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Kitsy
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27 Nov 2007, 3:24 pm

Especially when you tell them you aren't interested in them romantically.

Scenerio. A guy approaches and keeps giving you compliments, talks about sex and you tell him to back off and you aren't interested. Even bluntly telling him doesn't make him walk away, he continues on with his chat. You tell him again you aren't interested, he asks you for your phone number. You tell him no, he asks again.

Then you get a lecture from this supposed social cue expert about what YOU should change about yourself like quit being so honest? Yeah whatever, how about you learn what no means.

You are sitting alone. Someone decides they are going to sit and talk to you. You aren't in the mood to talk about football teams. You tell them you aren't interested in football. Rammble rammmble FOOTBALL, rammbble rammmble favorite football team. Sports is goooddddd. You sit there quietly looking in the opposite direction to zone off into your own world and the person is still talking about football.

One person tells a joke that makes you laugh but the person sitting next to you that is socially acceptable has a puzzled look on their face and doesn't find it funny.

Another person tells a joke that doesn't make you laugh but the person sitting next to you is laughing.

So while some of us may not pick up on hints, I've found that some people have difficulty with picking up on blunt cues.

What makes us so different?


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Spaceplayer
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27 Nov 2007, 3:30 pm

I figure it's a sense of entitlement by whoever, NT or Aspie. I've been sitting quietly reading when people continually interrupt, or I've told someone I'm not interested in them, only to be constantly badgered. I guess they feel entitled to their intrusions.



Kitsy
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27 Nov 2007, 3:53 pm

I want to have an experiment. Instead of being calm about such unwanted intrustions, I'm going to be rude. Just to see what happens.


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hartzofspace
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27 Nov 2007, 3:53 pm

Spaceplayer wrote:
I figure it's a sense of entitlement by whoever, NT or Aspie. I've been sitting quietly reading when people continually interrupt, or I've told someone I'm not interested in them, only to be constantly badgered. I guess they feel entitled to their intrusions.


I think that is a good explanation. This sense of entitlement. I have had this happen, many times, and I'm considering purchasing a T-shirt that says, "DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE, NT?" I especially hate it when I'm shopping, and some person starts sighing loudly and muttering, whilst tossing hopeful glances in my direction, the objective being to start a conversation. I feel like saying, "Look, I know you think you are the center of the universe, but you are not the center of MY universe. There's a big difference!


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Adrie
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27 Nov 2007, 4:12 pm

Kitsy wrote:
I want to have an experiment. Instead of being calm about such unwanted intrustions, I'm going to be rude. Just to see what happens.

Good luck, and be careful. LOL.

I don't know that it's really about people feeling entitled to their intrusions; I just think people are oblivious. Sometimes it's about forcing themselves on you, but usually it's not about you at all. Usually when people just talk talk talk to you about some subject you have no interest in, you're just an outlet and you could probably swap your body with somebody else's and the talker wouldn't notice because they don't care who they're talking to, they're not intruding and it's not personal, it's just talk for the sake of talking...

Obviously it's annoying and it IS an intrusion, but I don't know if people mean it to be.



RudolfsDad
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27 Nov 2007, 4:44 pm

I don't think it's always correct to say that NTs are good at reading social cues. Some NTs are quite good at it -- those would be the ones that you may not have noticed because they didn't bother you when you wanted to be left alone. :) Some NTs are terrible at reading social cues.

I think there is a huge range of "social cue reading" ability in NTs. Some can figure out -- with amazing accuracy -- what a perfect stranger is thinking just from a glance at the face. Others have almost no ability to read social cues. You'll find the full range.



27 Nov 2007, 5:09 pm

Well with NTs, they can choose to ignore your cues. Perhaps that is what they were doing with you and didn't care about you.
Are you sure they were NTs, it's possible they were on the spectrum too and you just didn't even know about it.
It's even possible NTs can lack that NT trait. After all an NT won't have every single NT trait just like an aspie won't have every single aspie trait.
Not picking up on cues is also part of NVLD so it's possible some of them could have had that. I don't know any other conditions that also share that trait but I know NVLD does.


Look at it this way, you are no different. If NTs can have aspie traits too, why can't you so you are no different.



Kitsy
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27 Nov 2007, 9:47 pm

Spokane, Sorry but if you have one trait that is NT or AS it doesn't make you NT or AS. I didn't just look at the person, it was pretty obvious after conversing. Just about as obvious as others knowing who is a loner or independant thinker.

I find that there is just too much emphasis on socially correct norms and people tend to pick at those that don't require alot of friends or go out alone. It's considered weird. So why is it completely okay for someone to categorize someone as weird immediatly by looking at their posture or observing that they are alone?

What truely affects me the most with my so called disorder are bright lights, certain sounds, panicky and sometimes feeling lost and when others note that I'm a little off. I can tell when someone is not a little off and others that are considered normal by societies standards through conversation.

I also use another sense to gather hidden information. Alot of times in the past I denied it. It was to see how accurate it was. It just didn't seem logical at the time and actually it still doesn't make alot of sense.

These things don't come to me through facial expressions, it comes from somewhere else and it's hard to figure out how.

I feel that sometimes aspergers is what is considered a disorder now but before psychiatry existed was labelled as brilliant when it was okay to be alone, when it was okay to enjoy the dim lights of candles, when it was also a good trait to be honest. Society has morphed into a flashy bright lighted up stage show with manipulative actors who think honesty is a flaw and privacy is not to be respected. Being an individual means you are weird and being out alone means you are weird too.

I have noticed though that people who usually have and feel a need to have a group of friends surrounding them to feel big and bad, when they are alone suddenly they look insecure and akward. :roll:


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InSpades
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27 Nov 2007, 10:23 pm

Kitsy wrote:
Especially when you tell them you aren't interested in them romantically.

Scenerio. A guy approaches and keeps giving you compliments, talks about sex and you tell him to back off and you aren't interested. Even bluntly telling him doesn't make him walk away, he continues on with his chat. You tell him again you aren't interested, he asks you for your phone number. You tell him no, he asks again.

Then you get a lecture from this supposed social cue expert about what YOU should change about yourself like quit being so honest? Yeah whatever, how about you learn what no means.

You are sitting alone. Someone decides they are going to sit and talk to you. You aren't in the mood to talk about football teams. You tell them you aren't interested in football. Rammble rammmble FOOTBALL, rammbble rammmble favorite football team. Sports is goooddddd. You sit there quietly looking in the opposite direction to zone off into your own world and the person is still talking about football.

One person tells a joke that makes you laugh but the person sitting next to you that is socially acceptable has a puzzled look on their face and doesn't find it funny.

Another person tells a joke that doesn't make you laugh but the person sitting next to you is laughing.

So while some of us may not pick up on hints, I've found that some people have difficulty with picking up on blunt cues.

What makes us so different?


I don't know if these are real world scenarios for you.

Regarding the scenario concerning talking about football. As someone mentioned above, the person may choose to ignore the other person's cues.

As for the humor scenario. People with AS have a different sense of humor. What we find funny a lot of times is “dorky”. Humor is more objective than subjective than we realize. Something either is funny or it isn't. Unfortunately, we often times find something funny that really isn't by the NT world we live in.

With romance, sometimes persistence even when being turned down isn't considered completely improper



Last edited by InSpades on 27 Nov 2007, 10:46 pm, edited 5 times in total.

hartzofspace
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27 Nov 2007, 10:40 pm

Kitsy wrote:
I also use another sense to gather hidden information. Alot of times in the past I denied it. It was to see how accurate it was. It just didn't seem logical at the time and actually it still doesn't make a lot of sense.
These things don't come to me through facial expressions, it comes from somewhere else and it's hard to figure out how.awkward.:roll:


I have felt the same. I've had occasions where I met someone for the first time, had a bad or uneasy feeling about them, and then disregarded it because I couldn't back it up with anything concrete. Later, I would find out that it was well founded. But even looking back, I couldn't say for sure what had warned me. A series of pictures flitting across my mind's eye is the best way to describe it. Now I learn to examine those pictures.


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twoshots
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28 Nov 2007, 12:34 am

I think I actually read somewhere that in at least one study people who score well on Theory of Mind tests give better directions, but actually follow directions worse because they assume they know what the other person is thinking when they really have no idea. "Delusions of Clairvoyance" indeed.


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Kitsy
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28 Nov 2007, 12:45 am

twoshots wrote:
I think I actually read somewhere that in at least one study people who score well on Theory of Mind tests give better directions, but actually follow directions worse because they assume they know what the other person is thinking when they really have no idea. "Delusions of Clairvoyance" indeed.


Yes, I've also met people who aren't clairvoyant so therefore it means others aren't as well so they take swipes at those who are or make snarky remarks. Clairvoyance isn't necessarily about knowing word for word what someone is thinking or what paid psychics do but picking up on things unspoken by the other person like intent, what the person may be feeling and seeing or feeling something is going to happen regarding that person and it actually happens.

It's one of those things that if it's in you, you deal with it. You can let others in on it and they can do their little tests but I am not someone who spews out clairvoyance on command. I have also learned when to say something and when to keep your mouth shut. If on many occasions you were spot on and others did not listen to you, they may place blame on you or in some cases twist it up to make it seem like you made it happen when all you were trying to do is give a warning.

For me, I don't always sense what someone is thinking in a way to where I know the words but I can and do pick up on general "vibes" if you call it. I pick up on ill intent. I'm sure others don't like that as it makes getting what they want out of you even though you don't want it very difficult so naturally, they would deny it if you told them. It's the way of the manipulator.


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28 Nov 2007, 7:48 am

RudolfsDad wrote:
I don't think it's always correct to say that NTs are good at reading social cues. Some NTs are quite good at it -- those would be the ones that you may not have noticed because they didn't bother you when you wanted to be left alone. :) Some NTs are terrible at reading social cues.


Sometimes some people are desperate for help because they really believe they can't walk with their own two feet, especially if, due to an overly active, vivid (redundant?) and maybe slightly hypochondriacal imagination, they exaggerate real life difficulties. They look for people who they think might be able to help, but understand if the person (or persons, I don't know) are unable to.

Some people really have to learn how to walk with their own two feet...

Thanks for listening. :)


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