go to the cops PLEASE I "wonder" every day.

Wow! Yeah, incredible...How on earth is one to respond to something like death or loss of any kind, really??! !

It is not our loss and while it would be ideal to lend our support, it is not always received well, either.

It wasn't until I experienced a close loss that I was able to truly appreciate the extremes of grief and well, if I remember rightly, there is nothing that anyone can say or do during those times that really "comfort" you...

I have been in some fairly awkward situations where I know I have failed those around me, so a simple "I am sorry" or a card expressing sympathy on your behalf might be most appropriate.

Man! the more I read, the more I recognize my AS traits, but I have been some awful at this as well. I

clearly remember calling my mother (whom is already disjointed from the family due to her "peculiarities", "eccentricities" and "abusive/irrational ways"~likely AS also) and I said "so, Aunt Barb Died"....

Did not even give it a second thought until she burst into tears and I realized my insensitivity!

Since then, I also had a coworker have a miscarriage after years of trying to have a baby and while I could definitely appreciate her pain, heartache/suffering (afterall, I am a mother myself), I avoided it completely. I did not say a single word. *sigh* It was only when I was called into a meeting about how this avoidance made her feel and impacted our working relationship, did I realize how insensitive this must have appeared...*shakes head*

Best wishes...

I've found that the best thing to say to someone who's lost a loved one is to say "I'm so sorry" and let them know that you're there if they need a meal, a shoulder to cry on, etc. Just being there for the person in their grief means much more to them than words ever could.
When my Grandmas died, we had people who brought over food and that meant so much. When you're grieving, it's often hard to plan and prepare meals, and when someone cares enough about you to make something for you to eat...it's like balm on a festering wound.

This is something that bothers me a great deal as often, when someone tells me something bad has happened to someone etc, I find I cannot feel anything really... I cannot feel sorrow for them or sympathy etc and have to force out something suitable sorry sounding.

And if I do feel any sort of sadness or desire to help, I more often than not find myself having to hide or keep away or simply cannot find anything to say.

I have a friend who's a clinical psychiatrist, and he once told me that in most counseling situations, you only need to say two things. "That must have been very hard for you," and "How did that make you feel?" That was an oversimplification, but the point is that most of us feel like we need to say something important, meaningful, to help them in their grief. That's not what people need. They just need to know that you're listening, that you care, and that you'll make time for them. Those sentences say that. "How did that make you feel?" is a way of saying that you understand they're feeling intense emotions, and that it's OK for them to keep talking about that, "that must have been very hard for you," is a way of showing empathy, by saying that you understand something is difficult and painful you're saying you understand. Lather, rinse, repeat. You can probably think of some variations on those sentences yourself.
All these people want is to know that you're there, you're still listening, and that you care. You're not there for answers or help, you're just there as someone for them to talk to.
The awkwardness about others crying, I'm afraid, there's no answer for. You either try to exit from the situation, or you take a deep breath and try to ignore how bad it makes you feel.

Thank you for the replies.

Reika, you make a good point. When I have gone through horrible things, I always preferred people to just SAY they don't get it instead of pretending or telling me about some divine purpose for my lost loved one or the path of suffering my physical illness is taking me through (two past experiences). Your response helped me a lot. I may be different as an individual from a lot of people, but sometimes there are things we all need (and don't). Thank you.

Yes, this thread has helped me a lot too. Thank you. What usually happens when somebody tells me about something awful that's happened in their lives is that I either stand there making little noises that I hope suggest concern and empathy, or I go into overdrive and start pulling what are supposed to be concerned faces - the overall effect must look really bizarre.