I am a liar…

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… because I lie about who I am to everyone around me. I lie when I say “I’m fine.” I lie about being happy. I lie about how much I smoke and drink to dull the pain. I lie about what I like and dislike. I lie about how I feel.

I lie because I think/feel I have no choice.

And it seems I’m very good at it sometimes, and absolutely terrible at others, or perhaps it’s just that some lies are the ones that people want to hear, that let them walk away comforted that they’ve asked “the question” and didn’t want to hear anything out of the ordinary… while others begged an honest answer that I couldn’t give, and they sensed the dishonestly instantly.

I lie because sometimes the truth is too hard to express, and it’s easier to dismiss my feelings with “it doesn’t matter” than to say “I care”.

I lie to avoid embarrassment for things that *might* be embarrassing, but when I’ve done that it seems everyone knows that I lied and I thus feel humiliated by both the object of embarrassment and the lie itself… “No, I’m not into that…” but they somehow know that I am. Perhaps I want them to know, and the lie is an attempt at “polite contrivance” that might make it possible to acknowledge the truth without placing me in a position where I might be judged.

And then I think that I don’t lie…

Perhaps, instead, I have tried to “construct” a truth that is comprehensible to those around me, that can seem sensible and rational to people whom I lack the affinity to communicate with otherwise. The false “truth” represents my feelings in a way that I think is coherent to those people, but it is warped because I have tried to reformat it in a way that I believe might make more sense to them. Is this any different from someone who “interprets” dialogue in a foreign language into English? Is it a lie if you’re trying to express the “actual” intent of the sentiment rather than the literal statement, regardless of the words you choose? Is it wrong to know/translate “I mombo dogface in the banana patch” into “I need to use the bathroom, please” if that is the correct interpretation? (A Steve Martin reference… go look it up somewhere else.)

But I still feel I am a liar.

Though, at the same time, I am telling the truth in code --- hoping that those I speak to will hear the actual intent that I have hidden within the lie. “I’m doing OK” means “I need your help”… And I think that, perhaps, the code I am trying to use is the code that “normal” folk use amongst themselves unthinkingly. In effect, for all my effort, I’m really just trying to punch random information into an Enigma machine and hoping that my message will win the war…

Perhaps this is the inevitable consequence of living with a fundamental mental disconnect for my entire life. While I don’t pretend that I have even the vaguest understanding of other people on a moment-by-moment basis, I’ve got a pretty enormous repertoire of canned responses to social situations. So much so, it seems, that the suggestion that I have an honest-to-higher-power problem has been met with disbelief and a firm “you’re not sick, but, and I’m not being negative here, we all know that you’re prone to being, how shall I put this gently, a fibber”.

A fibber… A liar... Because I’ve been caught out. Because I have learned to lie in an effort to appear to be normal. I’ve lied so that others would accept me. And now, after all this time, it seems I was just good enough at it that my friends choose to prefer the possibility that perhaps I am lying once again when I say that there is an underlying reason for the way that I am.

It is, from their perspective, an “easy out” – It’s terribly appealing to be able to ascribe all your problems to a singular cause and say “it’s not my fault – it’s the syndrome”. But if you are critical, and you have examined your life and found that the symptoms fit, and you are rational, and have good explanation for the progression that has allowed you to effectively hide those symptoms from others, there isn’t a whole lot of doubt left. And, more tellingly, if the acceptance of the diagnosis is to say “well, this doesn’t change anything, it just puts a name to the difficulties I’ve been trying to overcome my entire life,” then how is it that anyone would construe it as “yet another lie”?

I’m grappling with this because it’s how my friends have reacted to my admission that I “believe” I have Asperger’s, and how I “believe” it has affected my life.

One told me that I shouldn’t be hanging around a website that might “make me sicker”, not withstanding that since Asperger’s is a neurological condition that you cannot get “worse” or “better”, you simply are what you are.

The other responded (in all fairness with sincere honesty and concern) by suggesting that therapy was the best way to deal with my demons. Not that I’m dismissing therapy – I know I need a good dose of it about now - but the implication was that I might somehow be “cured” by therapy upset me, because I fully understand that no amount of therapy is going to help me become magically normal in the eyes of others.

Therapy *can* help me be less frustrated with who I am, and perhaps help evolve further coping strategies with daily life, but it’s never going to “fix” me. The most upsetting part of that particular dialogue was that my friend had contacted another friend with experience in the psychological field who “authoritatively” informed him that people with Asperger’s are like “Rain Man”, and that since I wasn’t obviously an autistic-savant that I must not have the condition...

Which made me a liar.

And since I am rational and, I suppose, beholden to the scientific method, I have to ask myself – are they right? Is there some possibility that I am lying to myself? That I am trying to ascribe a cause to my life that is inappropriate or incorrect? Do I “want” to believe that I have this syndrome when, perhaps, I’m simply socially incompetent, physically clumsy, emotionally inept because I just didn’t try hard enough to overcome the shortcomings of my dysfunctional upbringing?

But then I talked to mom…

Who was, for the first time in my recollection, honest when she said “oh, we knew you were different,” because I never smiled, and didn’t like to be touched, and peeled oranges when I was six months old because I hated the skins… I did a lot of things that, now, would be called tell-tail signs of autistic behavior. And my younger brother didn’t, and was the smiling, joyful bag of protoplasm that children are supposed to be.

Though they didn’t know what was wrong, my parents knew something was askew, and while I have cursed my father for the things he did and said to me when I was young, I can see now that much of what he expressed was a misguided effort to help his child to fit in and not suffer the same sort of social confusion that he experienced (which I have sadly only been privy to after his death).

So I think that, even with the expression of disbelief from the people I have trusted for so many years, that I am correct in my presumption about my mental wiring. But if for no other reason than to prove to those around me that I am not a liar I will pursue a proper diagnosis (regardless of how much that process/outcome terrifies me), because I want the people I know to accept me for who I truly am, and I want there to be no doubt that I am doing something that may shock and surprise them by its rarity…

I am telling the truth.

Nick

Your profile says you are already diagnosed; from what you say above that at least appears to be incorrect.

As far as feeling like a liar because you try to adapt and 'fit it' I wouldn't call that lying, I would call it survival.

Trouble is that particular survival strategy comes with a price that you are coming up against now.

The only way to get clarity for yourself and your friends is to go for a professional diagnosis and see what happens.

I am 49 years old.

When I was about 26 years old, I went for counseling because I was tired of my life. Counseling lasted for 6 years.

Everything you say now was true for me, then. In fact, after I finished counseling, but not because I finishd counseling (it was an Easter party that I held at my home for 40 family memvers), one of my sisters said to me, "You've become quite a character!" I had quit lying about my life, and I had quit drinking to cover up the pain.

I was going to respond to everything you said, but instead, I feel like crying.

You're a liar, maybe. I don't know. It sounds more like you have been trying to accommadate your brain.

Don't lie anymore. If they can't handle the truth, don't tell it to them. They don't deserve it.

I tell the truth everywhere I go. I can't help it. An attorney friend of mine jokes with me and says it is as if I was given a truth syrum. He said it pains him to hear me speak because I say what I think.

Be you.

Asparval, there may be a bug in the Profile software. I too have not been formally diagnosed, and I stated this at the outset. Yet every time I looked at my profile, no matter how many times I corrected it, it changed back to "Have Aspergers - Diagnosed", and in the end I decided it wasn't worth getting myself tied up in knots about.

And that's not even getting into a discussion about how much weight one should attach to the DX, or about the manner in which it was obtained.

IronicChef, once again I am grateful that you have put into words some of the same questions that have troubled me for much of my life.

Me too, moved and grateful to see in words many of my thoughts , doubts, insecurities, confusions, and painful experiences over the years to do with AS. Thank you very much for having braved the criticism and suspicion to share this.
xxx o

Let me just say that you DO have a choice on whether to tell the truth or not.
Don't lie, just to fit in...it means that the people who you are around do not really accept you for who you are, but just want you to be like them!
If they can't handle the truth, then they aren't nice people and are not worth your time.

I've done that in the past, but I learned that the truth is the most important thing in the world.

Tim

What if you weren't lying. What if this is your unconscious way of changing your belief system? What if this was faking it till you make it? The only part in this that I can see that could be detrimental to your well-being is the way you're beating yourself up.

*If you believe you broke it, believe you can fix it.* *Think good and it will be good*
Famous sayings.

This study (and many others) shows that people lie very often.

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto ... 00008.html

So regarding this you are not very different. But most people don't blame themselves for the many small (and big) lies. They just continue babbling what they babble about, doing what they do, without ever standing still and honestly reflecting on their actions and words. Some, I think, even lie as often to themselves as they lie to others.
Not many people have the ethical awareness you have. Not many feel the levels of guilt you feel. So be proud about this. From my point of view, you are a very good person.

Last edited by Transcendence on 12 Nov 2007, 9:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

I too often feel that I'm lying when I tell people I'm all right, or when I try to appear happier than I really feel. Even if I feel happy, people accuse me of being too serious or sad, because I'm not good at expressing emotions, so even then I have to force myself to make more expressions, etc. It does feel like a lie. You put words to a lot of my feelings. And I rarely do it for myself; it is almost always to make a good impression on other people.

But that is why it is important to recognize any AS tendencies you have. The point is that we do not behave like most people, or interpret the world like most people, so I suppose the choice we are faced with is to fake it or not to fake it...

Sometimes I feel it is important to fake it, because sometimes it goes well for me. However, I quickly get tired of faking it, and feel literally drained of all energy and emotions. Sometimes I need to be alone, or to stop smiling all the time, or whatever. Then I decide I should just be myself, but people don't accept me then, and I feel alone and down on myself. It's a cycle...

Good luck in pursuing your diagnosis. You expressed a problem I think many people with AS have. But it's nice to know that we are not alone...

You have to remember that there is a difference between lying to deceive and lying to spare someone's feelings. You're really doing what's in the area of "little white lies". It's like remembering that not everyone who asks you how you are today really cares. The prudent thing to do is to just say fine and move on. Not everyone has time to hear how we really are. Remember that jsut because you've been thinking that stuff in your head all day, does not mean that everyone else has to. So, it's not necessary to blurt it all out when someone speaks to you. It's VERY MUCH a part of learning how to play the omnipresent social game. It's just part of it. You learn it and learn when it's appropriate to give more than the social script answer. I think you're getting yourself all tied up in knots over how unnatural the learning process feels for acclimation. Of course it feels horrible and feels like you're lying. That's just the way our brains work.

And to whoever noticed....I have the same problem with the diagnosis thing on my profile. I think something's wrong with the default variables or whatever they plug into that space. Doesn't work right. Everyone's defaults back to that for some reason. Weird. Alex should fix that. It's a bug.

I am there right now. I hate me. I am not me. I am not even sure who "me" is. I try so hard to just be left alone. I act like an idiot at school People think I'm dumb. They are blind.